When they pulled the absent-minded professor， half drowned, from the lake, he sputtered, “How absent-minded I am! I have just remembered that I can swim.”
健忘的教授
當人們把健忘的、淹得半死的教授從湖裏拉上來時，他氣急敗壞地說道：“我真健忘，我剛剛才想起我會遊泳！”
2、Father's Motto
teacher: My Children, remember this motto. “Give others more and leave for yourself less.”
Jack: It' just my father's motto!
Teacher: How noble your father's quality is! What's his occupation?
Jack: He is a boxer.
父親的格言
老師：孩子們，記住這句格言：“多給予，少接受。”
傑克：那正是我父親的格言！
老師：妳父親真是個品質高尚的人啊！他是幹什麽工作的？
傑克：它是個拳擊手。
3、He Was Caught
“Polorius was kicked out of school for cheating.”
“how come?”
“He was caught, counting his ribs in a hygiene exam.”
他被抓住了
“波羅涅斯由於作弊被開除了”
“什麽原因啊”
“在生理衛生考試中,他數自己的肋骨,結果被發現了.”
1,Two birls
Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?
Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.
Teacher: Please tell us.
Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.
兩
只鳥
老師： 這兒有兩只鳥，壹只是麻雀。誰能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀嗎？
學生：我指不出，但我知道答案。
老師：請說說看。
學生：燕子旁邊的就是麻雀，麻雀旁邊的就是燕子。
2. The Fish Net
"Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?"
"A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl.
魚網
"妳能告訴我魚網是什麽做的嗎，安？" 老師發問道。
"把許多小孔用繩子栓在壹起就成了魚網了。" 小女孩回答道。
3. The New Teacher
George comes from school on the first of September.
"George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother.
"I didn\'t like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....."
新老師
9月1日， 喬治放學回到家裏。
"喬治，妳喜歡妳們的新老師嗎？" 媽媽問。
"媽媽，我不喜歡，因為她說3加3得6, 可後來又說2加4也得6。"
4. A physics Examination
Once in a physics examination, Nick finished the first question very soon, while his classmates were thinking it hard.
The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then hear the thunderrolls?
Nick\'s answer: Because our eyes are before ears.
壹次物理考試
在壹次物理考試時，當同學們都還在苦思冥想時，尼克很快就答好了第壹個問題。
這個問題是：為什麽在打雷時，我們總是先看到閃電後聽到雷聲？
尼克的回答是：因為眼睛在前，耳朵在後。
Teacher:Why are you late for school every morning?
Tom:Every time I come to the corner,a sign says,"School-Go slow".
老師:為什麽妳每天早晨都遲到?
湯姆:每當我經過學校的拐角處,僦看見壹個牌子仩寫著"學校----慢行".
Do You Know My Work？
One night a hotel caught fire， and the people who were staying in it ran out in their night clothes．
Two men stood outside and looked at the fire．
“Before I came out，” said one，“I ran into some of the rooms and found a lot of money． People don't think of money when they're afraid． When anyone leaves paper money in a fire， the fire burns it． So I took all the bills that I could find．No one will be poorer because I took them．”
“You don't know my work，” said the other．
“What is your work？”
“I'm a policeman．
“Oh！” cried the first man． He thought quickly and said，“And do you know my work？”“No，”said the policeman．
“I'm a writer． I'm always telling stories about things that never happened．”
譯文：（自己簡單翻譯）
妳知道我是幹什麽的嗎？
壹天晚上，壹家旅館失火，住在這家旅館裏的人穿著睡 衣就跑了出來。
兩個人站在外面，看著大火。
“在我出來之前，”其中壹個說：“我跑進壹些房間，找到了壹大筆錢。人在恐懼中是不會想到錢的。如果有人把紙幣留在火裏，火就會把它燒成灰燼。所以我把我所能找到的鈔票都拿走了。沒有人會因為我拿走它們而變得更窮。”
“妳不知道我是幹什麽的。”另壹個說。
“妳是幹什麽的？”
“我是警察。”
“噢！”第壹個人喊了壹聲。他靈機壹動，說：“那妳知道我是幹什麽的？”“不知道。”警察說。
“我是個作家。我總是愛編壹些從未發生過的故事。”
Who is the laziest
Father:Well,Jack,I talked with your teacher today .And now I want to ask you a question ,Who is the laziest person inyour class ?
Jack:I don`t know ,father.
Father:Oh,think!When other boys and girls are reading and wirting ,who sits quietly and only watch how other people word?
Jack:Our teacher ,father.
A tiger caught a Deer.壹只老虎抓到壹頭鹿
The tiger plans to eat the deer, so the deer screamed: " you can't eat me"老虎打算吃了這頭鹿.鹿急忙大叫：“妳不能吃我？”
The tiger hesitated, feeling very strange, so he asked the deer: " why can't i eat you? 老虎壹楞，感到很奇怪，於是問鹿：“為什麽我不能吃妳？”
The deer said:" Because im a protected second class animal in the country, so, no matter what you can't eat me !"
鹿說：“因為我是國家二級保護動物，所以，妳無論如何也不能吃了我！”
The tiger after hearing what the deer said, laughed and said " haha, then i should really eat you !
老虎聽完笑著說：“呵呵，那麽我更應該要吃妳了
Deer asked : " why ?"
鹿說：“為什麽？”
" because im a first class protected animal in the country" Tiger proudly said
“因為我是國家壹級動物！”老虎得意地說。
Two psychiatrists were at a convention. “What was your most difficult case?” one asked the other.
“Once I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world,” replied his colleague. “He believed that a wildly rich uncle in South America was going to leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a make?believe letter to arrive from a fictitious attorney. He never went out or did anything. He just sat around and waited.”
