"Why use my elbow and foot?"
"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-handed, are you?"
壹個聲名狼藉的小氣鬼終於決定要請壹次客了。他在向壹個朋友解釋怎麽找到他家時說：“妳上到五樓，用妳的胳膊肘按門鈴。門開了後，再用妳的腳把門推開。”
“為什麽我要用我的肘和腳呢？”
“天哪！” 吝嗇鬼回答，“妳總不會空著手來吧？”
Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.
At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."
它們是從美國直接帶來的
壹位中國老婦人在美國看望女兒回來不久，到壹家市銀行存女兒送給她的美元。在銀行櫃臺，銀行職員認真檢查了每壹張鈔票，看是否有假。
這種做法讓老婦人很不耐煩，最後實在忍耐不住說：“相信我，先生，也請妳相信這些鈔票。這都是真正的美元，它們是從美國直接帶來的。”
One day a visitor from the city came to a small rural area to drive around the country roads, see how the farms looked, and perhaps to see how farmers earned their living. The city man saw a farmer in his yard, holding a pig up in his hands, and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an apple tree. The city man said to the farmer," I see that your pig likes apples, but isn"t that quite a waste of time?" The farmer replied," What"s time to a pig?"
壹天，有壹個城市裏的遊客來到壹個小鄉村，在鄉間路上開著車，想看看農莊是什麽樣子，也想看看農夫怎樣種田過日子。這位城裏人看見壹位農夫在宅後的草地上，手中抱著壹頭豬，並把它舉得高高的，好讓它能夠吃到樹上的蘋果。城裏人對農夫說，"我看妳的豬挺喜歡吃蘋果的，但是，這不是很浪費時間嗎?"那位農夫回答說，"時間對豬有什麽意義?"
A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"
壹男子進入教堂和上帝對話.他問:"主啊, 壹百萬美元對妳意味著多少?"上帝回答:"壹便士."男子又問:"那壹百萬年呢?"上帝說:"壹秒鐘."最後男子請求道:"上帝,我能得到壹便士嗎?"上帝回答:"過壹秒鐘."
An elephant said to a mouse ,"no doubt that you are the smallest znd most useless thing that Ihave e ver seen ."
"Pless ,say it again .Let me take it down ."the mouse said ."I will tell a flea what I know."
為我所用
壹頭大象對壹只小老鼠說：“妳無疑是我見過的最小、最沒用的東西。”
“請再說壹遍，讓我把它記下來。”老鼠說。“我要講給我認識的壹只跳蚤聽.
But the teacher cried
The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled . His father knew it, but his grandma doted on him. He hardly left her side. And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum. Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother's loving arms.
When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door.
"Was school all right?" she asked, "Did you get along all right? did you cry?"
"Cry?" John asked. "No, I didn't cry, but the teacher did!"
可是老師哭了
六歲的約翰嬌生慣養。他的父親知道這壹點，可他的祖父母仍然寵著他。這孩子幾乎寸步不離他的祖母。他想要什麽不是哭，就是鬧。他第壹天上學才離開祖母的懷抱。
約翰放學了，他奶奶在門口接他並問道：“學校怎麽樣？妳過的好嗎？哭了沒有？”
“哭？”約翰問，“不，我沒哭，可老師哭了。”
。
Coincidence
A woman was singing. One of the guests turned to a man by his side and criticized the singer.
"What a terrible voice!" he said. "Do you know who she is?"
"Yes," was the answer. "She is my wife."
"Oh, I beg your pardon." The man said, "Of course her voice is not bad, but the song is very bad. I wonder who wrote that awful song."
"I did." was the answer.
巧合
壹位女士正在唱歌。壹位客人轉身對他旁邊的男士批評道：
“多難聽的嗓音！”他說，“妳知道她是誰嗎？”
“知道，”男士回答，“她是我太太。”
“噢，請妳原諒。”客人說，“當然，她的嗓音並不壞，但那歌實在太差了。我想知道那是誰寫的歌。”
“是我。”男士回答道。
Improvement
One student to another: "How are your English lessons coming along?"
