焦母Johnny’smother(JMforshort)劉母Lunch’smother(LMforshort)
太守之子Mayor’sson(MSforshort)強盜Burglars(ABandC)
Prologue
(J作被打狀跑上臺,內砸出壹卷紙筒,J被打中,狼狽不堪)
J:EverybodysaysthatI’mhenpecked,butinfact,I’masstrongasatiger,(小聲)whilemy
wifeisWuSong.
(指著上臺處的門大聲道)I’mnotafraidofyou!
(內砸出壹臉盆,J接住當成盾牌護著頭)Then,I’mafraidofwhom?
MywifeLunchisthemostfamouswomanintheneighbor-hood.Sheisbraverthanme,
smarterthanmeandstrongerthanme.AllthisIdonotcare.Ionlywanthertobetender
thanme.Butsheisnot!Havingawifelikethisisjustlikelivinginthehell!
(內又砸出壹卷紙筒,擊中J)
MyGod!Whocanhelpme?(下)
Act1
(序幕結束時,JM作竊聽狀)
JM(拄拐棍上):Ican!
(對門內)Lunch!Lunch!Whereareyou?
L(紮著圍裙,拿著鍋鏟,從門內跳出來):I’mhere!What’supmum?
JM:I’vetoldyouagainandagainthatyoushouldcallme“mymostbeautifulgracefuland
dearestmother-in-law”.
L:OK.Mymostbeautifulgracefulanddearestmother-in-law,what’sup?
JM:Sinceyoumarriedmysonyouhavebehavedsobadly.Youhavebeensorude,sobrusque,so
lazy……
L:But……
JM:Neverinterruptme!
L:Neverinterruptme!SinceImarriedyourson,thatterribleJohnny,Ihavebeenworkinghardall
daylong,cookingandwashing.Ihaveraisedtensofthousandsofpigsandducksandchicken
and……
JM:Butallthoseyouhavedonearenotasvaluableasagrandson!
L(生氣地揮動著鍋鏟):Oh,youwantagrandson,don’tyou?(開始解圍裙)Goandaskyour
son.I’mleaving!(扯下圍裙,扔在JM的臉上,下)
Act2
(LM坐在臺上打毛線,L拿著鍋鏟上)
L:Mum,I’mback!
LM:Youareback?Why?Whathappened?
L:Iwaskickedoutbymymostbeautifulgracefulanddearestmother–in-law.
LM(驚訝,但隨即露出幸災樂禍的神情):See!Ihavealreadytoldyou!Whenyouinsistedon
marryingthatterribleJohnny,Itoldyouthatheisuglystupidandpoor,butyoudidnotlisten
tome.Lookatyourself……
L:But,mum……
LM:Neverinterruptme!
L:Mum,I’mnotinterruptingyou.IjustwanttotellyouthatyouarealwaysrightOK?And
I’llmarrywhomeveryouwantmeto.
LM(大喜):Nicegirl!Justnow,Imetthemayor’ssoninthemarket.Hesaid:“Ifyoudaughter
Haven’tbeenmarried,Ireallyreallywanttomarryher!”Nowyouarefreeagain,I’llgo
andtellhim.(下)
L(驚愕):What?Themayor’sson?Themostfamousplayboyintheneighbor-hood?(手中的鍋
鏟掉在地上)WhatasillythingIhavedone!(下)
Act3
(J睡眼惺忪上)
J(邊走邊道):Lunch!Lunch!Wherearemysocks?
(走了幾步,在地上撿起襪子)Heretheyare!(聞壹下) Er!Howsmelly!Theyarestilldirty!
(突然想起)Lunchhasgone!Ihavetowashthemmyself.
(他的肚子似乎咕咕叫了起來)Oh,I’msohungry!Butthere’snobreakfast!(撿起地上的圍
裙)ThisiswhatLunchalwayswears!Imisshersomuch,andherexcellentcookingskill!Now
shehasgone.Ihavetocookformymotherandmyself.
JM(上):Where’smybreakfast?Where’sLunch?Hasn’tshegotupyet?
J:Mum,can’tyouremember?Lunchhasgone!
JM(沈吟片刻):Well,totellyouthetruthJohnny,asonwithoutawifeisuseless.Lunchisanice
girl,goandtakeherback!
J(立正敬禮):Yesmadam!
Act4
(J開心地走著，忽然跳出來三個強盜)
A:Heyyou!Stopandlistentous!
