My name is xxx, I'm 18 years old, a girl from xx City, xx Province, China.an 18-year-old 後缺了賓語，而且後面的從句有點羅嗦，做成同位語就好
第二句的 I am totally fall in love with it 改為 I have totally fallen in love with it
getting together to greeting each other改為 getting together to greet each other
I expect you to come to China for a visit改為I expect that you can come to China for a visit
大概就是這些，都是語法問題。LS說沒什麽錯誤明顯不負責。