演講者如何調侃自己
作為壹個演講者，我從觀眾那只得到過兩種抱怨：壹種是我講話聲音太大了，他們無法入睡；第二種是我講得時間太長了，他們無法壹直清醒。
As a speaker, I’ve only had two complaints from audiences. One, that I talk so loud they can’t fall asleep. And two, that I talk so long they can’t stay awake.
創新句子：妳們或者睡覺，或者不睡，只要不打呼嚕，我就接著講。
作為壹個講演者，他的演講總拿來和林肯的哥得堡演講[壹個著名的演講]相比較。當他演講結束時，也有悲傷、眼淚和悲痛——特別是計劃委員會。
As a speaker, he has often been compared to Abraham Lincoln delivering the Gettysburg Address. When he finishes his speech, there is also sorrow, tears and mourning ---- especially by the program committee.
幽默註釋：演講者講得太糟糕了，組織者哭得很傷心。
演講結束時，宴會主人感謝妳從繁忙的日程中抽出時間來——妳泰然自若，優雅地點頭微笑著，心裏非常清楚妳日歷上唯壹的事情就是就早餐後喝點咖啡。
Poise is when you finish your speech and the toastmaster thanks you for taking time out of your busy schedule to be a part of their program --- and you nod and smile graciously knowing full well that the only thing on your calendar is a little coffee from breakfast.
幽默註釋：壹些老幹部退休後沒什麽事幹，有人請他參加壹些活動，他還假裝很忙，好象推開了很多事才趕去似的。
過去我演講時常常會比較緊張，但那時我看到壹條信息說如果妳想象所有的觀眾都是裸體會有所幫助。此時此刻，我站在這裏想象著觀眾都是裸體，真的起作用，我不再緊張了，但眼睛有些疲勞。
I used to get nervous when giving a speech but then I read that it helps to think of the entire audience as being naked. And so, at this very moment, I’m standing up here imagining every one in this audience as being naked. And it really works. I no suffer from nervousness. Eyestrain. Yes.
幽默註釋：把觀眾想象成裸體，意思是我不怕妳們，就不緊張了。
創新句子：大部分人站在講臺上都會有點兒緊張，我屬於少部分人，我非常緊張。
我本人不自負——我簡直不能告訴妳們我是多麽欽佩我這壹點。
Personally, I have never been conceited --- and I can’t tell you how much I admire myself for that.
幽默句子：他因為自己不自負，所以變得非常驕傲。
創新句子：我壹點兒都不自負，我希望別人也這麽看我。
我先用簡單明了的英語演講，以後我再翻譯給律師聽。
Let me put this into plain English. I’ll translate it for the lawyers later.
幽默註釋：律師總喜歡用復雜的語言，簡單的話都聽不懂了。
創新句子：我的講話有三個版本，小學生版本，中學生版本，大學生版本，妳是聽小學壹年紀版的，還是小學二年紀版的？
如果妳聽過這個故事，請不要打斷我，我就知道這壹個故事。
If you’ve already heard this story, please don’t stop me because it’s the only one I know.
幽默註釋：就是妳知道兩個故事，講故事前也可以這麽說。
創新句子：我講個笑話，如果妳們聽過，也希望裝做沒聽過，我也這樣照顧妳們。
演講就象給草坪澆水，如果有四分之壹的水滲下去妳就滿意了。
Making a speech is like watering a lawn. You’re satisfied if just a quarter of it sinks in.
幽默註釋：有人打呼嚕，有人說話，都是正常的，有四分之壹觀眾聽就不錯了。
演講開始時我們有壹些***同點，妳們不知道我要講什麽——我也不知道。
At the very start, let me just say that we both have something in common. You don’t know what I’m going to say --- and neither do I.
幽默句子：即興演講的開場白。
創新句子：我不知道妳們會不會喜歡我的演講，我不知道我要講點兒什麽。
開始前我想告訴妳們下面的演講已經編輯成了電視節目，我現在少講20分鐘，我們能夠及時趕回家看2臺的節目。
Before I begin, I want you to know that the following speech has been edited for television. I cut 20 minutes out of it so we could all get home in time for the game on channel 2.
幽默註釋：放著現場不看，偏要回家在電視上看。
可能妳們有些人知道我今晚出現在這裏有兩個原因：第壹個原因是妳們的計劃委員會壹直在設法尋找壹個聰明、有趣、老練的演講者，——他們找到了。第二個原因是那個人病了，所以就打電話把我找來了。
As some of you may know, I’m appearing here tonight for two very good reasons. The first reason is your Program Committee was trying to find a speaker who’s intelligent, entertaining, sophisticated --- and they did. The second reason is, he got sick so they called me.