Theroadisbuiltbyme!(擡腳重重地踩在壹塊大石頭上)
B:AndIplantedonetree!(亦擡腳踩在同壹塊石頭上)
C:Ifyouwanttogobythisstreet---(欲踩石頭，但踩到了A的腳)
AB&C:Giveusallyourmoney!
J(搜遍了每壹個口袋，掏出1角硬幣):Is1maoenough?
(三強盜暈倒狀，接著三人聚在壹邊商量)
A:Whatbadluck!Thisguyisbroken!
B:Ifwecannotrobanymoneytoday,wewillhavenothingtoeattonight!
C:Iheardthatthemayor’ssonisgoingtomarryMissLiuLanzhinextmonth.WEcangoand
robthewedding!
A&B:Goodidea!
J(驚訝):What?What?Lunchisgoingtogetmarried?It’simpossible!
AB&C:Why?Aprettygirlandarichman,whatagoodcouple!
J:ButLunchismywife!Wehaven’tgotdivorcedyet!
(突然有了主意)I’vegotanidea!Youaregoingtorobthewedding,don’tyou?I’llgo
withyou.YoutakethemoneyandItakethebride.
B:Haveyougotanyexperience?
J:No.ButI’vegotthis!(J脫下鞋子從裏面摸出壹張支票，上書＄1，000，000)
Act5
(轉眼已到了婚禮之期．MS意氣風發用紅綢牽著新娘上，J蓋著紅蓋頭極不情願地被拉上臺)
(J和三強盜躍至臺中)
ABC&J:Heyyou!Stopandlistentous!
A:Theroadisbuiltbyme!
B:AndIplantedonetree.
C:Ifyouwanttogobythisstreet---
J:Giveusallyourmoney!
(L聽到J的聲音，掀起了蓋頭)
L(驚喜萬分):Johnny!(不顧壹切地飛奔到J的身邊並躲到了的身後)
(MS大怒，揮拳向J打來．J矮身壹躲，MS打中了J身後的L，L暈倒)
J(火冒三丈):Howdareyoubeatmywife!（揮拳向MS沖去）
(J與MS混戰，JM上，以拐杖擊暈MS)
(J將MS胸前的新郎標誌扯下戴在自己胸前)
J(扶起L，關切地問):Honey,howareyou?
L(哭狀):Ihurtalot!
J:Don’tcrybaby.I’llgoandfetchthemedicine. (下)
L(起身去追):Waitforme! (跑下)
(音樂起 CanYouCelebrate)
下面這個也不錯，是幽默話劇
荊珂刺秦王搞笑英語話劇劇本
旁白(Aside )/介紹（Introduction）： Long ago there was a crazy country, in this crazy country there were some crazy people, trying to show the crazy history by crazy ways. Mr Jingke was the most famous swordsman and was sent to kill king of Qing, “Yingzheng”. But finally he failed. Do you want to know what happened at that time? Okay, next show will tell you the truth.
Action I
太子丹（上，掏出鏡子梳頭，做自戀狀）：Mirror, mirror, tell me, who is the most pretty man in the world? (畫外音：It’s you, Prince Dan! 太子丹高興狀) Thank u mirror! （面對觀眾） I’m Prince Dan, the magic mirror said I am the most attractive man in the world. But Ying Zheng is a jealous guy, I feel he will kill me if mirror told him the truth. I am so scared. So what can I do? (向幕裏大叫) Where is my minister?
阿三(畢恭畢敬) : Honey, I am coming.
太子丹：I’ve told you again and again that you should call me “my most beautiful、graceful 、handsome、charming、cute、smart and dearest Prince Dan”!
阿三：Sure, honey! I have a good idea. We can find a hero to kill YingZheng~~~（作殺狀）
太子：Oh yeah~~~. What is the most expensive commodity in this century? Talent!（二十壹世紀最需要的是什麽，人才！這句話要跟觀眾交流，最好由觀眾來回答，然後拍阿三肩膀，做贊許狀） Good idea! But who is the right candidate?
阿三：After screening I have two promising persons on hand. One is Miss LiMoChou, the other is Mr JinKe. Tomorrow they will PK for the NO1 killer of the world.
太子：Well, show me the winner as soon as possible, OK?
阿三：Yes.
Action II
（《十面埋伏》中劉德華&金成武決鬥時的音樂）
荊軻
Are you Li mochou?
李莫愁
Yes.
荊軻
OK. I’m Jingke, you know, I will let you know I am the king of the killers’ world.
李莫愁
Are you challenging me?
荊軻
Off course! 聳聳肩表示同意
李莫愁
Come on!
