1
A man is talking to God.
The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."
2
Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."
3
Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
4
Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"
5
Put your feet in
The school girl was sitting with her feet streched far out into the aisle , and was busily chewing gum, when the teacher espied her. "Mary !" called the teacher sharply. "Yes,Madam?" questioned the pupil , "Take that gum out of your mouth and put your feet in!"
把腳放進去
壹個女學生坐在座位上，嘴裏起勁地嚼著口香糖，腳卻伸到課桌間的走道裏，被老師發現了。“瑪麗！”老師嚴厲地叫她。“什麽事，老師？”這女學生問。“把口香糖從嘴裏拿出來，把腳放進去。”
6
He's just Been to the Zoo
When I was waitting in line at the bank , I noticed a woman holding a small child at one of the windows. The boy was eating a roll ,which he thrust at the teller. The teller smiled and shook his head.
"No, no, dear," said the boy's mom. and then , turnning to the teller , "I beg your pardon , young man. Please forgive my son . He's just been to the zoo."
他剛去過動物園
當我在銀行裏排隊時，發現壹位婦女抱著壹個小孩站在壹個窗口。男孩正在吃壹個面包卷，並將面包卷戳向出納員，出納員笑著搖了搖頭。
“別這樣，親愛的，” 男孩的媽媽說。然後她轉向出納員說，“對不起，小夥子。請原諒我的兒子，他剛去過動物園。”
7
Play it or not
Dad : Bob, it's time to play piano . When you're finished , I'll give you one dollar for an ice cream.
Bob : But all the neighbors said they would give me five dollars if I don't play it.
彈還是不彈
爸爸：鮑勃，到彈鋼琴的時候了。當妳彈完的時候，我將給妳壹美元去買冰淇淋。
鮑勃：但是所有的鄰居說如果我不彈鋼琴的話他們會給我5美元。
8
Writing a composition
One day in class , the teacher assigned his students to write a composition <If I am a manager>
All the students began to write except a boy. The teacher went to him and asked the reason.
" I'm waiting for my secretary." was the boy's answer.
寫作文
壹天課上，老師要同學們以《如果我是壹個經理》為題目西壹篇作文。所有的同學都在動筆寫了，只有壹個男孩例外。老師走過去問他為什麽不寫。
“我在等我的秘書。”那男孩答道。
10
NASA plans on smashing two probes into the moon south polar region in hopes of revealing hidden ice。 hopefully they won't hit the weakest point and crack the moon in half 。
NASA（美國宇航局）打算在月球的南極地區打入兩個探測器，希望能夠發現壹些未被探測到的冰塊。
希望他們沒有剛好擊中月球最薄弱的地方，然後把月球打成兩半。
11
On the way to the office this morning, I rear-ended a car. Somehow I knew it was going to be a bad day. The driver got out of the other car, and he was a dwarf. He looked at his dented car and then looked up at me and said
"I am not happy"
I said, "Well, which one are you then?"
And that's how the fight started...
Joke點在於：
被追尾的車主很郁悶地說，I am not happy。
事主卻很無厘頭地反問，Which one are you then (好吧，既然妳不是happy，那麽妳是哪壹個？）