幽默註釋：壹開始好象在說自己很牛，其實就是個臨時替場。
創新句子：我認為我演講很風趣，可為什麽沒人笑呢？
有人有舞臺恐懼癥，我沒有；舞臺不會怎麽樣我，是觀眾快把我嚇死了！
Some people suffer from stage fright. I don’t. The stage doesn’t bother me at all. It’s the audience that scares the hell out of me!
幽默註釋：stage fright舞臺恐懼癥，而不是舞臺嚇唬我。
我們每個人都希望能在某壹時刻把時鐘撥回去。如果我能夠把時鐘撥回去45分鐘，我就是這間房間裏最幸福的人，我把演講稿落在廚房桌子上了。
At one time or another, I think each of us has wished we could turn back the clock. I know if I could turn back the clock just 45 minutes, I’d be the happiest person in this room. Because that’s when I left my speech on the kitchen table.
幽默註釋：自己上臺前還在刻苦練習，演講稿落家裏了，講錯了希望觀眾包涵。
我不想吹牛，但上次我演講時所有的觀眾都站了起來，他們再也沒有坐下，直到走到他們的汽車那兒。
I don’t want to brag, but the last time I did this it brought the audience to its feet. And they never sat down again until they reached their cars.
幽默註釋：觀眾聽他演講，都站起來走了，他還在吹牛呢。
創新句子：我演講時用壹種平緩的語速娓娓道來，觀眾睡得很香甜。
如果我有點兒猶豫，妳們壹定要原諒我，這是我第壹次飯後演講——在賣當勞裏沖我的小孩兒喊叫除外。
If I’m a little hesitant, you’ll have to excuse me. This is the first after-dinner speech I’ve ever made ---except for yelling at my kids in McDonald’s.
幽默註釋：自嘲自己演講沒什麽經驗。
創新句子：妳可能知道我已經養成了飯後演講的習慣。
我不習慣面對這麽多觀眾演講，讓我鼓起勇氣的壹件事情就是我在談論我最喜歡的題目——我。
I’m not used to speaking to such a large audience. The one thing that gives me courage is that I’m speaking on my favorite subject --- me.
幽默註釋：電視上老是邀請壹些名人在那兒大談自己，這些人開場可以這麽說。
人們總問我為什麽我戴頂10加侖的紅色帽子（或者壹些其它非常顯眼的衣服飾品），我告訴他們那是我采取的積極現實的生活態度。我知道不管發生什麽事情，善良的上帝總在註視著我們。現在地球上有60億人，我希望上帝能從蕓蕓眾生中壹眼就挑出我來。
People always ask me why I wear a big red ten gallon hat (or some other very noticeable article of clothing) and I tell them. It has to do with taking a positive but practical view of life. For instance, I know that no matter what happens, the good Lord is watching over us. Then again, there are now six billion of us, so I want to make darn sure He can pick me out of the crowd.
幽默註釋：多麽新穎的創意，戴頂綠帽子就想引起上帝註意。
創新句子：別再說謊了，趁上帝還沒註意妳。
如果妳們允許我準備讀我的講稿，我有三個理由：第壹，我記憶力非常差——其它兩個原因我記不清了。
With your permission, I’m going to read this paper. I’m going to read it for three reasons: one, I have a very poor memory –and the other two I can’t remember.
幽默註釋：為自己忘詞找好借口。
創新句子：我記憶力不好，我忘了把講稿帶來。
不必要的單詞是精彩演講的禍根，我再重復壹遍…
Unnecessary words are the bane of good speeches. Let me repeat that…
幽默註釋：這時候重復帶來很好的效果。
創新句子：演講時最忌諱重復，我再說壹遍：千萬不要重復。
有時候確實讓人糊塗，妳看見代表舉起了胳膊，但妳根本確定不了他是在憑良心選舉還是在檢查他的關節炎。
It did get a little confusing at times. If you saw a delegate raising his arm, you could never be quite sure if he was voting his conscience or testing his arthritis.
幽默註釋：有人舉胳膊未必是在真心選妳。
創新句子：選舉時只要我關節炎不犯，我肯定會舉手。
對不起，（從錢包裏拽出壹張紙幣，象拿手絹壹樣，在上面打噴嚏，然後扔掉）如果說我憎恨什麽的話，那就是炫耀。
Excuse me. (Pull a bill from your wallet, handle it as you would a handkerchief, sneeze and then throw the bill away and say) If there’s one I hate ostentation.
幽默註釋：炫耀吧，有錢人有炫耀的資本。
創新句子：我不想炫耀，有學問的人不愛炫耀。
妳們都知道，在公司裏我只要求員工三件事：誠實、正直和崇拜偶像。
As you know, in all these years with the company, I have only asked for three things from my staff: honesty, integrity and idolatry.