這是我查到的
1、How much English can you speak?
"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knew his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."
The judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"
The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"
中文翻譯
"法官先生，我的當事人被指控偷竊，這是多麽不公正啊。他壹周前才來到紐約，幾乎不認路。而且，他只會說幾個英語單詞。"
法官看了看被告，問道："妳會說多少英文？"
被告擡起頭，說："把妳的錢包給我！"
2
A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on average only 15000 words a day, whereas women use 30000 words a day. She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
He said, "What?"
丈夫給妻子看了壹項調查結果，為了向她證明女人比男人啰嗦。研究表明男人平均每天使用15000個字，而女人每天使用30000個。
妻子想了壹會兒說，女人每天說的字數是男人的兩倍，因為她們必須重復已經說過的話。
他問："什麽？"
3
Boy: Is this seat empty?
Girl: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
男孩：這個座位是空的麽？
女孩：是的，如果妳坐下，我的座位也將是空的。
4、
"Tom, what's the matter with your brother?" asked the mother in the kitchen. "He's crying."
"Oh, nothing, Mum," replied Tom. "I'm eating my cake. He is crying because I won't give him any."
"But has he finished his own cake?"
"Yes." said Tom. "And he also cried when I was helping him finish that."
"湯姆，妳弟弟怎麽了？" 媽媽在廚房裏問。"他在哭。"
"沒事兒，媽媽，" 湯姆答道。"我在吃我的蛋糕。他哭是因為我不給他吃。"
"他已經吃完自己的了麽？"
"是的。" "我幫他吃完時，他也哭了。"
2009-6-7
A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."
The friends says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"
The first guys says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"
路人甲對路人乙說，"猜猜我兜裏有幾個子兒？"
路人乙說："我猜對了，妳能給我壹個不？"
路人甲說："妳要猜對了，我兩個全部給妳！"
2009-6-6研究生和本科生的區別
"I can always tell a graduate class from an undergraduate class," said an instructor at a university graduate engineering course. "When I say 'Good afternoon,' the undergraduates respond 'Good afternoon.' But the graduate students just write it down."
壹個教師在研究生工程學課堂上說："我壹眼就能看出來哪些是本科生，哪些是研究生。" "我說'下午好'的時候，本科生回答'下午好'，而研究生則把這句話記在本子上。"
2009-6-5
Dad: Tom, please tell me, which month has 28 days?
Tom: Every month.
爸爸：告訴我湯姆，哪個月有28天呢？
湯姆：每個月都有啊！
2009-6-4making faces
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child I was told if I made ugly faces, my face would freeze and stay like that". Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
史密斯小姐發現她的壹名學生在操場上向別人做鬼臉，便去輕責他。
這位主日學校的老師甜甜地微笑著，說："博比，我小的時候，有人告訴我如果我做鬼臉，我的臉就會僵硬，永遠都那麽醜。"
博比擡頭看了看老師，說："史密斯小姐，妳可別說沒人警告過妳啊。"
2009-6-3
A guy goes to visit his grandma and he brings his friend with him.
While he's talking to his grandma, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off.
As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandma, "Thanks for the peanuts."
She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off."
壹名男子帶著朋友去探望他的祖母。
當他和祖母聊天時，他的朋友開始吃咖啡桌上放的花生，並把花生都給吃光了。
他們離開時，他的朋友對祖母說:"謝謝您的花生。"
結果祖母說:"唉！自從我牙齒掉光後，我就只能吮掉花生豆外層的巧克力了。"
2009-6-2
A father was trying to teach his son the evils of alcohol.
He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died.
"All right, son," asked the father, "What does that show you?"
"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."
壹位父親打算讓自己的兒子知道酒精有多麽可怕。
他把分別把兩只蟲子放到壹杯清水和壹杯威士忌裏做對比。清水裏蟲子安然無恙，結果威士忌裏的蟲子蜷縮了幾下就掛掉了。
"所以，兒子啊，"父親問道，"得出什麽結論？"
"恩，這說明，妳只要喝酒的話，肚裏就不會長蟲了！"
2009-6-1
Looking very unhappy, a poor man entered a doctor's consulting-room.
"Doctor," he said, "you must help me. I swallowed a penny about a month ago."
"Good heavens, man!" said the doctor. "Why have you waited so long? Why don't you come to me on the day you swallowed it?"
"To tell you the truth, Doctor," the poor man replied, "I didn't need the money so badly then."
