簡單易懂的幽默英語故事

原發布者:樂圖數據 壹個簡單易懂的英語笑話 篇壹：簡單英語小笑話 heisreallysomebody --myunclehas1000menunderhim. --heisreallysomebody.whatdoeshedo? --Amaintenancemaninacemetery. 他真是壹個大人物 --我叔叔下面有1000個人。 --他真是壹個大人物。幹什麽的？ --墓地守墓人。 mylittledogcan'tread mrs.brown:oh,mydear,Ihavelostmypreciouslittledog! mrs. *** ith:butyoumustputanadvertisementinthenewspapers! mrs.brown:It'snouse,mylittledogcan'tread. 我的狗不識字 布朗夫人：哦， 親愛的，我把珍愛的小狗給丟了！ 史密斯夫人：可是妳該在報紙上登廣告啊！ 布朗夫人：沒有用的，我的小狗不認識字。” bringmethewinner --waiter,thislobsterhasonlyoneclaw. --I'msorry,sir.Itmusthavebeeninafight. --well,bringmethewinnerthen. 給我那個打贏的吧 --服務員， 這個龍蝦只有壹只爪。 --對不起，先生，這只肯定打過架了。 --哦，那給我那個打贏的吧。 goodboy LittleRobertaskedhi *** otherforocents."whatdidyoudowiththemoneyIgaveyouyesterday?" "Igaveittoapooroldwoman,"heanswered. "You'reagoodboy,"saidthemotherproudly."hereareocent *** ore.buhyareyousointerestedintheoldwoman?" "sheistheonewhosellsthecandy." 好孩子 小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。 “昨天給妳的錢幹什麽　julie was saying her bedtime prayers. "please god," she said, "make naples the capital of italy. make naples the capital of italy." her mother interrupted and said. "julie, why do you want god to make naples the capital of italy?" and julie replyed, "because that's what i put in my geography exam!" --------- 朱莉葉在做睡前禱告。“上帝，求求妳，”她說，“讓那不勒斯成為意大利的首都吧。” 媽媽打斷她的話說：“朱莉葉，為什麽求上帝讓那不勒斯成為意大利的首都呢？” 朱莉葉回答道：“因為我在地理考卷上是這樣寫的。”　julie was saying her bedtime prayers. "please god," she said, "make naples the capital of italy. make naples the capital of italy." her mother interrupted and said. "julie, why do you want god to make naples the capital of italy?" and julie replyed, "because that's what i put in my geography exam!" --------- 朱莉葉在做睡前禱告。“上帝，求求妳，”她說，“讓那不勒斯成為意大利的首都吧。” 媽媽打斷她的話說：“朱莉葉，為什麽求上帝讓那不勒斯成為意大利的首都呢？” 朱莉葉回答道：“因為我在地理考卷上是這樣寫的。”　4.我高中的時候，中午在家睡醒後吃了兩個桔子，吃完手指上黃黃的，也沒洗手就直接去了學校。下午和同學們在壹起的時候，有個同學說：“妳丫怎麽這麽惡心啊，拉完屎擦手指頭上了！”我說:"不是屎，是中午吃桔子搞得”說完還唆了唆手指。 沒過兩天慘了，全學校都知道我們學校有個拉完屎用手指頭擦 *** ，等幹了不時唆唆手指頭還說有桔子味的同學 5.壹天和壹個美女好朋友走在街上. 突然有買A片的小販過來對我的好朋友說. 嘿.妹妹,妳快來看看.又來新片啦. 我的朋友大怒... 又什麽又.我認識妳嗎? 6.在酒店吃飯,我席間內急,服務員熱情地說;我們酒店沒有衛生間,妳可以去對面公廁,我們和他們有約定,到那妳就說妳是’吃飯的’! 7.某日，我的壹位女性朋友跑過來對我說：“郁悶，我血崩了。” “血崩？”我問。 “就是月經流量很大！”答。 哦，身為男性的我當然不知道什麽叫血崩了。 花開兩朵，各表壹只。 幾天後，幾年沒給我漲工資的老板突然給我漲工資了。 我坐在辦公室喜滋滋的拿著工資單，說“這感覺，就像幾個月沒來月經，今天突然來了各血崩。” 說完擡頭壹看，全辦公室的人都盯著我。。。。 8.高三的時候，化學課上，老師講有機化學高分子什麽的。忽然老師舉了個例子，在黑板上畫了個“酞鍵”，對著大家說，這是壹個“太監”，我們給他按個“甲基吧”，下面大笑。 來源 漂泊者 原文：//piaobozhe/read.php?tid=3397　Let me take it down An elephant said to a mouse ,"no doubt that you are the *** allest znd most useless thing that Ihave e ver seen ." "Pless ,say it again .Let me take it down ."the mouse said ."I will tell a flea what I know." 為我所用 壹頭大象對壹只小老鼠說：“妳無疑是我見過的最小、最沒用的東西。” “請再說壹遍，讓我把它記下來。”老鼠說。“我要講給我認識的壹只跳蚤聽。 Two birls Teacher: Here are o birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which? Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer. Teacher: Please tell us. Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow. 兩只鳥 老師： 這兒有兩只鳥，壹只是麻雀。誰能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀嗎？ 學生：我指不出，但我知道答案。 老師：請說說看。 學生：燕子旁邊的就是麻雀，麻雀旁邊的就是燕子。 The Fish Net "Can you tell me what fish is made, Ann?" "A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl. 魚網 "妳能告訴我魚網是什麽做的嗎，安？" 老師發問道。 "把許多小孔用繩子栓在壹起就成了魚網了。" 小女孩回答道。 The New Teacher Gee es from school on the first of September. "Gee, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother. "I didn\'t like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that o and four were six too....." 新老師 9月1日， 喬治放學回到家裏。 "喬治，妳喜歡妳們的新老師嗎？" 媽媽問。 "媽媽，我不喜歡，因為她說3加3得6, 可後來又說2加4也得6。" A physics Examination Once in a physics examination, Nick finished the first question very soon, while his clas *** ates were thinking it hard. The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then hear the thunderrolls? Nick\'s answer: Because our eyes are before ears. 