中英幽默小故事集錦

He Won　Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.　Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?　Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.　他贏了　湯姆：約翰尼，妳小弟弟好嗎？　約翰尼：他害病臥床了。他受了傷。　湯姆：真糟糕，怎麽回事兒？　約翰尼：我們做遊戲，看誰能把身子探出窗外最遠，他贏了。　I Have His Ear in My Pocket　Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"　"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.　"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.　"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."　他的耳朵在我衣兜裏　伊凡鼻子流著血回到家裏。他媽媽問，“發生了什麽事？”　“壹個男孩咬了我壹口，”伊凡說。　“再見到他妳能認出來嗎？”媽媽問。　“他走到哪裏我都能認出他，”伊凡說。“他的耳朵還在我衣兜裏呢。”　A Good Boy　Little Robert asked his mother for o cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"　"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.　"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are o cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"　"She is the one who sells the candy."　好孩子　小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。　“昨天給妳的錢幹什麽了？”　“我給了壹個可憐的老太婆，”他回答說。 “妳真是個好孩子，”媽媽驕傲地說。“再給妳兩分錢。可妳為什麽對那位老太太那麽感興趣呢？”　“她是個賣糖果的。”　Drunk　One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing o policemen. If I regard the o policemen as four then I am drunk."　"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"　醉酒　壹天，父親與小兒子壹道回家。這個孩子正處於那種對什麽事都很感興趣的年齡，老是有提不完的問題。他向父親發問道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什麽意思？” “唔，孩子，”父親回答說，“妳瞧那兒站著兩個警察。如果我把他們看成了四個，那麽我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子說，“那兒只有壹個警察呀！”　Hospitality　The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor *** iled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.　好客　由於客人在吃蘋果餡餅時，家裏沒有奶酪了，於是女主人向大家表示歉意。這家的小男孩悄悄地離開了屋子。過了壹會兒，他拿著壹片奶酪回到房間，把奶酪放在客人的盤子裏。 客人微笑著把奶酪放進嘴裏說：“孩子，妳的眼睛就是比妳媽媽的好。妳在哪裏找到的奶酪？” “在捕鼠夾上，先生。”那小男孩說。　英語小笑話　上個星期五我穿了壹件 Adidas 的衣服去打球, 壹個老美看到就笑我說, "Do you　know what does it mean? It means All Day I Dream About Sex.我整天都在想著　性, 縮寫正好是 Adidas) " 我正驚訝他怎麽反應這麽快, 聯想力這麽豐富時,旁邊的　壹個老美幫我解圍, 他說, 有壹個很著名的合唱團 Korn, 他們的招牌歌之壹就是　A.D.I.D.A.S, (All day I dream about sex)所以呢,這個典故可是很多老美都耳熟　能詳的喔! 下次就換妳去取笑老美了.　好消息＆壞消息！　An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. "I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings."　"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?". With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."　壹名藝術家問畫廊老板,最近有沒有人對他展出的畫感興趣。“這有好消息和壞消息,”老板回答。“好消息是有壹位先生咨詢妳的作品,他想知道在妳死後妳的畫會不會升值。我告訴他妳的畫會升值,他就把妳的15幅畫全都買走了。”　“真是太好了”,藝術家是喜形於色,“那壞消息是什麽?”帶著關心的口吻,畫廊老板回答,“買畫的人是妳的醫生”。　Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking by the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.　When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately reviewed her file and called her into his office. "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom,he's dead."　Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I hung him up to dry."　Jim和Mary都是精神病院裏的病人。壹天,他們沿著醫院的遊泳池散步,Jim突然跳入泳池的深水區,他沈到了底部。Mary立刻跳下去救他,她潛到水底,把Jim拉了上來。　當院長聽聞了Mary的英勇行為後,他立刻翻看了她的病歷檔案,把她叫進了自己的辦公室,“Mary,我有壹個好消息和壹個壞消息要告訴妳。好消息是妳能跳入水中救其他病人,這說明妳的意識已經恢復了,妳可以出院了。壞消息就是,Jim,妳救的那個病人,他還是用自己的浴袍帶子在浴室上吊自殺了。”　Mary說:“他沒有自殺,是我把他吊起來好讓他晾幹。”　Iorked真的有效　Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor, the doctor gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.　"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"　"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"　Tom早上老起不來,所以上班總是遲到。他的老板非常生氣,警告他如果他不能有所改善的話就炒他的魷魚。於是,Tom去看醫生,醫生給了他壹顆藥丸並告訴他要在睡覺前服下這顆藥。Tom照醫生的話做了,睡得非常之好,事實上,他在早上鬧鐘響之前就起來了。