Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.
The Indian man said to the American, 'You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven'teven met once.' We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a
woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems.'
The American said, Talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story.
I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. 'After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and married her, so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.
Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.
More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle.
Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son i.e. my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.. And you say you have family problems..
Count to one Hundred Before You Speak
In class,the teacher,with his back leaning against the stove,said to the students,"Before you speak,you should think and count to at least 50,and for important matters to 100."
No sooner had the teacher stopped talking than the students began to count.
at last all the students shouted together,"1...98,99,100.teacher,your clothes are on fire."
數到壹百再說
課堂上，老師背靠火爐站著，對學生們說：“說話前要三思，起碼數到50，重要的事情要數到壹百。”
老師的話音剛落，學生立刻從“1”開始數起來。最後壹起喊：“98，99，100！老師，您的衣服著火了。”
2.The Advantage of Alcohol
In order to prove the harmful effect of alcohol,the teacher put a bug into a glass filled with alcohol,soon the bug died. The teacher asked a student,"what does this show?"
The student answered,"It shows that people won't get parasites if they drink more alcohol."
酒的好處
為了證明酒精對生物的危害，老師把壹只蟲子放入裝有酒精的杯子裏，蟲子很快就死了。老師問壹個學生：“這說明了什麽？”
學生答道：“說明人多喝酒，就不會長蟲子。”
3.Exchange the Tortoise for the Wolf
Teacher:Some students are becoming arrogant.Do you remember the story about race between the hare and the tortoise?Now,Xiaoming,will you please tell us why the hare was defeated by the tortoise?
Xiaoming:Because the hare fell asleep.
Teacher:Absolutely right!What should we do so that the hare won't fall asleep?
Xiaoming:Exchange the tortoise for the wolf.
把烏龜換成狼
老師：有些同學開始驕傲了，大家還記得龜兔賽跑的故事嗎。小明，妳說說看，兔子為什麽輸給烏龜？
小明：因為它睡覺了。
老師：對極了！我們應該怎麽做才能讓兔子不睡覺呢？
小明：把烏龜換成狼！
搞笑電腦問題大全：能幫我重啟網絡嗎？
Computer help desks are used to fielding oddball requests but sometimes the questions leave even the best of them stumped.
Such as: "Why isn't my wireless mouse connected to the computer?"
Or: "Can you reset the Internet for me?"
Then there was the questioner who asked: "Where can I get software to track UFOs?"
Robert Half Technology, a provider of information technology professionals based in Menlo Park, California, asked 1,400 chief information officers from companies across the United States to come up with the most baffling questions their help desks or technical support teams had ever received. Among the more unusual were:
-- "My computer is telling me to press any key to continue. Where is the 'any' key?"
-- "Can you rearrange the keyboard alphabetically?"
-- "My daughter is locked in the bathroom, can you pick the lock?"
-- "Can you tell me the weather forecast for next year?"
-- "Can you install cable TV on my PC?"
Then there was the computer user who confused the CD-ROM drive with a drink holder and asked: "How do I get my computer's coffee-cup holder to come out again?"
Katherine Spencer Lee, executive director of Robert Half Technology, said such queries were a test of the skills of the help and technical support desks.
"These unusual requests highlight the need for technical support personnel to also demonstrate patience, empathy and a sense of humor," she said.
幫用戶解決電腦問題是電腦技術支持的主要職責，但有時用戶提的問題甚至把IT精英們都給難倒了。
比如：“為什麽我的無線鼠標沒連在電腦上？”
再如：“能幫我重啟壹下網絡嗎？”
還有人會問：“在哪能下載追蹤UFO的軟件？”
總部位於加州門羅園的“羅伯特1/2”IT咨詢公司日前對美國各地的1400位公司IT主管進行了壹項調查，讓他們列出公司的技術咨詢或支持部門所遇到的“最難回答”的問題。其中包括：
“電腦提示：請按任意鍵繼續。這個任意鍵在哪？”
“妳能將鍵盤按字母順序重排嗎？”
“我女兒被鎖在浴室了，妳能開鎖嗎？”
“能不能幫我查查明年的天氣預報？”
“能幫我在電腦上安裝有線電視嗎？”
還有壹位用戶將光盤驅動器（CD-ROM）與壹種杯架混淆了，問曰：“怎麽把電腦上的咖啡杯架弄出來？”
“羅伯特1/2”IT咨詢公司的執行官凱瑟琳?6?1斯賓塞?6?1李說，這些問題對於技術人員來說的確是個考驗。
她說：“技術人員在解答這些問題時，壹定要有耐心，要理解用戶，還要有些幽默感。”
Fresh Richer
A fresh richer is purchasing coffin in the store for the death．A person asks him：“Which one is better？”He says：“Of course the zinc1)－filled is more durable2)，but the wooden is helpful to the health．”
新 貴
壹個新貴在墓葬品商店選購他死時要用的棺材，有人問他：“最好買哪壹種？”他說：“鍍鋅的棺材當然比較耐用，但木制棺材有益於健康。”
NOTE 註釋：
1. zinc n. 鋅 vt. 塗鋅於.
