George comes from school on the first of September.
"George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother.
"I didn't like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....."
新老師
9月1日， 喬治放學回到家裏。
"喬治，妳喜歡妳們的新老師嗎？" 媽媽問。
"媽媽，我不喜歡，因為她說3加3得6, 可後來又說2加4也得6。"
Excuse for Speeding
Excuse for Speeding
Harry and Lloyd were speeding down the road. A police car pulled them over.
〃Why on earth were you driving so fast？〃 the policeman yelled.
〃Our brakes are no good-so we wanted to get there before we had an accident！〃
超速的理由
哈裏與勞埃德超速行駛，壹輛警車攔住了他們。
“妳們為什麽開那麽快？”警官喊道。
“我們的剎車不好，因此我們想在發生事故前趕緊到達目的地。”
A: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea?
B: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.
A:猴子會和跳蚤有什麽不同呢？
B:猴子身上可以長跳蚤，而跳蚤身上卻不能有猴子。
A:Which is the strongest creature in the world?
B: The snail. It carries its house on its back.
A:世界上最強壯的動物是什麽?
B:蝸牛.因為它可以把自己的房子放在背上.
A: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep?
B: Keep him awake.
A:怎樣才能不讓夢遊者夢遊呢？
B:不讓他睡覺.
He is really somebody
-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.
-- He is really somebody. What does he do?
-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.
他真是壹個大人物
-- 我叔叔下面有1000個人。
-- 他真是壹個大人物。幹什麽的？
-- 墓地守墓人。
Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.
At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."
它們是從美國直接帶來的
壹位中國老婦人在美國看望女兒回來不久，到壹家市銀行存女兒送給她的美元。在銀行櫃臺，銀行職員認真檢查了每壹張鈔票，看是否有假。
這種做法讓老婦人很不耐煩，最後實在忍耐不住說：“相信我，先生，也請妳相信這些鈔票。這都是真正的美元，它們是從美國直接帶來的。”
my little dog can't read
Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!
Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!
Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.
我的狗不識字
布朗夫人：哦，
親愛的，我把珍愛的小狗給丟了！
史密斯夫人：可是妳該在報紙上登廣告啊！
布朗夫人：沒有用的，我的小狗不認識字。”
Bring me the winner
-- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.
-- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.
-- Well, bring me the winner then.
給我那個打贏的吧
-- 服務員，
這個龍蝦只有壹只爪。
-- 對不起，先生，這只肯定打過架了。
-- 哦， 那給我那個打贏的吧。
One day a visitor from the city came to a small rural area to drive around the country roads, see how the farms looked, and perhaps to see how farmers earned their living. The city man saw a farmer in his yard, holding a pig up in his hands, and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an apple tree. The city man said to the farmer," I see that your pig likes apples, but isn"t that quite a waste of time?" The farmer replied," What"s time to a pig?"
壹天，有壹個城市裏的遊客來到壹個小鄉村，在鄉間路上開著車，想看看農莊是什麽樣子，也想看看農夫怎樣種田過日子。這位城裏人看見壹位農夫在宅後的草地上，手中抱著壹頭豬，並把它舉得高高的，好讓它能夠吃到樹上的蘋果。城裏人對農夫說，"我看妳的豬挺喜歡吃蘋果的，但是，這不是很浪費時間嗎?"那位農夫回答說，"時間對豬有什麽意義?"
Two birls
Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?
Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.
Teacher: Please tell us.
Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.
兩只鳥
老師： 這兒有兩只鳥，壹只是麻雀。誰能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀嗎？
學生：我指不出，但我知道答案。
老師：請說說看。
學生：燕子旁邊的就是麻雀，麻雀旁邊的就是燕子。
The more you learn, the more you know, The more you know, the more you forget. The more you forget, the less you know. So why bother to learn.
學的越多,知道的越多, 知道的越多,忘記的越多, 忘記的越多,知道的越少,為什麽學來著?!
1,Two birls
Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?
Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.
Teacher: Please tell us.
Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.
兩只鳥
老師： 這兒有兩只鳥，壹只是麻雀。誰能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀嗎？
學生：我指不出，但我知道答案。
老師：請說說看。
學生：燕子旁邊的就是麻雀，麻雀旁邊的就是燕子。
2. The Fish Net
"Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?"