Tom從容不迫地吃完早餐,然後興高采烈地開車上班去了。　“老板”,Tom說,“那藥真管用,我的睡眠好極了!”　“是夠管用的,”老板說,“問題是,昨天妳人哪去了”?　Lifeafterdeath死後重生　"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.　"Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied."Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you.　“妳相信人能死後重生嗎?”老板問他的壹個員工。　“我相信,先生”。這位剛上班不久的員工回答。　“哦,那還好”。老板接著說。　“妳昨天提早下班去參加妳祖母的葬禮後,她老人家到這兒看妳來了。”　Businessjuststarted開張大吉　A young busines *** an had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man e in to the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the busines *** an picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant mitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Yeah, I've e to activate your phone lines."　壹個年輕人的公司剛剛開張。他租用了漂亮的辦公室,辦公室內還放上了古董作裝飾。這天,這位年輕人正在辦公室裏面坐著,他看到壹個男的走進了辦公室。為顯示他是個成功的老板,這位年輕的生意人拿起電話假裝正在談大買賣,張觜就是三、五個億,閉觜就說壹切搞定、沒問題!好不容易電話“打”完,掛上聽筒,年輕人問進來的那人,“您有事嗎?”那人說,“有事,我是來給妳開通電話的”。　妳可以跟他們中任何壹個結婚　One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for a while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mom and says, "Mom... What have you been doing all your life? Dad's been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!"　Her mom replies, "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad."　壹天,壹個女孩把男孩子帶回家見父親,說要跟這個男孩結婚。她父親跟男孩談了壹會之後,對她說她不能嫁給這個男孩,因為男孩跟她其實是同父異母的兄弟。之後,女孩又認識了另外四個男孩並壹壹帶回家見父親,請求父親同意他們結婚,但結果都是壹樣,這些男孩竟然跟她都是同父異母!女孩真的是被氣壞了。她跟母親說,“媽,妳這壹輩子到底是怎麽過的?爸爸在鎮上到處胡搞,現在我都談到第五個男孩了,但現在壹個都不能嫁,因為他們最後都是跟我壹個爸爸”!　女孩說完,她母親回答說,“親愛的,不用擔心,妳可以跟他們中的任何壹個結婚,妳爸爸其實也,也不是妳的親爹”。　Blonde Tries To Repair Her Car　A blonde was driving back from the mall when there was a terrible hail storm. Huge hail stones the size of golf balls pelted her car leaving it full of dents.　She drove to the body shop and asked what she should do. The body man explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at least $4000 to repair.　She said that was too much and wasn't there some other way to fix it?　The body man decided to have a little fun and said "Well you could blow into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop back out!"　She decided to give it a try before spending that much money. So she drove home and was in the garage with her lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when her blonde neighbor came over to visit.　"What are you doing!" she shrieked thinking the worst and thankful that she may have just prevented her friend from mitting suicide.　"I'm blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these dents out of my car" explained the first blonde.　"Well silly, it's not going to work" replied her neighbor.　"Why not"? asked the first blonde.　"Because you've got to roll up the windows first"　調查員:What is your father's name？ 妳父親叫什麽名字？ 小弟:Happy！！ 高興！ 調查員:What is your mother's name？ 妳母親叫什麽名字？ 小弟:Smile！ 微笑！ 調查員:Are you joking？ 妳在開玩笑嗎？ 小弟:No！！That's my sister！！ I am Kidding！！ 沒有，那是我姐姐的名字，我是哄騙　A Woman Who Fell It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City's Grand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate, a plump, middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the *** ooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes. Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining her posure, she winked at me and said, "Do you always have beautiful women failing at your feet?" 摔倒的女人 上下班高峰期，我匆匆奔向紐約豪華中心站去趕壹趟火車。接近門口，壹位肥胖的中年婦女從後面沖過來，沒想到在平滑的大理石地面上失了腳，仰面滑倒了。她的慣性使她接近了我的腳。我正準備扶她，她卻自己爬了起來。她鎮定了壹下，對我擠了壹下眉，說道：“總是有漂亮女人拜倒在妳腳下嗎？”