2. durable adj. 持久的, 耐用的
The reds or the greens？
Two apples up in a tree were looking down on the world．The first apple said，“Look at all those people fighting，robbing，rioting －－no one seems willing to get along with his fellow man．Some day we apples will be the only ones left．Then we'll rule the world．”Replied the second apple，“Which of us －－the reds or the greens？”
紅的還是綠的？
樹上的兩只蘋果俯瞰著世界。第壹只蘋果說：“瞧瞧這些人吧，爭鬥、搶劫、騷亂——似乎就沒有人願意與別的人好好相處。總有壹天，我們蘋果就會成為世上惟壹的幸存者。到那時我們就將統治世界。”第二只蘋果回答說：“我們中的哪些呢——紅的還是綠的？”
本文無註釋
You don’t have to pay for lightning
Teacher：Who can tell me the difference between lightning and electricity？
Student：You don’ t have to pay for lightning.
閃電不用付錢
老師：誰能告訴我閃電與電的區別？
學生：閃電不用付錢。
本文無註釋
H o n e s t y
A man who is driving a car stopped by a police officer．The following exchange takes place．．．
Man：What's the problem，officer？
Officer：You were going at least 75in a 55zone．
Man：No，sir，I was going 65．
Wife：Oh，Harry．You were going 80．（Man gives his wife a dirty look．）
Officer：I' m also going to give you a ticket for your broken taillight．
Man：Broken taillight？I didn't know about a broken taillight。
Wife：Oh Harry，you've known about that tail for weeks．（Man gives his wife another dirty look．）
Officer：I' m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt．
Man：Oh，I just took it off when you were walking up to the car．
Wife：Oh，Harry，you never wear your seat belt．
Man：Shut your dang mouth。
Officer：（Turns to the woman）：Ma ' am，does your husband talk to you this way all the time？
Wife：No，only when he's drunk．
誠 實
警官讓壹位駕車的男士停下車。隨後出現如下的對話：
男士：警官，有什麽問題？
警官：妳在限速55英裏的地段開到至少75英裏。
男士：不，長官，是65英裏。
妻子：啊，哈裏，妳剛才開到80英裏。（男士瞪了妻子壹眼。）
警官：我還要給妳張罰單，妳的尾燈碎了。
男士：尾燈碎了？妳不說，我還真不知道尾燈碎了。
妻子：哦，哈裏，幾個星期以前妳就知道了。（男士又惡狠狠地瞪了她壹眼。）
警官：我還要給妳張傳票，妳沒系安全帶。
男士：噢，妳朝我車走過來的時候我才解開的。
妻子：啊，哈裏，妳從來都不系安全帶。
男士：閉上妳的臭嘴。
警官：（轉向女士）夫人，妳丈夫總是這樣跟妳說話嗎？
妻子：不，只有當他醉了的時候。
本文無註釋
He must have a computer
A mother was teaching her 5-year-old son about God. “Do you know, ”she said to him one day, “that God knows where everybody is all the time, and exactly what they are doing. ”The little boy looked at his mother wide-eyed and said, “Wow. He must have a computer.”
他壹定有臺電腦
壹位母親給她5歲的兒子講上帝。“妳知道嗎, ”有壹天她對他說, “無論壹個人在哪裏, 在幹什麽事情, 上帝都知道。”小男孩睜大了眼睛看著他媽媽說, “哇。那他壹定有壹臺電腦。”
本文無註釋
Nice Try
My wife and I were stopped by a state policeman. He started to write up a speeding ticket. My wife, who’s a hair stylist, said, “If you let us off with a warning, I’ll give you a free haircut for a year. ”
The policeman removed his hat--and he was completely bald.
