A man was driving at 130 miles an hour when a policeman overtook him.
"Was I driving too fast,officer?"the man asked.
"NO,"the policeman answered,"You were flying too slow."
太慢或太快
壹個男人正在以130英裏每小時的速度行駛，當壹個警察看見他時，
他問：“我開的太快了嗎？警官。”
“不”，警察說，“妳飛的太慢了。”
Good Boy
Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."
好孩子
小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。
“昨天給妳的錢幹什麽了？”
“我給了壹個可憐的老太婆，”他回答說。 “妳真是個好孩子，”媽媽驕傲地說。“再給妳兩分錢。可妳為什麽對那位老太太那麽感興趣呢？”
“她是個賣糖果的。”
Nest and Hair
My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom.
"What kind of bird?" my sister asked.
"I didn't see the bird, ma' am, only the nest," replied the child.
"Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her .
"Well, ma'am, it just resembles your hair. "
Notes:
(1) inform v.告訴
(2) nest n.窩；巢
(3) description n.描述
(4) encourage v.鼓勵
(5) resemble v. 相似；類似
18.鳥窩與頭發
我姐姐是壹位小學老師。壹次壹個學生告訴她說壹只鳥兒在教室外 的樹上壘了個窩。
“是什麽鳥呢？”我姐姐問她。
“我沒看到鳥兒，老師，只看到鳥窩。”那孩子回答說。
“那麽，妳能給我們描述壹下這個鳥巢嗎？”我姐姐鼓勵她道。
“哦，老師，就像妳的頭發壹樣。”
I've Just Bitten My Tongue
"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother.
"Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?"
"Cause I've just bitten my tongue! "
Notes:
(1) poisonous adj.有毒的
(2) Cause I've just bitten my tongue 因為我剛咬了自己的舌頭。 句中 Cause 是 Because 的縮略形式。
我剛咬破自己的舌頭
“我們有毒嗎？”壹個年幼的蛇問它的母親。
“是的，親愛的，”她回答說，“妳問這個幹什麽？”
“因為我剛剛咬破自己的舌頭。”
A Woman Who Fell
It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City's Grand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate, a plump, middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the smooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes. Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining her composure, she winked at me and said, "Do you always have beautiful women failing at your feet?"
摔倒的女人
上下班高峰期，我匆匆奔向紐約豪華中心站去趕壹趟火車。接近門口，壹位肥胖的中年婦女從後面沖過來，沒想到在平滑的大理石地面上失了腳，仰面滑倒了。她的慣性使她接近了我的腳。我正準備扶她，她卻自己爬了起來。她鎮定了壹下，對我擠了壹下眉，說道：“總是有漂亮女人拜倒在妳腳下嗎？”
英語笑話（壹）
Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea?
A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.
猴子會和跳蚤有什麽不同呢？妳可能會直接的想到它們倆是壹大壹小。但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以長跳蚤，而跳蚤身上卻不能有猴子。這個答案很有意思吧？
Q: How can you most irritate a farmer?
A: By treading on his corn?
如果妳踩了農夫的玉米或是谷物，他肯定會生氣的；而如果妳踩了農夫腳底的雞眼，他會更生氣。Corn既可以表示“玉米/谷物”，也有“雞眼”的意思。
Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world?
A: The snail. It carries its house on its back.
因為snail（蝸牛）的後背上總是背著壹所房子，所以說蝸牛是世界上最強壯的生物是不足為奇的。妳說呢？
Q: What do people do in a clock factory?
A: They make faces all day.
壹看到make faces這個短語，妳可千萬別以為是在鐘表廠工作的人整天都做鬼臉呀！因為除了這個意思以外，它還可以從字面上解釋為制造鐘面。
Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep?
A: Keep him awake.
怎樣才能不讓夢遊者（sleepwalker）夢遊（walk in his sleep）呢？最簡單的方法就是不讓他睡覺。雖然這不是治療方法，但如果讓夢遊者醒著呢，他的確就不會去夢遊了。
英語笑話（二）
He is really somebody
-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.
-- He is really somebody. What does he do?
-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.
他真是壹個大人物
-- 我叔叔下面有1000個人。
-- 他真是壹個大人物。幹什麽的？
-- 墓地守墓人。
英語笑話（三）
Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.
At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."
它們是從美國直接帶來的
壹位中國老婦人在美國看望女兒回來不久，到壹家市銀行存女兒送給她的美元。在銀行櫃臺，銀行職員認真檢查了每壹張鈔票，看是否有假。
這種做法讓老婦人很不耐煩，最後實在忍耐不住說：“相信我，先生，也請妳相信這些鈔票。這都是真正的美元，它們是從美國直接帶來的。”
英語笑話（四）my little dog can't read
Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!
Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!
Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.
我的狗不識字
布朗夫人：哦，
親愛的，我把珍愛的小狗給丟了！
史密斯夫人：可是妳該在報紙上登廣告啊！
布朗夫人：沒有用的，我的小狗不認識字。”
英語笑話（五）Bring me the winner
-- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.
-- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.
-- Well, bring me the winner then.
給我那個打贏的吧
-- 服務員，
這個龍蝦只有壹只爪。
-- 對不起，先生，這只肯定打過架了。
-- 哦， 那給我那個打贏的吧。
英語笑話（六）The mean man's party.
The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."
"Why use my elbow and foot?"
"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?"
吝嗇鬼請客
壹個出了名的吝嗇鬼終於決定要請壹次客了。他在向壹個朋友解釋怎麽找到他家時說：“妳上到五樓，找中間那個門，然後用妳的胳膊肘按門鈴。門開了之後，再用妳的腳把門推開。”
“為什麽要用我的肘和腳呢？”
“妳的雙手得拿禮物啊。天哪，妳總不會空著手來吧？”吝嗇鬼回答。
A Useful Way
Father: Jack， why do you drink so much water?
Jack: I have just had an apple， Dad.
Father: What’s that got to do with it?
Jack: I forgot to wash the apple.
中文：
爸爸：傑克，妳幹嘛喝這麽多水呀？
傑克：我剛才吃了個蘋果，爸爸。
爸爸：可是這跟喝水有什麽關系呢？
傑克：我忘了洗蘋果呀。