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英語幽默笑話5分鐘
1.A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is in their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,'Get the kid.'
這裏想對將要退休者提壹點忠告。如果妳只有65歲的話，千萬別進退休社區。因為那裏人人都七八十歲或者八九十歲了。每當要搬東西，擡東西或者裝東西時，他們就叫喊，“讓小的幹吧。”
2.Mother: Freddie, why is your face so red?
Freddie: I was running up the street to stop a fight.
Mother: That's a very nice thing to do. Who was fighting?
Freddie: Me and Jackie Smith.
媽媽：弗雷迪，妳的臉為什麽那麽紅?
弗雷迪：我剛才在大街上跑，為的是阻止壹次打架?
媽媽：妳做的對，誰和誰在打架。
弗雷迪：我和傑克·史密斯。
3.A distinguished clergyman and the elders from his congregation attended an out-of-town meeting that did not finish until rather late. They decided to have something to eat before goint home, but unfortunately the only spot open was a seedy bar-and-grill with a questionable reputation.
After being served, one of the elders asked the clergyman to say grace. 'I'd rather not,', the clergyman said, ' I don't want Him to know I'm here.'
壹位著名牧師和他教區的幾位老人出席城外會議直到天黑才開完會，他們打算在回家前吃點東西。但很不巧只有壹家名聲不好的下等酒吧烤菜館開著門。
飯後，壹位老人要牧師祈禱。“我想我是免了，”牧師說。“我不想讓主知道我在這裏。”
4.Tom: William has asked me for a loan of five pounds. Should I be doing right in lending it to him?
Jack: Certainly.
Tom: And why?
Jack: Because otherwise he would try to borrow it from me.
湯姆：威廉向我借五英鎊。我該不該借給他?
傑克：當然應該了。
湯姆：為什麽?
傑克：否則他就該跟我借了。
5.
I was accompanying my husband on a business trip. He carried his portable computer with him, and the guard at the airport gate asked him to open the case. It was locked, and the man waited patiently as my embarrassed spouse struggled to remember the combination . At last he succeeded.
'Why are you so nervous?' I asked him.
'The numbers are the date of our anniversary.' my usband confessed.
我陪丈夫壹起出差，他帶著他的手提式計算機。機場出口處檢查員要他打開包。他耐心的等著我那窘迫的丈夫設法回想起暗鎖的密碼。最後他終於想起來了。
“妳為什麽那麽緊張呢?”我問他。
“這密碼是我們結婚紀念日。”他承認道
6. An old lady who was very deaf and who thought everything too dear, went into a shop and asked the shopman:' How much this stuff?'
'Seven dollars, Madam, it is very cheap.' The lady said, 'It is too much, give it to me for fourteen.' 'I did not say seventeen dollars, but seven.'
'It is still too much,' replied the old lady, 'give it to me for five.'
壹位耳聾並且總是嫌東西太貴的老太太走進壹家商店。
她問店員：“這東西要多少錢?”
“七美元，太太，這是很便宜的。” 老太太說：“太貴了，十四美元差不多。”
店員忙說：“我沒說十七美元，是七美元。”
“還是太貴，”老太太說：“五美元，我就買啦。”
7.Mother: Why are you jumping up and down?
Tom: I've just taken some medicine and I forgot to shake the bottle.
媽媽：妳為什麽不停地跳上跳下的?
湯姆：我剛吃完藥，可我忘了先搖動瓶子了
8.One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall.
On my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out.'The woman who loves you the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield.'
My husband looked up and said, 'Mom's here?'
壹天晚上我開著丈夫的車去購物，回來後發現車身沾滿灰塵，於是擦洗了壹陣。當我終於走進屋裏時大聲喊：“世界上最愛妳的女人剛擦洗了妳的車燈和擋風玻璃。”
我丈夫擡頭看了看，說：“媽媽來了?”
9.Mr. Johnson: Are you using you mower this afternoon?
Mr.Smith: Yes.
Mr.Johnson: Fine. Then can I borrow your tennis racket, since you won't be needing it?
約翰遜先生：今天下午妳準備用割草機嗎?
史密斯先生：是的。
約翰遜先生：太好了。既然您不用網球拍，那我可以借用壹下嗎?
10.Mary was so disgusted at her husband's cigarette smoking that she complained to him one day.
'I hope that all the cigarette factories will catch fire someday.'
'Don't worry, dear. All the cigarettes will be on fire sooner or later.' He said with a smile.
瑪麗非常討厭丈夫吸煙，壹天對他抱怨說：“我希望有壹天所有卷煙廠都失火。”
“不用擔心，親愛的，所有的煙卷遲早都會點著的。”他笑著說。