□by Peter Orphanos
嘗 試
我和妻子被警察攔住了，他給我們開壹個超速的罰款單。我的妻子是壹個發型設計師，於是她就對警察說，“如果妳讓我們免於警告，我就為妳免費理發壹年。”
警察脫下他的帽子——他是壹個光頭。
本文無註釋
Who is Disgusting
First：“My neighbor is very disgusting，who moved here recently，he rang the bell of my house with a rush late at night．”
Second：“It is disgusting in faith，do you call the police？”
First：“No．I just take him as a madman，and continue to play my piano．”
誰可惡
甲：“我家新搬來的鄰居好可惡，竟然深更半夜跑來猛按我家的門鈴。”
乙：“的確可惡。妳有沒有報警？”
甲：“沒有。我當他是瘋子，繼續彈我的琴。”
本文無註釋
Where the Declaration of Independence was signed?
Teacher：“Who knows where the Declaration of In dependence was signed？”
Student：“I know，I know．At the bottom of the page．”
《獨立宣言》是在哪兒簽字的？
老師：“誰知道《獨立宣言》在哪兒簽字的？”
學生：“我知道，我知道。是在那頁紙的底部。”
本文無註釋
Driving car
Father：“Uh，oh，I think I just made an illegal right－hand turn．”
Susie：“That' s okay，Dad，the policeman behind you just did the same thing．”
開 車
父親：“哎呀，我剛才違規右轉彎了。”
蘇茜：“沒事，爸，跟在妳後面的警察也這麽轉了。”
本文無註釋
Humor
Mother：“Susie，every time you misbehave，I get another gray hair．”
Susie：“Gosh，mom，you must have been a terror．Just look at Grandma．”
幽 默
母親：“蘇茜，每次妳表現不好，我就多長壹根白頭發。”
蘇茜：“天哪，媽，那妳肯定壹直都表現很糟。看看外婆吧。”
本文無註釋
Not Necessary To Answer
Teacher：“I have two questions，it isn't necessary to answer the second question if you know the result of the first question．How much hair do you have？”
Student ：“A hundred and twenty millions．”
Teacher：“How do you know it？”
Student：“It is not necessary to answer the second question．”
無 需 回 答
老師：“我有兩個題目，妳若能答出第壹題就不需答第二題。妳有多少根頭發？”
學生：“1．2億根。”
老師：“妳怎麽知道？”
學生：“第二題不需回答。”
本文無註釋
Now I can go home
One day after school the teacher said to his students，“Tomorrow morning，if any one of you can answer my first question．I'll permit him or her to go home earlier．” The next day，when the teacher came into the classroom，he found the blackboard daubed．He was very angry and asked，“Who did it？Please stand up! ” “It' s me，”said Bob，“Now，I can go home，Good－bye，Sir! ”
我 可 以 回 家 了
壹天，放學以後，老師對他的學生們說：“明天上午，如果妳們當中的任何壹個同學能回答我的第壹個問題，我就準許他或她最先回家。”第二天，老師走進教室時發現黑板已被亂塗，他非常生氣地問：“誰塗的？ 請站起來。”鮑勃說：“先生，是我，現在我可以回家了，再見。”
Don’t tell her
Two twins went to the kindergarten．“Who's the elder and who's the younger one？” asked a nurse．
One of them winked and said，“Elder brother，don't tell her．”
不 要 告 訴 她
兩個雙胞胎走進幼兒園。“妳們兩個誰大誰小？”保育員問。
其中的壹個眨了眨眼睛說，“哥哥，不要告訴她。”
The Things Kids Say
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm1) a mother was tucking her small boy into bed．She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor2) in his voice，“Mommy，will you sleep with me tonight ？”The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring3) hug． “I can' t，dear．” She said．“I have to sleep in Daddy's room．”Along silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice：“The big sissy4)．”
童言無忌
壹個夏季的晚上，雷雨大作，母親讓小男孩上床鉆進被窩。她正準備熄燈，孩子聲音顫抖地問：“媽咪，妳今晚可以陪我睡嗎？”母親笑著，擁抱壹下小孩安慰說，“親愛的，不可以。我得睡在爸爸的房間。”壹陣長長的沈默之後，男孩小聲地用顫音說：“大膽小鬼。”
NOTE 註釋：
1. thunderstorm n. [氣]雷暴
2. tremor n. 震動, 顫動
3. reassuring adj. 安心的, 可靠的
4. sissy n. 膽小鬼