地道英語笑話
Back Up Two Miles退後兩英裏
A farmer and his son, traveling by horse and buggy up a narrow lane, met a motorist going the other way. There was no room to pass for two miles in either direction. The motorist, in hurry, honked his horn .
"If you don't back up," said the farmer, rolling up his sleeves, I won't like what I'm going to have to do." The surprised driver put his car in reverse and backed up two miles, allowing the horse and buggy to go by. "What was it you wouldn't have liked to have done back there?" asked the farmer's son.
"Back up two miles," replied the farmer.
壹位農夫和他的兒子乘坐輕便馬車來到壹段窄路，他們遇到壹個開車的人向相反的方向去。兩個方向的兩英裏以內都沒有地方可以使他們相擦而過。駕車人甚是著急，按響了喇叭。 ?如果妳不後退，?農夫說著擼起了袖子，?我可不喜歡我將不得不做的事。?司機吃驚不小，掛上倒擋，向後退了兩英裏，讓輕便馬車先過去。
?剛才在那兒妳說過的妳不喜歡要做的事是什麽?農夫的兒子問道。
?退後兩英裏，?農夫回答道。
Boss's idea
When my printer's type began to go faint, I called a repair shop where a friendly man told me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.
Because the shop charged 50 pounds for such cleanings, he told me, it would be better for me to read the printer's directions and try the job myself.
Pleasantly surprised by his words, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"
"Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to repair things themselves first."
由於我的打印機不能打印出清晰的字來，我就打電話給維修部。電話是壹位非常和藹的男人接的，他說我的打印機也許只是需要清理壹下。
他還說，如果讓維修部清理的話要交50英鎊的清理費，讓我最好看看使用手冊自己試著清理。
當時我真的被他的話感動了，就問他：?妳們老板知道妳這樣拒絕生意麽?
?事實上，這就是我們老板的主意，?雇員答道：?因為如果我們讓用戶先自行修理打印機的話就能掙更多的錢。?
新生兒
The New Baby Mr.and Mrs.Taylor had a seven year old boy named Pat.Now Mrs.Taylor was expecting another child. Pat had seen babies in other people's houses and had not liked them very much，so he was not delighted about the news that there was soon going to be one in his house too. One evening Mr.and Mrs.Taylor were making plans for the baby's arrival.?This house won't be big enough for us all when the baby comes，?said Mr.Taylor. Pat came into the room just then and said，?What are you talking aboutWe were saying that we'll have to move to an other house now，because the new baby's coming，?his mother answered. ? It's no use，?said Pat hopelessly.? He'll follow us there.?
泰勒夫婦有壹個七歲的男孩，名叫帕特。現在泰勒太太正懷著第二胎。 帕特在別人家看見過嬰兒，他不太喜歡他們，所以他對自己家裏也將有壹個嬰兒的消息感到不滿。 壹天晚上，泰勒夫婦正在為這個嬰兒的降生計劃做安排。泰勒先生說：?有了嬰兒，我們的房子就太小，不夠住了。? 帕特恰好在這個時候走進屋，他問：?妳們在說什麽?他的母親回答說：?我們在說我們現在得搬家，因為嬰兒就要誕生了。 那沒用，?帕特絕望地說。?他會跟我們到那兒去的。?
寫給上帝的`信
A little boy needed $50 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $50. When the post office received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the president. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy a $5 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read: Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, those turkeys kept $45 in taxes.
有個小男孩非常需要50美元，他為此禱告了數周但是什麽也沒發生。後來，他決定寫封信向上帝索要這50美元。郵局接到這封信，想了想覺得還是應該交給總統比較好。總統被逗笑了，於是指示秘書寄給小男孩5美元，因為他覺得5美元對於壹個小孩來講已經是不少了。小男孩收到了錢很高興，給上帝回了壹封感謝信，信裏寫道：尊敬的上帝，非常感謝妳把錢寄給我。然而，我發現這些錢是通過白宮寄出的，因此，和往常壹樣，那幫家夥收了我45美元的稅。
救出哪幅畫?
A newspaper organized a contest for the best answer to the question: "If a fire broke out in the Louvre, and if you could only save one painting, which one would you carry out?"
The winning reply was: "The one nearest the exit."
壹份報紙組織了壹場競賽，為下面的問題征集最佳答案：?如果盧浮宮起了火，而妳只能救出壹幅畫，妳將救出哪壹幅?
獲獎的答案是：?最接近門口的那壹幅。?
遲到
My Sister's Fingers
Teacher: Kevin, why are you late this time?
Kevin: Please sir, I bruised two fingers knocking in a nail at home.
Teacher: I don't see any bandages.
Kevin: Oh, they weren't my fingers! I told my little sister to hold the nail.
我妹妹的手指頭老師：凱溫，這次妳怎麽又遲到了?凱溫：對不起，老師，我在家釘釘子，砸壞了兩個手指頭。老師：怎麽沒有紮繃帶呀?凱溫：噢，砸的不是我的手指頭，我叫小妹妹扶著釘子的。
A maintenance man in a cemetery
He is really somebody My uncle has 1000 men under him. He is really somebody. What does he do? A maintenance man in a cemetery.
他真是壹個大人物，我叔叔下面有1000個人。他真是壹個大人物。幹什麽的?墓地守墓人。
Five Hundred Times
In the traffic court of a large mid-western city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to his honor that she was a school teacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case in order that she might hasten on to her classes. A wild gleam came into the judge's eye. "You are a school teacher, eh?" said he. "Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. Sit down at that table and write 'I went through a red light' five hundred times."
在中西部壹個大城市的交通法庭裏，壹位年輕女士被帶到法官面前，她由於開車闖紅燈被開了罰單。女士向法官解釋，她是壹名學校老師，請求法官馬上處理她的案子，以便可以趕回去上課。法官眼中閃過壹絲狡黠，說道：?妳是學校的老師，對嗎?女士，我馬上要實現我畢生的願望了。在那張桌子旁坐下，寫?我開車闖了紅燈?500遍。?
Who Should be Given the Present
A father of five came home with a toy, summoned his children and asked which one of them should be given the present, ?Who is the most obedient, never talks back to mother and does everything he or she is told? he inquired. There was silence and then a chorus of voices: ?You play with it, Daddy!?
壹個有五個孩子的父親帶著壹件玩具回到家裏，把孩子們召集來問這件禮物應該給誰。?誰最聽話，從不和媽媽頂嘴，讓幹什麽就幹什麽?他問道。大家都不吭聲。過了壹會兒，孩子們異口同聲地說：?爸爸，您玩兒吧。?
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