① 英語幽默故事
Peter
dozed
off
while
his
teacher
was
talking.
老師正在講課，彼得打起瞌睡來了。
Teacher:
Peter！Tell
us,
what's
the
biggest
in
the
world?
老師：彼得！妳說說，世界上什麽最大？
Peter:
Well,
well....eyelids....
彼得:
嗯……嗯……眼皮……
Teacher:
What？Eyelids？
老師：什麽？眼皮？
Peter:
Yes,
sir.
Because
as
soon
as
I
shut
my
eyes,
the
eyelids
cover
everything
of
the
world.
彼得：是的，老師。因為我眼睛壹閉，眼皮就把世界上所有的東西都遮住了
Late
one
night
at
the
insane
asylum
(瘋人院）one
inmate
shouted,
"I
am
Napoleon!"
Another
one
said,
"How
do
you
know?"
The
first
inmate
said,
"God
told
me!"
Just
then,
a
voice
from
another
room
shouted,
"I
did
not!"
瘋人院
壹天晚上，在瘋人院裏，壹個病人說："我是拿破侖！"另壹個說："妳怎麽知道？"第壹個人說："上帝對我說的！"壹會兒，壹個聲音從另壹個房間傳來："我沒說！"
② 英文幽默故事
Marriage Proposal to Bernard Shaw
Once a beautiful and dissolute British actress wrote to propose marriage to Bernard Shaw． She said she did not mindBernard Shaw's old age and ugliness because he was a genius． And if they could bine the beauty of the woman with the talents of the great man，that would be greatly harmonious． “With your wisdom and my appearance，our children must be perfect．”
Bernard Shaw answered，in a letter，that her imagination wassplendid，“But，what if the children take my appearance and yourwisdom？”
向肖伯納求婚
英國有位美貌風流的女演員，曾寫信向肖伯納求婚。她說，因為他是個天才，她不嫌肖伯納年邁醜陋。假如能使女郎的美貌和超人的天才結合，那該是多麽協調啊。“咱們的後代有妳的智慧和我的美貌，那壹定是十全十美了。”
肖伯納給她回了壹封信說，她的想象很是美妙，“可是，假如生下的孩子外貌象我，而智慧又象妳，那又該怎麽辦呢？”
③ 英語簡短幽默故事
Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.
Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?
Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.
湯姆：約翰尼，妳小弟弟好嗎？
約翰尼：他害病臥床了。他受了傷。
湯姆：真糟糕，怎麽回事兒？
約翰尼：我們做遊戲，看誰能把身子探出窗外最遠，他贏了。
Q: What's the difference beeen a monkey and a flea?
A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.
猴子會和跳蚤有什麽不同呢？妳可能會直接的想到它們倆是壹大壹小。但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以長跳蚤，而跳蚤身上卻不能有猴子。這個答案很有意思吧？
Dentist: I'm sorry, madam, but I'll have to charge you enty-five dollars for pulling your son's tooth.
Mother: Twenty-five dollars! But I thought you only charged five dollars for an extraction.
Dentist: I usually do. But your son yelled so loud, he scared four other patients out of the office.
昂貴的代價
牙科醫生：對不起，夫人，為給您的兒子拔牙，我得收二十五美元。
母親：二十五美元！可是我知道您拔壹顆牙只要五美元呀？
牙科醫生：是的。但是您兒子這麽大聲地叫喚，他都嚇跑四位病人了。
④ 英語幽默小故事50字左右（帶翻譯）
Q: Why won’t the elephant use the puter?
為什麽大象不玩電腦？
A: He’s afraid of the mouse!
他害怕老鼠！
鼠標和老鼠的英文皆為mouse。
mouse [ma?s]n. 鼠標；老鼠；膽小羞怯的人
2.A much worried patiant walked into the doctor's office and asked for help。
"Doctor, I don't know what to do. I accidentally drank a bottle of gasoline yesterday."
"Oh, don't worry! All you have to remember is not to *** oke in the next few days." The doctor said.
壹位很焦急的病人走到醫生辦公室尋求幫助。
“醫生，我不知道該怎麽辦。昨天我不小心喝下了壹瓶汽油。”
“哦，不用擔心。妳壹定要牢記未來幾天不要吸煙就行了。”醫生說。
3.A man was hit by a cab in the street.
He was brought to the hospital.
His wife who was standing up by his bed, said to the doctor: "I think that he is very ill."
"I am afraid that he is dead."said the doctor,
Hearing this, the man moved his head and said: "I'm not dead. I'm still alive."
"Be quiet, "said the wife. "the doctor knows better than you!"
壹個男人在街上被出租車撞倒送進了醫院.
他的妻子站在他的床前對醫生說:"我想他傷得很厲害."
醫生說:"我怕他已經死了."
聽到醫生的話,這個男人轉動著頭說:"我沒死,我還活著."
妻子說:"安靜,醫生比妳懂得多."
4.A man goes to church and starts talking to God.
He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?"
And God says: "A penny".
Then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?"
And God says: "a second",
Then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?"
And God says "In a second".
壹男子進入教堂和上帝對話.
他問:"主啊, 壹百萬美元對妳意味著多少?"
上帝回答:"壹便士."
男子又問:"那壹百萬年呢?"
上帝說:"壹秒鐘."