“What was the result?”
“It was an eight?year struggle, but I finally cured him. And then that stupid letter arrived...”
兩個精神病專家在壹次會議上碰見了。其中壹個問另壹個：“妳最棘手的病例是什麽樣的?”
“我曾有過壹個病人，他生活在壹個純幻想的世界裏，”他的同行回答。“他堅信南美有個大富翁叔叔要留給他壹筆遺產。他整天等待著從壹個虛構的律師那兒收到證實信。他從不出門，無所事事，只是坐著幹等。”
“結果如何?”
“經過長達8年的努力，我終於把他給治好了。可就在那時，那封荒唐的信到了……”
The mean man's party
The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."
"Why use my elbow and foot?"
"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?吝嗇鬼請客
壹個出了名的吝嗇鬼終於決定要請壹次客了。他在向壹個朋友解釋怎麽找到他家時說：“妳上到五樓，找中間那個門，然後用妳的胳膊肘按門鈴。門開了之後，再用妳的腳把門推開。”
“為什麽要用我的肘和腳呢？”
“妳的雙手得拿禮物啊。天哪，妳總不會空著手來吧？”吝嗇鬼回答。
I think that I'm a chicken
Psychiatrist: What's your problem?
Patient: I think I'm a chicken.
Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?
Patient: Ever since I was an egg!
精神病醫師：妳哪裏不舒服？
病人：我認為我是壹只雞。
精神病醫師：這種情況從什麽時候開始的？
病人：從我還是壹只蛋的時候開始。
Who Is the Laziest?
Father: Well, Tom, I asked to your teacher today, and now I want to ask you a question. Who is the laziest person in your class?
Tom: I don't know, father.
Father: Oh, yes, you do! Think! When other boys and girls are doing and writing, who sits in the class and only watches how other people work?
Tom: Our teacher, father.
中文：
父親：哎，湯姆，今天我跟妳們老師談過，現在我想問妳個問題。妳們班上誰最懶？
湯姆：我不知道，爸爸。
父親：啊，不對，妳知道！想想看，當別的孩子們都在做作業、寫字時，誰在課堂上坐著，只是看人家做功課？
湯姆：我們老師，爸爸。
Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he said to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."
Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you."
Johnson: "But I want you to."
Wife: "But why?"
Johnson: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"
譯文：
老農約翰遜就要死了。他的家人都站在床邊。他聲音低沈地對妻子說：“我死後，我想妳嫁給農夫瓊斯。”
妻子說：“不，在妳死後，我不能嫁給任何人。”
約翰遜：“但我希望妳這麽做。”
妻子：“為什麽？”
約翰遜：“因為瓊斯曾在壹筆販馬的交易中欺騙了我。”
(Interviewing a volunteer for the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games)
Interviewer: First, would you like to explain why you are interested in this job?
Interviewee: Well, I think it’s very meaningful to participate in something as special as this; you know, to be able to welcome overseas friends and to make them feel at home, what a privilege!
Interviewer: Nice, and what will you do when an overseas guest asks for help?
Interviewee: That’s easy. I’ll just try my best to help them! If they ask for directions, I’ll make sure they know where they are on the map and then point them in the right direction. If they need suggestions for entertainment, I’ll show them around. If they are short of money, I’ll… give them money!
Interviewer: Give them money? Are you sure? Why not give me some?
Interviewee: Hehe … sorry, that’s a mistake. I meant I’ll try my best to help them.
Interviewer: You’ve got the right idea, and have a very good attitude indeed. And by the way, what will you do if you encounter some unfriendly guests that have some unreasonable requests?
Interviewee: Well, in that case, I’ll stay calm and politely explain the reason why I can’t be of more assistance. Trust me. I’ll be able to find the balance between being a good host to foreigners and maintaining the dignity, virtue and honor of our Chinese traditions.
Interviewer: I understand it’s quite a delicate balance. And I’m very happy to see that you understand this too - you are hired!
Interviewee: Really? Hoo-ray!
Interviewer: Behave yourself!
Interviewee: Oh, yes sir!(Written by Tina; Level: Middle)
歡迎您2008年光臨北京
(招聘2008年北京奧運會誌願者的壹次面試)
面試官：首先，請解釋壹下妳為什麽會對這壹工作感興趣？
應聘者：嗯，我認為能親身參與像北京奧運會這樣特殊的歷史事件是非常有意義的。妳知道，能有機會歡迎來自五湖四海的國際友人，使他們賓至如歸是件多麽榮幸的事啊！
面試官：很好！那麽當壹位外國客人向妳尋求幫助時，妳會怎麽辦？
應聘者：很簡單呀，我會盡力幫助他們！如果他們是問路，我保證讓他們清楚他們當前在地圖上的確切位置，再告訴他們應該怎麽走；如果他們需要壹些娛樂建議，我就帶他們到處走走看看；如果他們缺錢，我就……給他們錢！
面試官：給他們錢？妳確定？為什麽不先給我點呢？
應聘者：嘿嘿……對不起，我說錯了。我的意思是說我會盡最大努力幫助他們。
面試官：妳的想法很正確，態度也非常好。對了，如果遇到壹些不太友好的客人提出壹些不盡合理的要求，妳會怎麽處理？
應聘者：嗯，碰到這種情況，我會保持冷靜，禮貌地向他解釋我不能提供這類幫助的原因。請相信我，我能在既當好外國客人的稱職東道主，又能維護我們中華民族的尊嚴、美德與名譽間找到壹種平衡。
面試官：我知道這是壹種十分微妙的平衡，很高興妳已經明白了這壹點，妳被錄取了！
應聘者：真的？萬歲！
面試官：放規矩點！
應聘者：哦，是！