"Fine. I used to be one who couldn't understand the English men, and now it's the English men who can't understand me."
進步
壹位學生對另壹位說：“妳的英語最近學的怎麽樣？”
“很好，我過去不懂英國人說話，可現在是英國人不懂我的話了。”
A New Drug 壹種新藥
Jack:I have invented a new drug which could kill lice effectively.
Tom:That's wonderful. How is it used?
Jack:When you catch a louse, just put a little of that drug on its mouth and it will die immediately.
壹種新藥
傑克:我發明了壹種新藥能有效地殺死虱子。
湯姆:太棒了。怎麽用呢？
傑克:妳捉到壹只虱子，只要在它嘴上抹壹點這種藥，虱子就會死去。
But the teacher cried
The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled . His father knew it, but his grandma doted on him. He hardly left her side. And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum. Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother's loving arms.
When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door.
"Was school all right?" she asked, "Did you get along all right? did you cry?"
"Cry?" John asked. "No, I didn't cry, but the teacher did!"
可是老師哭了
六歲的約翰嬌生慣養。他的父親知道這壹點，可他的祖父母仍然寵著他。這孩子幾乎寸步不離他的祖母。他想要什麽不是哭，就是鬧。他第壹天上學才離開祖母的懷抱。
約翰放學了，他奶奶在門口接他並問道：“學校怎麽樣？妳過的好嗎？哭了沒有？”
“哭？”約翰問，“不，我沒哭，可老師哭了。”
業余工作
When my son was a hign-school sophomore, he got a part-time job sacking groceries at a supermarket. He came home all smiles.
"How was your first day?" I asked.
"It was great, Dad," he replied. "I got to talk to some good-looking girls."
Since Stephen is not very talkative, I asked, "What did you say to them?"
"Do you prefer paper or plastic?"
當我的兒子是hign學校二年級學生，他可及壹個半日工作袋裝的雜貨超級市場。 他回家了所有微笑。 “怎麽是您的第壹天？” 我要求。 “它是偉大的，爸爸”，他回復了。 “我得到與壹些悅目女孩談話”。 因為斯蒂芬不是非常健談的，我要求， “他們怎麽樣？” “您更喜歡紙或塑料？”
武松打虎
On his way to visit his brother， Wu Song was at a place called Mount Jingyang. Though a bit drunk， he began to climb the mountain. Before long he saw a sign posted on a tree： "Travelers are advised to group together to climb over the mountain since tigers have killed some singular travelers of late. Please do not risk your life." Wu Song reasoned that the sign must have been written by the inn keeper at the foot of the mountain for the sake of scaring travelers into spending the night in his inn. He did not pay attention to the sign and continued on this way . At sunset he came to an old temple on top of the mountain. There Wu Song saw another official sing tigers on the mountain. Still， he decided no to return to the inn at the foot of the mountain for fear that the owner would laugh at him. He felt too drunk to walk on， so he decided to lie down on a slab of gray stone. Just as he was about to fall asleep， he felt a gust of wind whistling around him： It was a mammoth tiger charging at him. Wu Song immediately turned his body and dodged the animal. The tiger leapt again， but Wu Song managed to evade it. The beast got so angry that it used its tail to sweep toward Wu Song. Wu Song jumped to dodge the attack. He lifted his cudgel to hit the tiger while it was turning around， but his cudgel caught the branches of a tree and broke in two. The tiger was annoyed and launched another assault. Wu Song threw away the remnant of his cudgel and jumped onto the back of the tiger. With his left hand， he grabbed the skin of the head of the tiger， and he used his other fist to hit the eyes， mouth， nose and ears of the tiger. Before long， the tiger was bleeding all over and lied on the ground motionless. Wu Song was afraid the tiger was pretending to be dead， so he wielded the broken cudgel to hit the tiger until he was sure the tiger was dead. The incident on Mount Jingyang made Wu Song famous far and wide.
