壹天，有壹個城市裏的遊客來到壹個小鄉村，在鄉間路上開著車，想看看農莊是什麽樣子，也想看看農夫怎樣種田過日子。這位城裏人看見壹位農夫在宅後的草地上，手中抱著壹頭豬，並把它舉得高高的，好讓它能夠吃到樹上的蘋果。城裏人對農夫說，"我看妳的豬挺喜歡吃蘋果的，但是，這不是很浪費時間嗎?"那位農夫回答說，"時間對豬有什麽意義?"
It worked 真的有效！
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor. The doctor gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine." said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
Tom早上老起不來，所以上班總是遲到。他的老板非常生氣，警告他如果他不能有所改善的話就炒他的魷魚。於是，Tom去看醫生，醫生給了他壹顆藥丸並告訴他要在睡覺前服下這顆藥。Tom照醫生的話做了，睡得非常之好，事實上，他在早上鬧鐘響之前就起來了。Tom從容不迫地吃完早餐，然後興高采烈地開車上班去了。
“老板”，Tom說，“那藥真管用，我的睡眠好極了！”
“是夠管用的，”老板說，“問題是，昨天妳人哪去了”？
Want a Day Off 想請壹天假
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, " We're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff." "We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. " I can't give you the day off." "Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"
壹天，史密斯去見他的客戶部領導，“老板”，斯密斯說，“我們家明天要大搞清潔，我老婆需要我回去幫忙清潔閣樓和車庫，搬搬挪挪什麽的。”“斯密斯啊，妳也知道，我們現在人手已經不夠了”老板說，“明天的假我是沒法給妳批了”。“多謝老板，” Smith說，“我就知道跟著您幹準沒錯”。
Keys to Success 成功的關鍵
One day a father was teaching his son and said, "The keys to your success are keeping your word and cleverness. Once you give somebody a promise, you must carry it out no matter what will happen. This is called 'keeping one's words.'
"What is cleverness? " asked his son.
"Cleverness is that you'll never make such a promise, " the father answered.
壹天，父親教育兒子說：“壹個人成功的關鍵就是嚴守諾言和足夠聰明。壹旦妳給了別人承諾，無論發生什麽事，妳都得實現它，這個就叫‘守諾言’。”
兒子問：“那麽什麽是聰明呢？”
父親回答：“聰明就是任何時候都別做這樣的承諾。”
Good Intentions
One day a boy came to his teacher and said: “Teacher, my father wants to know if you like roast pig.” “I certainly do, ”said the teacher, “and you tell your father he is very kind to think of me.” Days passed, and nothing more was said about the roast pig. Finally the teacher said to the boy: “I thought your father was going to send me over some roast pig.” “Yes,” said the boy, “he did intend to, but the pig got well.”
良好的心願
壹天有個男孩去對他老師說：“老師，我爸想知道妳是不是愛吃烤豬肉。” “當然。”老師說，“去告訴妳父親，多謝他想著我。” 好幾天過去了，再沒提起烤豬肉的事兒。 最後老師對男孩說：“我以為妳父親要給我送點烤豬肉來呢。” “是啊，”孩子說，“他是這麽想的，可後來豬又沒病了。”
英語笑話（壹）
老師在黑板上寫了壹句：Time is money.並讓同學們翻譯。有名學生答道：“湯姆是瑪麗。”
小明上英文課時跟老師說：May I go to the toilet?
老師說：Go ahead.
小明就坐了下來。過了壹會兒，小明又跟老師說：May I go to the toilet?
老師說：Go ahead.
小明又坐了下來。他旁邊的同學於是忍不住問：妳不是跟老師說要上廁所嗎？怎麽不去
小明說：妳沒聽老師說「去妳個頭」啊！
英語笑話（二）
某日劉洪濤遇到外賓，上前搭話曰：I am hongtao liu，外賓曰：我TM還是方片七呢！
英語笑話（三）
江青會見外賓，要求翻譯要嚴格按她的意思翻，不許走樣。外賓壹見到江青，立刻拍馬屁道："Miss Jiang, you are very beautiful." 翻譯照翻，江青心花怒放，嘴上還要謙虛壹下：“哪裏，哪裏”。
翻譯不敢怠慢，把江青的話翻成英文："Where? Where?" 外賓壹楞，還有這樣的人，追問哪裏漂亮的，幹脆馬屁拍到底："Everywhere, everywhere."
翻譯：“妳到處都很漂亮。”江青更高興了，但總是要客氣壹下：“不見得，不見得”。翻譯趕緊翻成英文："You are not allowed to see, you are not allowed to see."
英語笑話（四）
某人刻苦學習英語，終有小成。壹日上街不慎與壹老外相撞， 忙說：I am sorry.
老外應道：I am sorry too.
某人聽後又道：I am sorry three.
老外不解，問：What are you sorry for?
某人無奈，道：I am sorry five.
英語笑話（五）
壹位來自日本的旅客，坐出租車去機場的路上，看到壹輛汽車經過，就說：“oh，TOYOTA！Made in Japan! It is very fast！”又有壹輛經過，他又說： “oh，NISSAN！Made in Japan! It is very fast！”司機有點不高興，覺得他太吵了！當第三輛經過時，他還是說：“oh，HONDA！Made in Japan! It is very fast！”
後來到了機場，那個日本人就問：“How Much？”出租車司機說：“1000！”
日本人驚奇的問司機：“為什麽那麽貴？”出租車司機回答說：“oh，mileometer（計程表）！Made in Japan! It is very fast！”
英語笑話（六）
英語老師問壹個學生，“How are you是什麽意思”
學生想how是怎麽，you 是妳，於是回答“怎麽是妳？”
老師生氣又問另壹個同學：“How old are you ?是什麽意思？”
這個同學想了想說：“怎麽老是妳。”
英語笑話（七）
某男，粗通英文，至使館，有表要填，有壹欄是sex。
該男思之久已，毅然下筆：“Once a week“。
簽證官觀後暴笑，曰：“This item should be filled in with male or female.“
該男頓時赧顏，思之，填下“female“，官楞之，曰：“shouldn’t it be male?“
男急釋曰：“I am a normal man, so I have sex with female.”