外國經典英語笑話大全
The doctor lives downstairs醫生住在樓下
"Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me."
He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs."
?醫生?她沖進屋後大聲說道。?我想讓妳坦率地說我到底得了什麽病。?
他從頭到腳打量打量她，然後大聲說：?太太，我有三件事要對妳說。第壹，您的體重需要減少大約50磅;第二，如果您要用上十分之壹的胭脂和口紅，您的美貌將會改變。第三，我是壹位畫家?醫生住在樓下。?
它們是從美國直接帶來的
Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.
At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."
壹位中國老婦人在美國看望女兒回來不久，到壹家市銀行存女兒送給她的美元。在銀行櫃臺，銀行職員認真檢查了每壹張鈔票，看是否有假。
這種做法讓老婦人很不耐煩，最後實在忍耐不住說：?相信我，先生，也請妳相信這些鈔票。這都是真正的`美元，它們是從美國直接帶來的。?
He is really somebody他真是壹個大人物
My uncle has 1000 men under him.
He is really somebody. What does he do?
A maintenance man in a cemetery.
我叔叔下面有1000個人。
他真是壹個大人物。幹什麽的?
墓地守墓人。
請把胡子還給我
A man who sold brooms went into a barber?s shop to get shaved. The barber brought one of his brooms. After he had shaved him, he asked for the price of the brooms.
?Two pence,? said the man.
?No, no,? said the barber. ?I will give you a penny, and if you don?t think that is enough, you may take your broom back!?
The man took it and asked what he had to pay his shave.
?A penny,? said the barber.
?I will give you a half penny, and if that is not enough, you may put my beard on again.?
壹個賣掃帚的人去理發店修面。理發師從他那裏買了壹把掃帚。當理發師給他修面後，問壹下他掃帚的價格。
買掃帚的人說：?兩個便士。?
?不，不。?理發師說：? 我只出壹個便士，如果妳認為不夠的話，可以把掃帚拿回去。?
賣掃帚的人拿回了掃帚，隨後問修面要付多少錢。
?壹便士。?理發師說。
賣掃帚的人說：?我給妳半個便士，如果不夠的話，請把我的胡子還給我。?
相親
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave.When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.""Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
和盲約對象呆了壹晚上後，男人再也受不了了。他事先安排了個朋友給他打電話，這樣他就能借故先離開了。當他回到桌邊，他垂下眼睛，裝出壹副陰沈的表情，說：?有個不幸的消息，我的祖父剛剛去世了。?謝天謝地!?他的約會對象說，?如果妳的祖父不死，我的祖父就得死了!?
Boss's idea
When my printer's type began to go faint, I called a repair shop where a friendly man told me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.
Because the shop charged 50 pounds for such cleanings, he told me, it would be better for me to read the printer's directions and try the job myself.
Pleasantly surprised by his words, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"
"Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to repair things themselves first."
由於我的打印機不能打印出清晰的字來，我就打電話給維修部。電話是壹位非常和藹的男人接的，他說我的打印機也許只是需要清理壹下。
他還說，如果讓維修部清理的話要交50英鎊的清理費，讓我最好看看使用手冊自己試著清理。
當時我真的被他的話感動了，就問他：?妳們老板知道妳這樣拒絕生意麽?
?事實上，這就是我們老板的主意，?雇員答道：?因為如果我們讓用戶先自行修理打印機的話就能掙更多的錢。?
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