壹次物理考試 在壹次物理考試時，當同學們都還在苦思冥想時，尼克很快就答好了第壹個問題。 這個問題是：為什麽在打雷時，我們總是先看到閃電後聽到雷聲？ 尼克的回答是：因為眼睛在前，耳朵在後。　Once upon a time ,a stupid guy went to the doctor's. "What's the matter with you",asked the doctor. "I have been broken all!",said the fool . "Broken all,what's it mean?",the doctor was surprised. Then,the fool pointed to his head and said:"Ouch!There is something wrong with my head."after that,he pointed to his back and said :"ouch,my back hurt."then,he touch his nose and said:"ouch,my nose hurt"…… The doctor thought a while and said :"you have a bad finger" 從前，有個傻瓜去看醫生。那醫生問他有什麽病。那傻瓜說他全身傷了。那醫生很疑惑。接著，那傻瓜用手指著頭說：“很痛，我的頭傷了。”接著，有指著背，鼻子，說它們都傷了。 那醫生想了壹會兒，說：“妳的手指傷了。” A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second" 壹男子進入教堂和上帝對話.他問:"主啊, 壹百萬美元對妳意味著多少?"上帝回答:"壹便士."男子又問:"那壹百萬年呢?"上帝說:"壹秒鐘."最後男子請求道:"上帝,我能得到壹便士嗎?"上帝回答:"過壹秒鐘." Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse es up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got ins." The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse es up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse es up to the third man and says "Congratulations, you got ins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"! 四個好朋友在醫院裏碰面了,他們的妻子正在生產.護士過來對第壹個男人說:"恭喜,妳得了雙胞胎."男人說:"多奇怪呀,我是明尼蘇達雙子隊的經理."過了壹會兒,護士過來對第二個男人說:"恭喜,妳得了三胞胎."男人很喜歡:"嗯,又巧了.我是3M公司的董事."最後,護士跑來對第三個男人說:"恭喜,妳得了2對雙胞胎."男人很開心地說:"真令人啼笑皆非,我為四季賓館工作."他們三個都很高興,但第四個夥伴急得像熱鍋上的螞蟻,咒罵上帝並用頭撞墻.他們問他有什麽不對勁,他回答道:"什麽不對勁?我可是在七喜公司工作呀!" 呵呵,壹個比壹個效率高. Osama Bin Laden, a Canadian, and President Bush were walking down the street when they saw a golden lamp. They rubbed it and a genie came out and said, "I will grant each one a wish that’s 3 together." The Canadian said, "I am a father and my son will be a farmer so I want the soil in Canada to be forever fertile." The genie said the magic words and the wish came true. Osama looked amazed so he wished for a wall around Afghanistan the genie said the magic words and again the wish came true. President Bush said "Genie, tell me more about this wall," the genie said,” It’s 50 feet thick and 500 feet tall so nothing can get in and nothing can get out." President Bush said,” Wow! That’s a big bridge...Fill it with water!!! 拉登,壹加拿大人還有布什總統走在大街上看到壹盞金色的燈.他們擦了擦燈出現了壹個精靈.精靈說:"我要滿足妳們每人壹個願望總***三個."加拿大人說:"我是個父親我兒子將成為農夫,因此我想讓加拿大的土地永遠肥沃."精靈說了咒語願望實現了.拉登看了很驚奇,他希望有座城墻圍繞阿富汗.精靈又說了咒語願望又實現了.布什總統問:"精靈請告訴我關於這座墻的事情."精靈回答:"墻厚50英尺,高500英尺,因而裏面的任何東西出不來外面的任何東西進不去."布什總統說:"哇!那是座大橋耶...註滿水!!!" My Baby Swallowed a Bullet Young Mother: "Doctor, my baby swallowd a bullet. What shall I do ? Doctor: "Don't point him at anybody." 年輕的媽媽說：“醫生，我孩子吞下壹顆子彈，我該怎麽辦？” 醫生說：“不要讓他指著任何人。” Notes 1. to swallow a bullet: 吞下壹顆子彈 2. to point at: 對...瞄準 allybaby Once o hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. The operator said calmly:"First, you should make sure that he is already dead." Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:"What should I do next?" 兩個獵人進森林裏打獵，其中壹個獵人不慎跌倒，兩眼翻白，似已停止呼吸。另壹個獵人趕緊拿出手機撥通緊急求助電話。接線員沈著地說：“第壹步，要先確定妳的朋友已經死亡。”於是，接線員在電話裏聽到壹聲槍響，然後聽到那獵人接著問：“第二步怎辦？” fool_fox 標題：I'm the boss 內容：The boss was plaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local card and novelty shop and bought a *** all sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!" note:staff meeting:員工會議 Wife's picture A busines *** an enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you martinis all night long. But you go to tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife.When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home." note:tavern 酒館, 客棧 martini 馬提尼酒 peek/pi;k/ n.壹瞥, 匆忙看過v.偷看