The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled . His father knew it, but his grandma doted on him. He hardly left her side. And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum. Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother's loving arms.
When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door.
"Was school all right?" she asked, "Did you get along all right? did you cry?"
"Cry?" John asked. "No, I didn't cry, but the teacher did!"
可是老師哭了
六歲的約翰嬌生慣養。他的父親知道這壹點，可他的祖父母仍然寵著他。這孩子幾乎寸步不離他的祖母。他想要什麽不是哭，就是鬧。他第壹天上學才離開祖母的懷抱。
約翰放學了，他奶奶在門口接他並問道：“學校怎麽樣？妳過的好嗎？哭了沒有？”
“哭？”約翰問，“不，我沒哭，可老師哭了。”
2. I Wasn't Asleep
When a group of women got on the car, every seat was already occupied. The conductor noticed a man who seemed to be asleep, and fearing he might miss his stop, he nudged him and said: "Wake up, sir!"
"I wasn't asleep," the man answered.
"Not asleep? But you had your eyes closed."
"I know. I just hate to look at ladies standing up beside me in a crowded car."
我沒有睡著
當壹群婦女上車之後，車上的座位全都被占滿了。售票員註意到壹名男子好象是睡著了，他擔心這個人會坐過站，就用肘輕輕地碰了碰他，說：“先生，醒醒！”
“我沒有睡著。”那個男人回答。
“沒睡著？可是妳眼睛都閉上了呀？”
“我知道，我只是不願意看到在擁擠的車上有女士站在我身邊而已。”
3.Where is the father?
Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings.
"Look," said the elder brother. "How nice these paintings are!"
"Yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?"
The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was painting the pictures."
父親在哪兒？
兄弟倆在看壹些漂亮的油畫。
“看，”哥哥說，“這些畫多漂亮呀！”
“是啊，”弟弟說道，“可是在所有這些畫中，只有媽媽和孩子。那爸爸去哪兒了呢？”
哥哥想了會兒，然後解釋道：“很明顯，他當時正在畫這些畫唄。”
4.The doctor lives downstairs
"Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me."
He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs."
醫生住在樓下
“醫生”她沖進屋後大聲說道。
“我想讓妳坦率地說我到底得了什麽病。”
他從頭到腳打量打量她，然後大聲說：“太太，我有三件事要對妳說。第壹，您的體重需要減少大約50磅；第二，如果您要用上十分之壹的胭脂和口紅，您的美貌將會改變。第三，我是壹位畫家——醫生住在樓下。”
5.Which woman?
One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall.
On my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out."The woman who loves you the
most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield."
My husband looked up and said, "Mom's here?"
哪壹位女人？
壹天晚上我開著丈夫的車去購物，
回來後發現車身沾滿灰塵，於是擦洗了壹陣。當我終於走進屋裏時大聲喊：“世界上最愛妳的女人剛擦洗了妳的車燈和擋風玻璃。”
我丈夫擡頭看了看，說：“媽媽來了？”
6. Advice for "Kid"
A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is n their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,"Get the kid."
忠告“年輕者”
這裏想對將要退休者提壹點忠告。如果妳只有65歲的話，
千萬別進退休社區。因為那裏人人都七八十歲或者八九十歲了。每當要搬東西，擡東西或者裝東西時，他們就叫喊，“讓小的幹吧。”
7.The mean man's party.
The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."
"Why use my elbow and foot?"
"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?"
吝嗇鬼請客
壹個出了名的吝嗇鬼終於決定要請壹次客了。他在向壹個朋友解釋怎麽找到他家時說：“妳上到五樓，找中間那個門，然後用妳的胳膊肘按門鈴。門開了之後，再用妳的腳把門推開。”
“為什麽要用我的肘和腳呢？”
“妳的雙手得拿禮物啊。天哪，妳總不會空著手來吧？”吝嗇鬼回答。
8.Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!
Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!
Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.
我的狗不識字
布朗夫人：哦，
親愛的，我把珍愛的小狗給丟了！
史密斯夫人：可是妳該在報紙上登廣告啊！
布朗夫人：沒有用的，我的小狗不認識字。”
9.Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.
At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."