翻譯如下
武松回家探望哥哥，途中路過景陽岡。在岡下酒店喝了很多酒，踉蹌著向岡上走去。興不多事，只見壹棵樹上寫著："近因景陽岡大蟲傷人，但有過岡克上，應結夥成隊過岡，請勿自誤。"武松認為，這是酒家寫來嚇人的，為的是讓過客住他的店，竟不理它，繼續往前走。太陽快落山時，武松來到壹破廟前，見廟門貼了壹張官府告示，武松讀後，方知山上真有虎，待要回去住店，怕店家笑話，又繼續向前走。由於酒力發作，便找了壹塊大青石，仰身躺下，剛要入睡，忽聽壹陣狂風呼嘯，壹只斑斕猛虎朝武松撲了過來，武松急忙壹閃身，躲在老虎背後。老虎壹縱身，武松又躲了過去。老虎急了，大吼壹聲，用尾巴向武松打來，武松又急忙跳開，並趁猛虎轉身的那壹霎間，舉起哨棒，運足力氣，朝虎頭猛打下去。只聽"哢嚓"壹聲，哨棒打在樹枝上。老虎獸性大發，又向武松撲過來，武松扔掉半截棒，順勢騎在虎背上，左手揪住老虎頭上的皮，右手猛擊虎頭，沒多久就把老虎打得眼、嘴、鼻、耳到處流血，趴在地上不能動彈。武松怕老虎裝死，舉起半截哨棒又打了壹陣，見那老虎確實沒氣了，才住手。從此武松威名大震。
Class and Ass
Professor Laurie of Glasgow put his notice on his door: "Professor Laurie will not meet his classes today."
A student, after reading the notice, rubbed out the "c".
Later Professor Laurie came along, and entering into the spirit of the joke, rubbed out the "l".
班和笨驢
格拉斯哥的勞裏教授在門上貼了這樣壹個通知：“勞裏教授今天不見他的班級。”
壹個學生讀了通知後，擦掉了字母“c”(lass：姑娘)。
後來勞裏教授來了，也想開開玩笑，他擦掉了字母“l”(ass：笨驢)。
Plagiarism
A friend of mine who teachs European history at Washington University in St. Louis tell about the time he spotted a plagiarized term paper. He summoned the student to his office. "This isn't your work." he said. "Someone typed it for you straight out of the encyclopedia.
"You cann't prove that!" the student sputtered.
My friend amiled and show him the paper. Circled in red was: "Also see article on communism."
抄 襲
我有個朋友在聖路易斯的華盛頓大學教歐洲歷史，他說有壹次他發現了壹篇抄襲的學期論文。他把那個學生叫到了辦公室。“這不是妳寫的，”他說，“有人幫妳從百科全書上原封不動地打印了下來。”
“妳沒有證據。”那學生氣急敗壞地說。
我朋友笑了，他把論文拿給他看。用紅筆圈出來的是：“也可參閱***產主義壹文。”
Virtue
Many years after receiving my graduate degree, I returned to the State University of New York at Binghamton as a faculty member. One day in a crowded elevator, someone remarked on its inefficiency. I said the elevators had not changed in the 20 years since I began there as a student.
When the door finally opened, I felt a compassionate pat on my back, and turned to see an elderly nun smiling at me. "You'll get that degree, dear," she whispered. "Perseverance is a virtue."
美 德
獲取研究生學位多年以後，我回到位於賓翰頓的紐約州立大學當教員。壹天，電梯裏很擁擠，有人抱怨電梯效率太低。我說自我在那裏當學生起，20年來電梯壹直沒有換過。
最後當電梯門打開時，我感到有人在我的背上同情地拍了壹下，回過頭來我看到壹位年長的修女正在朝我微笑。“妳會拿到學位的，親愛的，”她低聲說道：“堅持不懈是壹種美德。”
Difference
"I can always tell a graduate class from an undergraduate class," observed the instructor in one of my graduate engineering courses at California State University in Los Angeles. "When I say, 'Good afternoon,' the undergraduates respond, 'Good afternoon." But the graduate students just write it down."
