Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."
好孩子
小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。
“昨天給妳的錢幹什麽了？”
“我給了壹個可憐的老太婆，”他回答說。 “妳真是個好孩子，”媽媽驕傲地說。“再給妳兩分錢。可妳為什麽對那位老太太那麽感興趣呢？”
“她是個賣糖果的。”
Nest and Hair
My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom.
"What kind of bird?" my sister asked.
"I didn't see the bird, ma' am, only the nest," replied the child.
"Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her .
"Well, ma'am, it just resembles your hair. "
Notes:
(1) inform v.告訴
(2) nest n.窩；巢
(3) description n.描述
(4) encourage v.鼓勵
(5) resemble v. 相似；類似
18.鳥窩與頭發
我姐姐是壹位小學老師。壹次壹個學生告訴她說壹只鳥兒在教室外 的樹上壘了個窩。
“是什麽鳥呢？”我姐姐問她。
“我沒看到鳥兒，老師，只看到鳥窩。”那孩子回答說。
“那麽，妳能給我們描述壹下這個鳥巢嗎？”我姐姐鼓勵她道。
“哦，老師，就像妳的頭發壹樣。”
I've Just Bitten My Tongue
"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother.
"Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?"
"Cause I've just bitten my tongue! "
Notes:
(1) poisonous adj.有毒的
(2) Cause I've just bitten my tongue 因為我剛咬了自己的舌頭。 句中 Cause 是 Because 的縮略形式。
我剛咬破自己的舌頭
“我們有毒嗎？”壹個年幼的蛇問它的母親。
“是的，親愛的，”她回答說，“妳問這個幹什麽？”
“因為我剛剛咬破自己的舌頭。”
A Woman Who Fell
It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City's Grand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate, a plump, middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the smooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes. Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining her composure, she winked at me and said, "Do you always have beautiful women failing at your feet?"
摔倒的女人
上下班高峰期，我匆匆奔向紐約豪華中心站去趕壹趟火車。接近門口，壹位肥胖的中年婦女從後面沖過來，沒想到在平滑的大理石地面上失了腳，仰面滑倒了。她的慣性使她接近了我的腳。我正準備扶她，她卻自己爬了起來。她鎮定了壹下，對我擠了壹下眉，說道：“總是有漂亮女人拜倒在妳腳下嗎？”
英語笑話（壹）
Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea?
A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.
猴子會和跳蚤有什麽不同呢？妳可能會直接的想到它們倆是壹大壹小。但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以長跳蚤，而跳蚤身上卻不能有猴子。這個答案很有意思吧？
Q: How can you most irritate a farmer?
A: By treading on his corn?
如果妳踩了農夫的玉米或是谷物，他肯定會生氣的；而如果妳踩了農夫腳底的雞眼，他會更生氣。Corn既可以表示“玉米/谷物”，也有“雞眼”的意思。
Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world?
A: The snail. It carries its house on its back.
因為snail（蝸牛）的後背上總是背著壹所房子，所以說蝸牛是世界上最強壯的生物是不足為奇的。妳說呢？
Q: What do people do in a clock factory?
A: They make faces all day.
壹看到make faces這個短語，妳可千萬別以為是在鐘表廠工作的人整天都做鬼臉呀！因為除了這個意思以外，它還可以從字面上解釋為制造鐘面。
Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep?
A: Keep him awake.
怎樣才能不讓夢遊者（sleepwalker）夢遊（walk in his sleep）呢？最簡單的方法就是不讓他睡覺。雖然這不是治療方法，但如果讓夢遊者醒著呢，他的確就不會去夢遊了。
英語笑話（二）
He is really somebody
-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.
-- He is really somebody. What does he do?
-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.
他真是壹個大人物
-- 我叔叔下面有1000個人。
-- 他真是壹個大人物。幹什麽的？
-- 墓地守墓人。
英語笑話（三）
Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.
At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."
它們是從美國直接帶來的
壹位中國老婦人在美國看望女兒回來不久，到壹家市銀行存女兒送給她的美元。在銀行櫃臺，銀行職員認真檢查了每壹張鈔票，看是否有假。
這種做法讓老婦人很不耐煩，最後實在忍耐不住說：“相信我，先生，也請妳相信這些鈔票。這都是真正的美元，它們是從美國直接帶來的。”
英語笑話（四）my little dog can't read
Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!
Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!
Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.
我的狗不識字
布朗夫人：哦，
親愛的，我把珍愛的小狗給丟了！
史密斯夫人：可是妳該在報紙上登廣告啊！
布朗夫人：沒有用的，我的小狗不認識字。”
英語笑話（五）Bring me the winner
-- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.
-- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.
-- Well, bring me the winner then.
給我那個打贏的吧
-- 服務員，
這個龍蝦只有壹只爪。
-- 對不起，先生，這只肯定打過架了。
-- 哦， 那給我那個打贏的吧。
英語笑話（六）The mean man's party.
The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."
"Why use my elbow and foot?"
"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?"
吝嗇鬼請客
壹個出了名的吝嗇鬼終於決定要請壹次客了。他在向壹個朋友解釋怎麽找到他家時說：“妳上到五樓，找中間那個門，然後用妳的胳膊肘按門鈴。門開了之後，再用妳的腳把門推開。”
“為什麽要用我的肘和腳呢？”
“妳的雙手得拿禮物啊。天哪，妳總不會空著手來吧？”吝嗇鬼回答。
英語笑話（七）Advice for "Kid"
A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is n their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,"Get the kid."
忠告“年輕者”
這裏想對將要退休者提壹點忠告。如果妳只有65歲的話，
千萬別進退休社區。因為那裏人人都七八十歲或者八九十歲了。每當要搬東西，擡東西或者裝東西時，他們就叫喊，“讓小的幹吧。”
英語笑話（八）Which woman?
One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall.
On my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out."The woman who loves you the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield."
My husband looked up and said, "Mom's here?"
哪壹位女人？
壹天晚上我開著丈夫的車去購物，回來後發現車身沾滿灰塵，於是擦洗了壹陣。當我終於走進屋裏時大聲喊：“世界上最愛妳的女人剛擦洗了妳的車燈和擋風玻璃。”
我丈夫擡頭看了看，說：“媽媽來了？”
英語笑話（九）The doctor lives downstairs
"Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me."
He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs."
醫生住在樓下
“醫生”她沖進屋後大聲說道。
“我想讓妳坦率地說我到底得了什麽病。”
他從頭到腳打量打量她，然後大聲說：“太太，我有三件事要對妳說。第壹，您的體重需要減少大約50磅；第二，如果您要用上十分之壹的胭脂和口紅，您的美貌將會改變。第三，我是壹位畫家——醫生住在樓下。”
英語笑話（十）One Engine Left
A 747 was halfway across the Atlantic when the captain got on the loud speaker, "Attention, passengers. We have lost one of our engines, but we can certainly reach London with the three we have left. Unfortunately, we will arrive an hour late as a r esult."
Shortly thereafter, the passengers heard the captain's voice again, "Guess what, folks. We just lost our third engine, but please be assured we can fly with only one. We will now arrive in London three hours late."
At this point, one passenger became furious. "For Pete's sake," he shouted, "If we lose another engine, we'll be up here all night!"
只剩壹個引擎
壹架747客機正在跨越大西洋時，喇叭裏傳來了機長的聲音：“旅客們請註意，我們的四個引擎中有壹個丟失了。但剩下的三個引擎會把我們帶到倫敦的。只是我們要因此晚到壹小時 。” 過了壹會兒，旅客們又聽到機長的聲音：“各位，妳們猜怎麽啦？我們剛又掉了第三個引擎。但請妳們相信好了。只有壹個引擎我們也能飛，但要晚三個小時了。” 正在這時，壹位乘客非常氣憤地說：“看在上帝的份上，如果我們再掉壹個引擎，我們就要整夜都要呆在天上了。”
回答者：lovemydream - 高級經理 七級 7-5 10:08
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評論者： YABNV - 魔法學徒 壹級
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Logic Reasoning 邏輯推理
A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson on logic.
"Here is the situation," she said. "a man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yellin
g for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows that he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"
A girl raised her hand and asked, "to draw out all of his savings?"