它們是從美國直接帶來的
壹位中國老婦人在美國看望女兒回來不久，到壹家市銀行存女兒送給她的美元。在銀行櫃臺，銀行職員認真檢查了每壹張鈔票，看是否有假。
這種做法讓老婦人很不耐煩，最後實在忍耐不住說：“相信我，先生，也請妳相信這些鈔票。這都是真正的美元，它們是從美國直接帶來的。”
10. He is really somebody
-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.
-- He is really somebody. What does he do?
-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.
他真是壹個大人物
-- 我叔叔下面有1000個人。
-- 他真是壹個大人物。幹什麽的？
-- 墓地守墓人。
1.The Thirsty Pigeon口渴的鴿子
A PIGEON, oppressed by excessive thirst, saw a goblet of water painted on a signboard. Not supposing it to be only a picture, she flew towards it with a loud whir and unwittingly dashed against the signboard, jarring herself terribly. Having broken her wings by the blow, she fell to the ground, and was caught by one of the bystanders.
Zeal should not outrun discretion.
有只鴿子口渴得很難受，看見畫板上畫著壹個水瓶，以為是真的。他立刻呼呼地猛飛過 去，不料壹頭碰撞在畫板上，折斷了翅膀，摔在地上，被人輕易地捉住了。
這是說，有些人想急於得到所需的東西，壹時沖動，草率從事，就會身遭不幸。
2.The Goat and the Goatherd 山羊與牧羊人
A GOATHERD had sought to bring back a stray goat to his flock. He whistled and sounded his horn in vain; the straggler paid no attention to the summons. At last the Goatherd threw a stone, and breaking its horn, begged the Goat not to tell his master. The Goat replied, "Why, you silly fellow, the horn will speak though I be silent."
Do not attempt to hide things which cannot be hid.
很多山羊被牧羊人趕到羊圈裏。有壹只山羊不知在吃什麽好東西，單獨落在後面。牧羊 人拿起壹塊石頭扔了過去，正巧打斷了山羊的壹只角。牧羊人嚇得請求山羊不要告訴主人， 山羊說：“即使我不說，又怎能隱瞞下去呢？我的角已斷了，這是十分明顯的事實。”
這故事說明，明顯的罪狀是無法隱瞞的。
3.The Ass and the Grasshopper 驢子與蚱蜢
AN ASS having heard some Grasshoppers chirping, was highly enchanted; and, desiring to possess the same charms of melody, demanded what sort of food they lived on to give them such beautiful voices. They replied, "The dew." The Ass resolved that he would live only upon dew, and in a short time died of hunger.
驢子聽見蚱蜢唱歌，被美妙動聽的歌聲所打動，自己也想能發出同樣悅耳動聽的聲音，便 羨慕地問他們吃些什麽，才能發出如此美妙的聲音來。蚱蜢答道：“吃露水。”驢子便也只吃露水，沒多久就餓死了。
這個故事告訴人們不要企望非份之物。
4.The Lion and the Mouse 獅子與報恩的老鼠
A LION was awakened from sleep by a Mouse running over his face. Rising up angrily, he caught him and was about to kill him, when the Mouse piteously entreated, saying: "If you would only spare my life, I would be sure to repay your kindness." The Lion laughed and let him go. It happened shortly after this that the Lion was caught by some hunters, who bound him by strong ropes to the ground. The Mouse, recognizing his roar, came and gnawed the rope with his teeth and set him free, exclaiming:
"You ridiculed the idea of my ever being able to help you, expecting to receive from me any repayment of your favor; now you know that it is possible for even a Mouse to con benefits on a Lion."
獅子睡著了，有只老鼠跳到了他身上。獅子猛然站起來，把他抓住，準備吃掉。老鼠請求饒命，並說如果保住性命，必將報恩，獅子輕蔑地笑了笑，便把他放走了。不久，獅子真的被老鼠救了性命。原來獅子被壹個獵人抓獲，並用繩索把他捆在壹棵樹上。老鼠聽到了他 的哀嚎，走過去咬斷繩索，放走了獅子，並說：
“妳當時嘲笑我，不相信能得到我的報答， 現在可清楚了，老鼠也能報恩。” 這故事說明，時運交替變更，強者也會有需要弱者的時候。