A guard was about to signal his train to start when he saw an attractive girl standing on the platform by an open door, talking to another pretty girl inside the carriage.
"Come on, miss!" he shouted. "Shut the door, please!"
"Oh, I just want to kiss my sister goodbye," she called back.
"You just shut that door, please," called the guard, "and I'll see to the rest."
其余的事由我負責
壹位車上的列車員剛發出信號讓火車啟動，這時他看見壹位很漂亮的姑娘站在站臺上壹節打開的車廂門旁邊，跟車廂裏另壹位漂亮姑娘在說話。
“快點，小姐!”他喊道：“請把門關上。”
“噢，我還沒有和妹妹吻別呢。”她回答道。
“請把門關上好了，”列車員說：“其余的事由我負責。”
Sleeping Pills
Bob was having trouble getting to sleep at night. He went to see his doctor, who prescribed some extra-strong sleeping pills.
Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm. He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to his boss: "I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up this morning."
"That's fine," roared the boss, "but where were you Monday and Tuesday?"
安眠藥
鮑勃晚上失眠。他去看醫生，醫生給他開了壹些強力安眠藥。
星期天晚上鮑勃吃了藥，睡得很好，在鬧鐘響之前就醒了過來。他到了辦公室，遛達進去，對老板說：“我今天早上起床壹點麻煩都沒有。”
“好啊!”老板吼道，“那妳星期壹和星期二到哪兒去了？”
A Smugglar
The suspicious-looking man drove up to the border, where he was greeted by a sentry. When the guard looked in the trunk, he was surprised to find six sacks bulging at the seams.
"What's in here?" he asked.
"Dirt," the driver replied.
"Take them out," the guard instructed. "I want to check them."
Obliging, the man removed the bags, and sure enough, each one of them contained nothing but dirt. Reluctantly, the guard let him go.
A week later the man came back, and once again, the sentry looked in the truck.
"What's in the bags this time?" he asked.
"Dirt, more dirt." said the man.
Not believing him, the guard checked the sacks and, once again, he found nothing but soil.
The same thing happened every week for six months, and it finally became so frustrating to the guard that he quit and became a bartender. Then one night, the suspicious-looking fellow happened to stop by for a drink. Hurrying over to him, the former guard said, "Listen, pal, drinks are on the house tonight if you'll do me a favor: Just tell me what the hell you were smuggling all that time."
Grinning broadly, the man leaned close to the bartender's ear and whispered, "Cars."
走私犯
壹個形跡可疑的人開車來到邊境，哨兵迎了上去。哨兵在檢查汽車行李箱時，驚奇地發現了六個接縫處鼓得緊繃繃的大口袋。
“裏面裝的是什麽？”他問道。
“土。”司機回答。
“把袋子拿出來”，哨兵命令道：“我要檢查。”
那人順從地把口袋搬了出來。確實，口袋裏除了土以外，別無他特。哨兵很不情願地讓他通過了。
壹周後，那人又來了，哨兵再次檢查汽車上的行李箱。
“這次袋子裏裝的是什麽？”他問道。
“土，又運了壹些土。”那人回答。
哨兵不相信，對那些袋子又進行了檢查，結果發現，除了土以外，仍舊壹無所獲。
同樣的事情每周重演壹次，壹***持續了六個月。最後，哨兵被弄得灰心喪氣，幹脆辭職去當了酒吧侍者。有天夜裏，那個形跡可疑的人碰巧途經酒吧，下車喝酒。那位從前的哨兵急忙迎上前去對他說，“我說，老兄，妳要是能幫我壹個忙，今晚的酒就歸我請客。妳能不能告訴我，那段時間妳到底在走私什麽東西？”
那人俯身過來，湊近侍者的耳朵，裂開嘴笑嘻嘻地說：“汽車。”
Skunk
"We have a skunk in the basement," shrieked the caller to the police dispatcher. "How can we get it out?"
"Take some bread crumbs," said the dispatcher, "and put down a trail from the basement out to the back yard. Then leave the cellar door open."
Sometime later the resident called back. "Did you get rid of it?" asked the dispatcher.
"No," replied the caller. "Now I have two skunks in there!"
臭 鼬
“我們的地下室裏有壹只臭鼬，”打電話的人對警察調度員尖叫道。“我們怎樣才能把它弄出來？”
“弄壹些面包屑，”調度員說，“從地下室往外鋪壹條小道直到後院。然後將地下室的門打開。”
壹段時間後，那位居民又將電話打了回來。“妳們將它弄出來了嗎？”調度員問。
“沒有，”打電話的人答道，“現在那兒有兩只臭鼬了。”
Patience
Angler: You've been watching me for three hours now. Why don't you try yourself?
Onlooker: I haven't got the patience.
耐 性
垂釣者：妳已經盯著看了三個小時了，妳幹嘛不自己親自釣呢？
旁觀者：我沒那耐性。
Bedtime Prayers
Julie was saying her bedtime prayers. "Please God," she said, "make Naples the capital of Italy. Make Naples the capital of Italy."
Her mother interrupted and said. "Julie, why do you want God to make Naples the capital of Italy?"
And Julie replyed, "Because that's what I put in my geography exam!"
