英語幽默笑話長篇故事

笑話第壹篇（這篇若外國人看了壹定會笑） Adam and Joseph were talking about their families. Adam said,"My grandfather was a very good conductor before he died" "Was he a musician?" joseph asked. "No,"said Adam,"he was struck by lightning." 亞當和約瑟正在談及他們的家人。 亞當說：「我祖父在他死前是壹個很好的conductor(conductor可作指揮，或導電體解） 約瑟問：「他是不是壹個音樂家？」 亞當說：「不是，他是被雷電擊中」 第二個笑話 The Bishop spoke to the congregation about the shortage of priests and nuns. "Too many of you are only having one child and letting them go off into other professions. I propose that each family should have three children: one for the father, one for mother and one for the church." A few days later, the bishop was out shopping when he saw a pregnant woman from his parish. But before he could say hello, she shouted above the crowd,"This one is yours, Bishop!" 有壹個主教對他的會眾說及，神父和修女的短缺。 他說：「妳們當中太多人只生壹個孩子，並讓他們從事其他行業。我建議每個家庭應有三個孩子，壹個為著爸爸，壹個為著媽媽，壹個為著教會。」 幾天後，主教外出購物，並看到壹個他教區的孕婦，在他向她問安之先，她當眾大聲地說：「主教，這個孩子是妳的！」 ...................................................................... 1) A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very *** all. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, *When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah*. The teacher asked, *What if Jonah went to hell?* The little girl replied, *Then you ask him!* 2) A student es to a young professor*s office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly.*I would do anything to pass this exam, * she says.She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. *I mean,* she whispers, *I would do anything... *He returns her gaze, *Anything?**Anything.*His voice softens, *Anything?**Anything,* she repeats again. His voice turns to a whisper. *Would you ... study?*　妳可以讀的慢壹點　Good Boy Little Robert asked his mother for o cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?" "I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered. "You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are o cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?" "She is the one who sells the candy." 好孩子 小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。 “昨天給妳的錢幹什麽了？” “我給了壹個可憐的老太婆，”他回答說。 “妳真是個好孩子，”媽媽驕傲地說。“再給妳兩分錢。可妳為什麽對那位老太太那麽感興趣呢？” “她是個賣糖果的。” Nest and Hair My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom. "What kind of bird?" my sister asked. "I didn't see the bird, ma' am, only the nest," replied the child. "Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her . "Well, ma'am, it just resembles your hair. " Notes: (1) inform v.告訴 (2) nest n.窩；巢 (3) description n.描述 (4) encourage v.鼓勵 (5) resemble v. 相似；類似 鳥窩與頭發 我姐姐是壹位小學老師。壹次壹個學生告訴她說壹只鳥兒在教室外 的樹上壘了個窩。 “是什麽鳥呢？”我姐姐問她。 “我沒看到鳥兒，老師，只看到鳥窩。”那孩子回答說。 “那麽，妳能給我們描述壹下這個鳥巢嗎？”我姐姐鼓勵她道。 “哦，老師，就像妳的頭發壹樣。” I've Just Bitten My Tongue "Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother. "Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?" "Cause I've just bitten my tongue! " Notes: (1) poisonous adj.有毒的 (2) Cause I've just bitten my tongue 因為我剛咬了自己的舌頭。 句中 Cause 是 Because 的縮略形式。 我剛咬破自己的舌頭 “我們有毒嗎？”壹個年幼的蛇問它的母親。 “是的，親愛的，”她回答說，“妳問這個幹什麽？” “因為我剛剛咬破自己的舌頭。” A Woman Who Fell It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City's Grand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate, a plump, middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the *** ooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes. Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining her posure, she winked at me and said, "Do you always have beautiful women failing at your feet?" 摔倒的女人 上下班高峰期，我匆匆奔向紐約豪華中心站去趕壹趟火車。接近門口，壹位肥胖的中年婦女從後面沖過來，沒想到在平滑的大理石地面上失了腳，仰面滑倒了。她的慣性使她接近了我的腳。我正準備扶她，她卻自己爬了起來。她鎮定了壹下，對我擠了壹下眉，說道：“總是有漂亮女人拜倒在妳腳下嗎？” 英語笑話（壹） Q: What's the difference beeen a monkey and a flea? A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys. 猴子會和跳蚤有什麽不同呢？妳可能會直接的想到它們倆是壹大壹小。但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以長跳蚤，而跳蚤身上卻不能有猴子。這個答案很有意思吧？ Q: How can you most irritate a farmer? A: By treading on his corn? 如果妳踩了農夫的玉米或是谷物，他肯定會生氣的；而如果妳踩了農夫腳底的雞眼，他會更生氣。Corn既可以表示“玉米/谷物”，也有“雞眼”的意思。 Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world? A: The snail. It carries its house on its back. 因為snail（蝸牛）的後背上總是背著壹所房子，所以說蝸牛是世界上最強壯的生物是不足為奇的。妳說呢？ Q: What do people do in a clock factory? A: They make faces all day. 壹看到make faces這個短語，妳可千萬別以為是在鐘表廠工作的人整天都做鬼臉呀！因為除了這個意思以外，它還可以從字面上解釋為制造鐘面。 Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep? A: Keep him awake. 怎樣才能不讓夢遊者（sleepwalker）夢遊（walk in his sleep）呢？最簡單的方法就是不讓他睡覺。雖然這不是治療方法，但如果讓夢遊者醒著呢，他的確就不會去夢遊了。 英語笑話（二） He is really somebody -- My uncle has 1000 men under him. -- He is really somebody. What does he do? -- A maintenance man in a cemetery. 他真是壹個大人物 -- 我叔叔下面有1000個人。 -- 他真是壹個大人物。幹什麽的？ -- 墓地守墓人。 英語笑話（三） Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience. At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America." 它們是從美國直接帶來的 壹位中國老婦人在美國看望女兒回來不久，到壹家市銀行存女兒送給她的美元。在銀行櫃臺，銀行職員認真檢查了每壹張鈔票，看是否有假。 這種做法讓老婦人很不耐煩，最後實在忍耐不住說：“相信我，先生，也請妳相信這些鈔票。這都是真正的美元，它們是從美國直接帶來的。” 英語笑話（四）my little dog can't read Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog! Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers! Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read. 我的狗不識字 布朗夫人：哦， 親愛的，我把珍愛的小狗給丟了！ 史密斯夫人：可是妳該在報紙上登廣告啊！ 布朗夫人：沒有用的，我的小狗不認識字。” 英語笑話（五）Bring me the winner -- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw. -- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight. -- Well, bring me the winner then. 給我那個打贏的吧 -- 服務員， 這個龍蝦只有壹只爪。 -- 對不起，先生，這只肯定打過架了。 -- 哦， 那給我那個打贏的吧。 英語笑話（六）The mean man's party. The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot." "Why use my elbow and foot?" "Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not ing empty-hangded, are you?" 吝嗇鬼請客 壹個出了名的吝嗇鬼終於決定要請壹次客了。他在向壹個朋友解釋怎麽找到他家時說：“妳上到五樓，找中間那個門，然後用妳的胳膊肘按門鈴。門開了之後，再用妳的腳把門推開。” “為什麽要用我的肘和腳呢？” “妳的雙手得拿禮物啊。天哪，妳總不會空著手來吧？”吝嗇鬼回答。 On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?" To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf 在壹個鄉村路上，壹警察讓這個農民靠邊停車，說：“先生，妳意識到妳的妻子在幾公裏前從車上掉下去了嗎？”農民回答說：“感謝上帝，我還以為我聾了呢！” Boxing and Running Dan is teaching his son how to box. As he does so, he left his friend, "This is a tough world, so I’m teaching my boy to fight." Friend: "But suppose he es up against someone much bigger than he is, who’s also been taught how to box." Dan: "I’m teaching him how to run, too." 拳擊和賽跑 丹在教他的兒子怎樣拳擊。他告訴他的朋友：“這是壹個粗暴的世界，所以我要教我的兒子怎麽去拼搏。” 朋友： “如果他碰上的對手是壹個比他高大，健壯而且也會拳擊的人怎麽辦？” 丹：“我也會教他怎麽樣賽跑呢。” Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?" "A kid bit me," replied Ivan. "Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother. "I’d know him anywhere," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket." 伊凡鼻子流著血回到家裏。他媽媽問,"發生了什麽事？“ ”壹個男孩咬了我壹口，“伊凡說。 ”再見到他時妳能認出來嗎?"媽媽問。 “他走到哪裏我都能認出他，”伊凡說，“他的耳朵還在我的衣兜裏呢。” Teacher: Matthew, what is the climate of New Zealand? Matthew: Very Cold, sir. Teacher: Wrong. Matthew: But, sir! When they send us meat it always arrives frozen! 老師：馬修，新西蘭的氣候怎麽樣？ 馬修：先生，那裏的天氣很冷。 老師：錯了。 馬修：可是，先生！從那兒運來的豬肉都凍得硬邦邦的。 1.When Was Rome Built? 羅馬是什麽時候建成的？ Teacher: When was Rome built? Tom: At night. Teacher: Who told you that? Tom: You did. You said Rome wasn't built in a day. 老師：羅馬是什麽時候建成的？ 湯姆：在夜裏建成的。 老師：誰告訴妳的？ 湯姆：是您啊。您說過羅馬不是在壹個白天建成的。 2.He Knows the Answer 他知道答案 Teacher: Can you tell me anything about the great scientists of the 18th century? Pupil: Yes, sir, I can. They are all dead. 教師：妳能告訴我壹些有關十八世紀的偉大科學家的事情嗎？ 學生：我能，先生。他們都死了。 3.Where do babies e from? 小孩從哪裏來？ I asked my father where babies e from. He says you download them from the Inter. 我問爸爸小孩是從哪裏來的，他說是從網上下載的。 4.An Essential Correction 實質性的糾正 Teacher: Walter, why don’t you wash your face? I can see what you had for breakfast this morning. Walter: What was it? Teacher: Eggs. Walter: Wrong, teacher. That was yesterday. 老 師：沃爾特，妳為什麽不洗臉?我看得出妳今天早飯吃了什麽。 沃爾特：我吃了什麽？ 老 師：雞蛋。 沃爾特：錯了，老師。那是昨天吃的。 5. I Don’t Feel Like Getting into an Argument 我不想爭論 “Gerald,” asked the teacher, “what is the shape of the earth?” “It's round,” answered Gerald. “How do you know it's round?” continued the teacher. “All right, it’s square then,” he replied, “ I really don't feel like getting into an argument about it!” “傑拉爾德，”老師說，“地球是什麽形狀的？” “是圓形的，”傑拉爾德回答。 “妳怎麽知道是圓的？”老師繼續問。 “好，那就是方的吧，”他回答說。“我真的不想和您爭論這件事！” 6.Three Reasons 三個理由 Teacher: Bob, give me three reasons why you know the Earth to be round. Bob: Mum says so, Dad says so, and you say so! 老師：鮑勃，說出三條理由來證實地球是圓的。 鮑勃：媽媽是這麽說的，爸爸是這麽說的，您也是這麽說的！ 7.Who Should be Given the Present? 禮物該給誰？ A father of five came home with a toy, summoned his children and asked which one of them should be given the present, “Who is the most obedient, never talks back to mother and does everything he or she is told?” he inquired. There was silence and then a chorus of voices: “You play with it, Daddy!” 壹個有五個孩子的父親帶著壹件玩具回到家裏，把孩子們召集來問這件禮物應該給誰。“誰最聽話，從不和媽媽頂嘴，讓幹什麽就幹什麽？”他問道。 大家都不吭聲。過了壹會兒，孩子們異口同聲地說：“爸爸，您玩兒吧。” 8.Big Head 大腦袋 “All the kids make fun of me,” The boy cried to his mother. “They say I have a big head.” “Don't listen to them,” his mother consoled. “You have a beautiful head. Now stop crying and go to the store for ten pounds of potatoes.” “Where's the shopping bag?” “I haven't got one, use your hat.” “所有的孩子都拿我取樂，”小男孩哭著跟媽媽說：“他們說我長了壹個大腦袋。” “別聽他們的，”他媽媽安慰說。“妳的腦袋長得很漂亮。好了，別哭了, 去到店裏買10磅土豆來。” “兜子在哪兒呢？” “我沒有兜子——就用妳的帽子吧。”　有壹個外國人來到中國。壹天，他路過K F C（肯德基），看見裏面的客人在吃像血壹樣的東西，他就問：“那是什麽？”服務員說：“那是番茄醬。”外國人想：原來中國人的血叫做 番茄醬。 他又路過壹家雞腿店，看見裏面的客人在吃像腿壹樣的東西，他問：“那是什麽？”服務員說：“那是雞腿。”外國人想：原來中國人的腿叫 雞腿。 他又路過壹家文具店，看見裏面有壹個大得像汽車壹樣的橡皮擦，他問：“那是什麽？”老板說：“那是橡皮擦。”外國人想：原來中國人的汽車叫 橡皮擦。 他又路過壹家酒店，看見壹個男的正和壹個女的吵架。男的說：“ *** ！”女的說：“妳娘的！”外國人想：原來中國人男的叫 妳娘的；女的叫 *** 。 後來，他看見了壹場車禍。壹個男的車撞到了壹個女的車，那個被撞的女的腳上海流血了。他就這樣打電話給警察： “在xx街的路口上，壹個 妳娘的汽車撞了壹個 *** 。那個被撞的 *** 雞腿上流了好多番茄醬......”