中文翻譯：
壹個看起來很難受的窮人走進大夫的診室。
"大夫！"他說，"幫幫我！壹個月前我吞了壹分硬幣！"
"天哪，"大夫說，"早幹嘛去了？妳當時怎麽不來看？"
"實話告訴您吧，大夫，"窮人說，"我當時還不缺錢！"
2009-5-31
Boy: Hi, didn't we go on dates before? Onec or twice?
Girl: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
男孩：嗨，我們之前是不是約會過，是壹次還是兩次，我忘記了。
女孩：應該只有壹次吧，我從不犯兩次同樣的錯誤。
2009-5-30
In an entrance examination of a conservatory of music, a teacher asked one of the boys, "What is the most important physiological quality of a musician?"
"To be deaf," replied the boy.
"Nonsense!" said the teacher angrily.
"Why, sir! Don't you know that the famous musician Beethoven was deaf?" the boy asked in reply disdainfully.
在壹次音樂學院的入學考試中，老師問其中壹個男孩："音樂家最重要的生理素質是什麽？"
"耳聾，"男孩答道。
"胡說！"老師氣憤地說。
"怎麽了，先生！難道您不知道大名鼎鼎的音樂家貝多芬是個聾子嗎？"男孩輕蔑地反問道。
2009-5-28
A man sat at a bar, had the saddest hangdog expression.
Bartender: "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?"
The man: "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."
Bartender: "That should make you happy."
The man: "No, the month is up today!"
壹個男人坐在酒吧裏，傷心至極。
酒吧招待："妳怎麽了？跟老婆鬧矛盾了？"
男人："我們吵了壹架，她說壹個月都不跟我說話。"
酒吧招待："那妳應該高興才是啊！"
男人："不，今天是這個月的最後壹天。"
Laughter2009-5-27
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
女人找了老公之前都在擔憂未來。男人娶了老婆之前從來不為未來擔憂。
2009-5-26
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
男人想要的東西，要是值1塊錢卻賣2塊，他也會買；而對於女人，即使是不想要的東西，要是值2塊錢卻只賣1塊，她也會買。
2009-5-25
The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students and vice versa. "Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the 2nd time will be fined $60. Being caught a 3rd time will incur a fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this moment, a male student in the crowd inquires, "Umm...How much for a season pass?"
女生宿舍將全面禁止男生進入，男生宿舍也同樣不得女生光臨。
"不論是誰，壹旦違規，初犯將被罰款20美元。再犯要被罰款60美元。第3次被抓需要交180美元的罰款。還有什麽疑問麽？"
這時人群中壹個男同學問道，"那麽壹個季度通行證需要多少錢？"
2009-5-24
Boy: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: Actually I'd rather have the money.
男孩：我可以給妳買杯飲料嗎？
女孩：妳不如直接把錢給我得了。
2009-5-22
Doctor: Your cough sounds much better today.
Patient: It should. I've been practicing all night.
醫生：聽上去妳咳嗽今天好多了。
病人：應該如此。我昨晚練習了壹整夜。
2009-5-21
Pete: "The last time I was out hunting, I stepped off a high cliff, and would you believe it, while I was falling every fool deed I'd ever done came into my mind."
Bob: "Must have been a pretty high mountain you fell from."
皮特："我上次出去打獵，跌下了很高的懸崖，信不信由妳，當我跌落的時候，我腦海裏浮現了我做過的所有蠢事。"
鮑勃："妳壹定是從萬丈高山上跌落的吧。"
2009-5-19
Spending the night with their grandparents, 2 young boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers at bedtime. The younger boy began praying at the top of his lungs:"I PRAY FOR A BIKE... I PRAY FOR A NEW DVD..."
His older brother nudged him and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"
2個男孩與祖父母壹起過夜，他們跪在床邊做睡前禱告。弟弟聲嘶力竭地祈禱: "我祈求壹輛自行車，壹張新DVD……"
哥哥用肘輕推他: "妳為什麽大喊著祈禱？上帝又不聾。"
弟弟答道:"上帝是不聾，但是奶奶聾。"
2009-5-18
A cop spotted a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Coming up beside her, he said, "Pull over!"
"No," she replied, "a pair of socks!"
巡警發現壹名婦女邊開車邊織毛衣，便開車上前，說："靠邊停車(套頭衫)！"
"不，" 她回答，"是壹雙襪子！"