"A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl.
魚網
"妳能告訴我魚網是什麽做的嗎，安？" 老師發問道。
"把許多小孔用繩子栓在壹起就成了魚網了。" 小女孩回答道。
3. The New Teacher
George comes from school on the first of September.
"George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother.
"I didn\'t like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....."
新老師
9月1日， 喬治放學回到家裏。
"喬治，妳喜歡妳們的新老師嗎？" 媽媽問。
"媽媽，我不喜歡，因為她說3加3得6, 可後來又說2加4也得6。"
4. A physics Examination
Once in a physics examination, Nick finished the first question very soon, while his classmates were thinking it hard.
The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then hear the thunderrolls?
Nick\'s answer: Because our eyes are before ears.
壹次物理考試
在壹次物理考試時，當同學們都還在苦思冥想時，尼克很快就答好了第壹個問題。
這個問題是：為什麽在打雷時，我們總是先看到閃電後聽到雷聲？
尼克的回答是：因為眼睛在前，耳朵在後。
還有……
The poor husband
"You can't imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with my wife," the man complained to his friend. "She asks me a question, then answers it herself, and after that she explained to me for half an hour why my answer is wrong.
可憐的丈夫
“妳根本無法想象和我妻子打交道是多麽的難，”壹個男人對他的朋友訴苦說，“她問我壹個問題，然後自己回答了，過後又花半個小時跟我解釋為什麽我的答案是錯的。”
Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea?
A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.
猴子會和跳蚤有什麽不同呢？妳可能會直接的想到它們倆是壹大壹小。但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以長跳蚤，而跳蚤身上卻不能有猴子。這個答案很有意思吧？
Q: How can you most irritate a farmer?
A: By treading on his corn?
如果妳踩了農夫的玉米或是谷物，他肯定會生氣的；而如果妳踩了農夫腳底的雞眼，他會更生氣。Corn既可以表示“玉米/谷物”，也有“雞眼”的意思。
Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world?
A: The snail. It carries its house on its back.
因為snail（蝸牛）的後背上總是背著壹所房子，所以說蝸牛是世界上最強壯的生物是不足為奇的。妳說呢？
Q: What do people do in a clock factory?
A: They make faces all day.
壹看到make faces這個短語，妳可千萬別以為是在鐘表廠工作的人整天都做鬼臉呀！因為除了這個意思以外，它還可以從字面上解釋為制造鐘面。
Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep?
A: Keep him awake.
怎樣才能不讓夢遊者（sleepwalker）夢遊（walk in his sleep）呢？最簡單的方法就是不讓他睡覺。雖然這不是治療方法，但如果讓夢遊者醒著呢，他的確就不會去夢遊了。
這個也挺好
A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"
壹男子進入教堂和上帝對話.他問:"主啊, 壹百萬美元對妳意味著多少?"上帝回答:"壹便士."男子又問:"那壹百萬年呢?"上帝說:"壹秒鐘."最後男子請求道:"上帝,我能得到壹便士嗎?"上帝回答:"過壹秒鐘
TOM'S EXCUSE
Teacher: Tom, why are you late for school every day?
Tom: Every time I come to the corner, a sign says, "School-Go
Slow".
湯姆的借口
老師：湯姆，您為什麽每天上學遲到？
湯姆：我每次路過拐角，壹個路標上面寫著："學校----慢行。"
One girl went to the preacher and confessed her sin.
Girl: Father, I have sinned.
Preacher: What did you do, little girl?
Girl: Yesterday, I called a man a son of a Bitch.
Preacher: Why? What did he do to you?
Girl: He touched my breast.
Preacher: You mean like this? (The guy did it.)
Girl: (A little shy from the touch) Yes.
Preacher: Thats no reason to call him that.
Girl: But he also took off my cloth.
Preacher: You mean like this? (He did it again.)
Girl: Yes, thats what he did.
Preacher: Thats still no reason to call him that.
Girl: And he put his you-know-what into my you-know-what...
Preacher: (evil laugh...) You mean like this? (And you-know-what)
Girl: (After a few minutes...) Ugh... Yeah, thats what he did...
Preacher: My dear girl, thats still no reason to call him a...
Girl: But he had AIDS!!
Preacher: THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!