"Happiness ain't a thing in itself --- it's only a contrast with something that ain't pleasant. That's all it is."
缺乏錢財是所有罪惡的根源。
"The lack of money is the root of all evil."
真正的大不敬是不尊重別人的神。
"True irreverence is disrespect for another man's god."
人類是唯壹的動物，他愛護他的鄰居就如同愛護他自己壹樣，但是如果對方的宗教神學有問題，他會割斷對方的喉嚨。
"He is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself, and cut his throat if his theology isn't straight."
每壹個人生下來都擁有壹項資產，它比其他所有的資產價值都高，這就是他最後的壹口氣。
"Each person is born to one possession which outvalues all his others --- his last breath."
良好的教養在於隱藏我們對自己較佳的評價，以及隱藏我們對他人較差的評價。
"Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person."
“名聲”如同是蒸氣，“聲望”如同是意外，在地球上唯壹可以確定的事情是被遺忘掉。
"Fame is vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion."
“原則”是“偏見”的另壹個名稱。
"Principles is another name for prejudice."
迷信的人總是相信那些大膽的預言。
"Prophecies boldly uttered never fall barren on superstitious ears."
“需要”不懂任何的“法律”。
"Necessity knows no law."
當妳為愛情而釣魚時，要用妳的心當作餌，而不是用妳的腦筋。
"When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain."
如果所有的人都是富有的，那麽所有的人都是貧窮的。
"If all men were rich, all men would be poor."
妳經常坦白承認自己的過失，上司就會失去戒備之心，妳才會有機會去犯更多的錯誤。
"Always acknowledge a fault frankly. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more."
先獲得事實，然後妳才能夠隨心所欲的扭曲誤解它。
"Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you like."
壹個人最危險的敵人是他自己的口舌。
"The deadly enemy of a man, his own tongue...."
壹本懷有惡意的書籍將不會傷害到任何人，除了寫作它的傻瓜。
"A malignant book would hurt nobody but the fool who wrote it."
預言是唯壹的壹項人類技術，它是無法經由練習而改善。
"Prophesying was the only human art that couldn't be improved by practice."
當壹個人閱讀《聖經》時，與其說他驚詫於上帝的智慧，倒不如說他驚詫於上帝的無知。
"When one reads Bibles, one is less surprised at what the Deity knows than at what he doesn't know."
亞當真是壹位老糊塗，他本來壹切事情都很順利，而且他已經成功的贏得社區內最漂亮女孩子的芳心，但是他對自己的征服成果卻感到不滿足，他必須去吃那壹顆可憐的小蘋果。
"What a fool old Adam was. Had everything his own way; had succeeded in gaining the love of the best looking girl in the neighborhood, but yet unsatisfied with his conquest he had to eat a miserable little apple."
印度擁有兩百萬個神，他們崇拜所有的這些神。在宗教上其他的國家都是窮人，印度是唯壹的“百萬富翁”。
"India has 2,000,000 gods, and worships them all. In religion other countries are paupers; India is the only millionaire."
如果妳收養了壹只饑餓可憐的狗，讓它過的舒適，它就不會咬妳，這便是壹個人與壹只狗之間最主要的差別。
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
從來就沒有壹個世紀，也沒有壹個國家曾經短缺這樣的專家，他們能夠知道上帝的心思，而且也願意表示出來。
"There was never a century nor a country that was short of experts who knew the Deity's mind and were willing to reveal it."
有壹個人從天堂來到人間旅遊，他所使用的是有效期為三十天的減價票，他試圖要把他的回程票賣掉。
"Ingersoll's story of the man that went down from heaven on a reduced-rate excursion ticket good for 30 days --- and tried to sell his return ticket."
上帝先創造了白癡，這只是熱身而已，然後他才創造了教育委員會。
In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then He made School Boards.
成功之道無他，唯壹的就是：無所知又信心十足耳。
幽默是壹股拯救的力量。
真理的靴子尚未穿上，謊言就跑遍世界。
雖然在壹切事物中，愛情看上去是最快的，其實卻最遲緩。男男女女沒有壹個人曉得什麽是十全十美的愛，除非壹直到他們結婚了二十五年之後。
Though love seems the fastest of all growths, it is really the slowest. No man or woman knows what perfect love is, until they have been married a quarter of a century.
在四月壹日，回想壹下這壹年來的其他364天自己在做些什麽。
The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.
我會用city而永不用Metropolis來表達城市，用cop而永不用policeman來表達警察，既然三丶四個字母的短詞可以賺七分錢，為什麽要用那些長詞呢？
I never write Metropolis for seven cents because I can get the same price for city. I never write policeman because I can get the same money for cop.
不要把事實告訴不值得的人。
Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it.
真相比小說還要不可思議。
Truth is more of a stranger than fiction.