區 別
“研究生班和本科生很容易就能區別開來，”在洛杉磯加利福利亞州立大學給我們研究生上工程學課的老師如此說。“我說‘下午好’，本科生們回答說‘下午好’。研究生們則把我說的話記在筆記本上。”
Flunking Math
My son, who made the dean's list in his freshman year at Ball State University in Muncie, Ind., called home a few weeks after starting his sophomore year as a psychology student.
"Mom," he said excitely, "I have found the answer to surviving college! It isn't the grades that are so important, but the quality of what is learned and how it is applied to daily life. I'm lucky to be having these wonderful experiences!"
"And just what does this mean?" I asked.
"I'm flunking math," he replied.
數學沒及格
我兒子是印第安那市曼西爾波州立大學的學生，大學壹年級就上了系主任的名單。第二年他學心理學，剛幾個星期他就給家裏打了個電話。
“媽媽，”他激動地說：“我找到了如何在大學裏生存下去的答案!重要的不是分數，而是具備將學到的知識應用於日常生活的素質。我很幸運地有了這種奇妙的經歷。”
“妳到底是什麽意思？”我問道。
“我數學沒及格。”他回答說。
Part-time Job
When my son was a hign-school sophomore, he got a part-time job sacking groceries at a supermarket. He came home all smiles.
"How was your first day?" I asked.
"It was great, Dad," he replied. "I got to talk to some good-looking girls."
Since Stephen is not very talkative, I asked, "What did you say to them?"
"Do you prefer paper or plastic?"
業余工作
我兒子在壹所中學讀二年級時，在壹家超級市場找到了壹份包裝商品的業余工作。他滿面笑容地回到了家。
“第壹天感覺如何？”我問。
“好極了，爸爸。”他答道，“我跟許多漂亮的女孩子講了話。”
由於斯蒂芬不善言談，我問道：“妳跟他們說了些什麽？”
“妳是喜歡紙包裝還是塑料包裝？”
Keys? Kiss?
A friend of mine was giving an English lesson to a class of adult who had recently come to live in the United States. After placing quite a number of everyday objects on a table, he asked various members of the class to give him the ruler, the book, the pen and so on. The class went very smoothly and the students seemed interested and serious about the work that they were engaged in until when my friend turned to an Italian student and said, "Give me the kays." The man looked surprised and somewhat at a loss. Seeing this, my friend thought that the student hadn't heard him clearly, so he repeated. "Give me the kays." The Italian shrugged his shoulders. Then, he threw his arms around the teacher's neck and kissed him on both cheeks.
鑰匙還是接吻
我的壹位朋友在給壹個成人學生班級上英語課。他們都是新近來美國生活的。在壹張桌子上擺了許多日常用品之後，他請全班同學給他挑出尺子，書本，鋼筆等。課進行得井然有序，學生們對自己所做的似乎很感興趣，也很認真。後來輪到壹名來自意大利的學生，我的朋友說：“給我鑰匙。”那人看起來非常吃驚，也有點手足無措。看到這種情況，我的朋友想是他沒有聽清楚，於是又重復了壹遍：“給我鑰匙。”那位意大利學生聳了聳肩。接著，他伸出胳膊摟住老師的脖子在雙頰上親了兩下。
Prepare Yourself
A story around campus has it taht a student once sent a telegram to his parents reading: "Mom - flunked all courses. Kicked out of school. Prepare Pop."
Two days later he received a response: "Pop prepared. Prepare yourself."
自己做好準備
校園裏流傳著這樣的故事：壹個學生壹次給父母拍了壹份電報，上面寫著：“媽媽－我所有功課都不及格，被學校開除。讓爸爸做好準備。”
兩天以後，他收到了回電：“爸爸已準備好。妳自己做好準備吧!”