睡前禱告詞
朱莉葉在做睡前禱告。“上帝，求求妳，”她說，“讓那不勒斯成為意大利的首都吧。”
媽媽打斷她的話說：“朱莉葉，為什麽求上帝讓那不勒斯成為意大利的首都呢？”
朱莉葉回答道：“因為我在地理考卷上是這樣寫的。”
Things Have Been Okay
A young couple were becoming anxious about their four-year-old son, who had not yet talked. They took him to specialists, but the doctors found nothing wrong with him. Then one morning at breakfast the boy suddenly blurted, "Mom, the toast is burned."
"You talked! You talked!" Shouted his mother. "I'm so happy! But why has it taked this long?"
"Well, up till now," Said the boy, "things have been okay."
壹切都正常
壹對年輕夫婦有個兒子，已經四歲了，還沒有開品說話，他們對此深感焦慮。他們帶他去找專家診治，但醫生們總覺得他沒有毛病。後來有壹天早上吃早餐時，那孩子突然開口了：“媽媽，面包烤焦了。”
“妳說話了!妳說話了!”他母親叫了起來。“我太高興了!但為什麽花了這麽長的時間呢？”
“哦，在這之前，”那男孩說，“壹切都很正常。”
That's Why
Jimmy started painting when he was three years old, and when he was five, he was already very good at it. He painted many beautiful and interesting pictures, and people paid a lot of money for them. They said, "This boy's going to be famous when he's little older, and then we're going to sell these pictures for a lot more money."
Jimmy's pictures were different from other people's because he never painted on all of the paper. He painted on half of it, and the other half was always empty.
"That's very clever," everyone said, "Nobody else does that!"
One day somebody bought one of Jimmy's pictures and then said to him, "Please tell me this, Jimmy. Why do you paint on the bottom half of your pictures, but not on the top half?"
"Because I'm small," Jimmy said, "and my burshes don't reach very high."
原來如此
吉米三歲開始畫畫，五歲時已經畫得很好了。他畫了很多美麗而有趣的畫，人們出高價購買。他們說，“這個孩子長大壹點肯定會出名，我們可以靠這些畫大賺壹筆。”
吉米的畫與眾不同。因為他從來不在整張紙上作畫。他只畫壹半的紙，而另壹半他總空著。
“構思多麽巧妙啊!”大家都說，“從來沒有人這麽做過。”
有壹天，壹個人買了吉米的畫，然後問他：“請告訴我，吉米，妳為什麽總是在紙的下半部分畫畫，而不是在紙的上半部分？”
吉米說，“因為我個頭小，夠不著上面。”
A Trip to Disney
On a trip to Disney World in Florida, my husband and I adn our two children devoted ourselves wholeheartedly to the wonders of this attraction. After three exhausting days, we headed for home.
As we drove away, our son waved and said, "Good-by, Mickey."
Our daughter waved and said, "Good-by, Minnie."
My husband waved, rather weakly, and said, "Good-by, Money."
迪斯尼之族
弗羅裏達州的迪斯尼樂園是壹個迷人的地方。壹次我和丈夫以及兩個孩子前往旅遊，我們全身心地沈醉在它的各種奇觀之中。精疲力竭地玩了三天之後，我們要回家了。
當我們驅車離開時，兒子揮手說：“再見，美奇。”
女兒揮著手說，“再見，美妮。”
丈夫也有氣無力地揮了揮手，說道：“再見，美元。”
A Fine Match
One day a lady saw a mouse running across her kitchen floor. She was very afraid of mouse, so she ran out of the house, got into a bus and went to the shops. There she bought a mousetrap. The shopkeeper said to her, "Put some cheese in it and you will soon catch that mouse."
The lady went home with her mousetrap, but when she looked in her cupboard, she could not find any cheese in it. She did not want to go back to the shop, because it was very late, so she cut a picture of some cheese out of a magazine and put that in the trap.
Surprisingly, the picture of the cheese was quite successful! When the lady came down to the kitchen the next morning she found a picture of a mouse in the trap beside the picture of the cheese!
勢均力敵
有壹天某位女士看到壹只老鼠在自家的廚房地板上竄過。她很害怕老鼠，所以她沖出屋子，搭上了公***汽車直奔商店。在那兒，她買了壹只老鼠夾。店主告訴她：“放點奶酪在裏面，很快妳就會逮住那只老鼠的。”
這位女士帶著鼠夾回到家裏，但她沒有在碗櫥裏找到奶酪。她不想再回到商店裏去，因為已經很晚了。於是，她就從壹份雜誌中剪下壹幅奶酪的圖片放進了夾子。
令人稱奇的是，這畫有奶酪的圖片竟然奏效了!第二天早上，這位女士下樓到廚房時，發現鼠夾裏奶酪圖片旁有壹張畫有老鼠的圖片!
Prepare Yourself
A story around campus has it taht a student once sent a telegram to his parents reading: "Mom - flunked all courses. Kicked out of school. Prepare Pop."
Two days later he received a response: "Pop prepared. Prepare yourself."
自己做好準備
校園裏流傳著這樣的故事：壹個學生壹次給父母拍了壹份電報，上面寫著：“媽媽－我所有功課都不及格，被學校開除。讓爸爸做好準備。”
兩天以後，他收到了回電：“爸爸已準備好。妳自己做好準備吧!”