音樂起
兩人沖上前來
“人在江湖漂啊，哪有不挨刀啊，壹刀砍死妳啊，兩刀砍死妳啊。。。。”
李莫愁倒地
荊軻大笑
李莫愁痛苦狀：What happened? Why aren’t you hurt?
荊軻: We don't need any reason to win a person. Don't we? Do we? （贏壹個人需要理由麽，不需要麽，需要麽？）
李莫愁：Momma always said: "Life is like a box of chocolates, Mochou. You never know what you're gonna get." I got it, Momma is right.
荊軻再次大笑
太子丹上（抱拳）：How are you?
荊柯：Fine, thank you, and you?
太子丹：Oh my God! Could you give me an innovative answer to “How are you”?
荊柯：Sure!
太子丹：How are you?
荊柯：Fine, thank you, and your wife?
太子丹暈倒
荊柯：Hey, man, I’m kidding!
太子丹：Oh, I’m kidding too!（畢恭畢敬）May I have your name card, please?
荊軻從兜裏掏出壹卷紙，上面寫著：
To be or not to be, that's a question.
阿三：Hero，we need your help.
荊柯：I am busy now!
太子丹：You can get a lot of money.
荊柯：I am very busy now!
阿三：IC, ID, IQ card?
荊柯：I am very very busy now!
阿三(手指上場的美女，激動狀): Look! She is the most beautiful girl in the world. If you say O.K., she is yours.
荊柯（流口水）：I have to say she is a very sexy and beautiful girl, but TCM is my only love!
阿三：What? What’s the TCM?
荊柯; Hey, guy! You look so smart but why you didn’t know TCM? Any of them can give you the answer.
阿三：Excuse me? What’s the TCM?
觀眾甲：TCM - Traditional Chinese MM .
太子丹：I must show you the trump card. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Lipton Slimming tea. It is a brand new product of Unilever China.
荊柯（激動）：Slimming tea! I have dreamed of it for thousands of times. My wife always threatens to leave me if I couldn’t reduce my weight.
阿三：You want? Speak up if you want! Why do you keep silent? Why are you looking at me? Although your eyes are full of sincerity, I’m very glad, you still have to speak up. Take it! Do you really like? Really?妳不是真的想要吧？難道妳真的想要嗎……
（《No matter》音樂起，荊軻先與阿三跳探戈，擁入懷中，又甩出去，阿三做嘔吐狀。然後荊軻與太子丹跳倫巴，最後太子丹擺壹個女性化的造型，向後彎腰並擡其中壹條腿，荊軻做調戲狀。）
荊柯(誠懇狀) Just tell me what should I do? I will do anything for you.
太子丹與阿三（撞胯，擊掌）Yeah!
Action Ш
（《大話西遊》主題曲響起）
荊珂挽著妻子，太子丹,阿三在後.
阿三：Hero, we have already reached Yishui River.
荊珂：Just stop here, please. Farewell, my friends
太子丹：I will miss you, baby.
（太子丹，阿三下。停頓。《泰坦尼克號》主題曲起，荊軻與妻子做Jack和rose在船頭的經典造型，忽然荊軻看到壹個美女——此時壹個中國古典美女經過，向荊軻拋媚眼，並拋下定情手絹。荊軻高興的盯著美女看，妻子發覺不對，扭過頭來。）
荊珂（急忙收斂）：Darling, I love you.
妻子：I love you! You mean more to me than anything in this whole world!（《肖申克的救贖》）
荊珂(流淚) ：I love you more. In spite of you and me and the whole silly world going to pieces around us, I love you. (哪怕是世界末日我都會愛著妳，選自《飄》)
妻子：Well. Be a man, just do it! I will be right here waiting for you.
荊珂（欲走還留，執子之手又曰）：Sweetheart! You must do me this honor... promise me you will survive... that you will never give up... no matter what happens... no matter how hopeless... promise me now, and never let go of that promise（泰坦尼克號沈船時，Jack對Rose的傾訴）.
妻子:"I promise."
荊軻:"Never let go. “
妻子:"I promise. I will never let go, Jack. I'll never let go."
（荊軻的發音和jack很像，所以加了壹些《泰坦尼克號》的臺詞。）
妻子努力擠出幾滴眼淚，
荊珂上船，漸漸遠去
妻子：It’s a good day to die. Never come back. Never…… Never……
妻子(掏出手機撥號，阿三接手機)： Thank you very much. As soon as I get the life assurance $1000, 000, I will transfer half of it, $500,000 to your account.
阿三：Okay okay!
旁白：Then Jingke was sent to Qin and finally killed by Yingzheng.