邏輯推理
小學四年級的教師正在給學生們上壹堂邏輯課。她舉了這麽壹個例子：“有這樣壹種情況，壹個男人在河中心的船上釣魚，突然失去重心掉進了水裏。於是他開始掙紮並喊救命。他的妻子聽到了他的喊聲，知道他並不會遊泳，所以她就急忙跑向河岸。誰能告訴我這是為什麽？” 壹個女生舉手答道，“是不是去取他的存款？”
[註]bank在英語中除了我們平時很熟悉的“銀行”之外，還有“河岸”的意思。
Have You Ceased Beating Your Wife？妳停止打妳老婆了嗎?
This story is told of a browbeating counsel，who habitually endeavored to terrorize his opponent‘s witnesses．
One witness rather tended to preface his replies with lengthy explanations．
“I want‘yes’or‘no，’”thundered counsel．“There is no need for you to argue the point！”
“But there are some questions which cannot be answered by‘yes’or‘no，’”mildly responded the witness．
“There are not！” snapped the lawyer．
“Oh，” said the witness，“answer this then：“Have you ceased beating your wife？”
這個故事講的是壹個咄咄逼人的辯護律師，他慣於盡量去恐嚇對方的證人。
有壹個證人有點傾向於在回答問題之前做冗長的解釋。
“我要妳回答‘是’或者‘不是’，”辯護律師怒喝道： “妳沒有必要就這個問題進行爭論。”
“可是有些問題無法用‘是’或者‘不是’來回答。”這位證人溫和地回敬他。
“不存在這樣的問題！”律師厲聲打斷他。
“噢，”證人說：“那麽請妳回答這個問題：“妳停止打妳老婆了嗎？”
Two Birds
Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?
Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.
Teacher: Please tell us.
Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.
兩只鳥
老師： 這兒有兩只鳥，壹只是麻雀。誰能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀嗎？
學生：我指不出，但我知道答案。
老師：請說說看。
學生：燕子旁邊的就是麻雀，麻雀旁邊的就是燕子。
"Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?"
"A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl.
魚網
"妳能告訴我魚網是什麽做的嗎，安？" 老師發問道。
"把許多小孔用繩子栓在壹起就成了魚網了。" 小女孩回答道。
昨天夜裏我爸媽表演“混合雙打”
Teacher of Physical Education: Have you ever seen mixed doubles，boys？
體育老師：孩子們，妳們見過男女混合雙打嗎？
Nick: Yes，sir. Quite of ten. I saw it even last night.
尼克：見過，老師，經常見。就在昨天夜裏我還見過呢！
Teacher: Please tell us some thing about it.
老師：那妳給大家講講當時的情形吧。
Nick: Oh，sorry，sir. My father always says, "Domestic shame should not be published.”
尼克：啊，對不起，老師。我爸爸常說:“家醜不可外揚。”(
1．we two who and who？
咱倆誰跟誰阿
2．how are you ? how old are you?
怎麽是妳，怎麽老是妳？
3．you have seed I will give you some color to see see, brothers ！ together up ！
妳有種，我要給妳點顏色瞧瞧，兄弟們，壹起上！
4．as far as you go to die
有多遠，死多遠！！！！
5．hello everybody!if you have something to say,then say!if you have nothing to say,go home!!
有事起奏，無事退朝
6．you me you me
彼此彼此
7．You Give Me Stop!!
妳給我站住！
8．know is know noknow is noknow
知之為知之，不知為不知…
9．WATCH SISTER
表妹
10．dragon born dragon,chicken born chicken,mouse’’son can make hole!!龍生龍，鳳生鳳，老鼠的兒子會打洞！
11.．I give you face you don’t wanna face,you lose you face ,I turn my face
給妳臉妳不要臉，妳丟臉，我翻臉
12．one car comeone car go ,two car pengpeng,people die
(車禍現場描述 )
13．heart flower angry open
心花怒放
14．go past no mistake past
走過路過，不要錯過
15．小明：I am sorry!
老外：I am sorry too!
小明：I am sorry three!
老外：What are you sorry for?
小明：I am sorry five!
16．If you want money,I have no;if you want life,I haveone!
要錢沒有，要命壹條
17．I call Li old big. toyear 25.
我叫李老大，今年25。
18．you have two down son
妳有兩下子。
19.好好學習，天天向上：
good good study,day day up!
20.people mountain people sea!
人山人海。