最後男子請求道:"上帝,我能得到壹便士嗎?"
上帝回答:"過壹秒鐘."
5.Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny?
Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.
Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?
Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.
湯姆：約翰尼，妳小弟弟好嗎？
約翰尼：他害病臥床了。他受了傷。
湯姆：真糟糕，怎麽回事兒？
約翰尼：我們做遊戲，看誰能把身子探出窗外最遠，他贏了。
6.Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"
"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.
"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.
"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."
他的耳朵在我衣兜裏
伊凡鼻子流著血回到家裏。他媽媽問，“發生了什麽事？”
“壹個男孩咬了我壹口，”伊凡說。
“再見到他妳能認出來嗎？”媽媽問。
“他走到哪裏我都能認出他，”伊凡說。“他的耳朵還在我衣兜裏呢。”
⑤ 英語幽默故事
Delicious！
A Hollywood procer was determined to give his mothera birthday gift that would be better than any his brothers weregiving her． He heard about an amazing bird which could talk inelve languages and sing ten famous operas． He immediately bought the bird and sent it to his mother． It cost him＄50，000．
The day after her birthday，he phoned his mother．“What did you think of the bird， Mother？” he asked eagerly．His mother replied，“Delcious！”
說的是壹個人花了很多錢買了壹只鳥，送給他媽媽，過了壹時間兒子問他鳥怎麽樣，他媽媽說“很美味！”
呵呵~~
字數不夠自己加點啦
⑥ 英語簡短幽默故事
talking
clock
會說話的鐘
while
proudly
showing
off
his
new
apartment
to
friends,
a
college
student
led
the
way
into
the
den.
"what
is
the
big
brass
gong
and
hammer
for?"
one
of
his
friends
asked.
"that
is
the
talking
clock,"
the
man
replied.
"how's
it
work?"
"watch,"
the
man
said
and
proceeded
to
give
the
gong
an
ear
shattering
pound
with
the
hammer.
suddenly,
someone
screamed
from
the
other
side
of
the
wall,
"knock
it
off,
you
idiot!
it's
o
o'clock
in
the
morning!"
壹個學生帶他朋友們參觀他的新公寓，甚是得意。“那個大銅鑼和錘子是幹什麽用的？”他的壹個朋友問他。“那玩意兒厲害了，那是壹個會說話的鐘”，學生回答。“這鐘怎麽工作的”，他的朋友問。“看著，別眨眼了”，那學生走上前壹把操起銅鑼和錘子，拼命地敲了壹下，聲音震耳欲聾。突然，他們聽到隔壁墻那邊有人狂叫，“別敲了，妳這 *** ！現在是淩晨兩點鐘了！”
參考資料：
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⑦ 英語幽默小故事
Once o hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. The operator said calmly:"First, you should make sure that he is already dead." Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:"What should I do next?"
兩個獵人進森林裏打獵，其中壹個獵人不慎跌倒，兩眼翻白，似已停止呼吸。另壹個獵人趕緊拿出手機撥通緊急求助電話。接線員沈著地說：“第壹步，要先確定妳的朋友已經死亡。”於是，接線員在電話裏聽到壹聲槍響，然後聽到那獵人接著問：“第二步怎辦？”
⑧ 英文版的幽默故事（不要太長）
Nail
or
Fly?
An
old
gentleman
whose
eyesight
was
failing
came
to
stay
in
a
hotel
room
with
a
bottle
of
wine
in
each
hand.
On
the
wall
there
was
a
fly
which
he
took
for
a
nail.
So
the
moment
he
hung
them
on,
the
bottles
fell
broken
and
the
wine
spilt
all
over
the
floor.
When
a
waitress
discovered
what
had
happened,
she
showed
deep
sympathy
for
him
and
decided
to
do
him
a
favour.
So
the
next
morning
when
he
was
out
taking
a
walk
in
the
roof
garden,
she
hammered
a
nail
exactly
where
the
fly
had
stayed.
Now
the
old
man
entered
is
room.
The
*** ell
of
the
spilt
wine
reminded
him
of
the
accident.
When
he
looked
up
at
the
wall,
he
found
the
fly
was
there
again!
He
walked
to
it
carefully
adn
slapped
it
with
all
his
strength.
On
hearing
a
loud
cry,
the
kind-hearted
waitress
rushed
in.
To
er
great
surprise,
the
poor
old
man
was
there
sitting
on
the
floor,
his
teeth
clenched
and
his
right
hand
bleeding!
釘子還是蒼蠅?
壹位視力正在衰退的老紳士住進了壹家旅館的客房。他雙手各拿壹瓶酒。在墻上有只蒼蠅，他誤以為是枚釘子。他把兩只瓶子朝上壹掛，瓶子掉下來摔碎了，酒灑了壹地。壹個女服務員發現發生的事情以後，對他深表同情，決定幫他個忙。
於是，第二天早上他到樓頂花園散步時，她把壹枚釘子釘在了蒼蠅停過的地方。
這裏，老人回到了房裏。倒灑的酒味讓他想起了那件事。他擡頭往墻上壹看，蒼蠅又停在了那兒!他輕手輕腳地走近，使盡全力拍了壹掌。聽到壹聲大叫，好心的女服務員沖進房來。讓她大為吃驚的是，可憐的老頭正坐在地板上，牙關緊咬，右手滴血不止。