Best Joke in the world A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“ Second Place Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson. “And what do you deduce from that?” Watson ponders for a minute. “Well, bullet Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. But what does it tell you, Holmes?” Holmes is silent for a moment. “Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!” Top joke in USA A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.” Top joke in Canada When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C. The Russians used a pencil. Top joke in Australia This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?” The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight….” Top joke in UK A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.” Top Joke in England Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!” The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.” Top Joke in Wales A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don’t know, it all happened so fast.” Top Joke in Northern Ireland A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.“Oh dear, what’s the bad news?” asks the patient. The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”“That’s terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?” The doctor replies, “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.” Top joke in Belgium Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks Top joke in Germany A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.” 世界最佳 兩個獵人在森林裏打獵，突然壹人暈倒了。沒有了呼吸。另外壹個人急忙掏出打911。 “我的朋友死了，我該怎麽做？”他緊張的大喊。 接線員說：“別那麽緊張，我能幫妳。首先，要確定他真的死了。”沈寂片刻，傳來壹聲槍響。他回到電話中說：“好了，然後呢？” 世界第二 夏洛克·福爾摩斯和華生醫生正在進行壹次野營旅行。在吃過晚飯，喝了瓶葡萄酒後，他們便躺下呼呼大睡。 過了不知幾個小時，福爾摩斯醒了過來並推醒他最忠誠的朋友，“華生，快看看天空，然後告訴我妳能看見什麽。” “我能看見數千萬顆星星，福爾”華生回答。 “接下來妳能從中推理出什麽？” 華生思考了壹分鐘，“好的，讓我逐條說明-- --根據天文學，說明那裏可能有數百萬個星系和幾十億顆潛藏的行星。 --從占星學角度來說，我觀察到土星的位子處於獅子座。 --從鐘表學上看，我推測現在的時間大約是3 點壹刻。 --就氣象學而言，我想明天很可能是晴空萬裏。 --神學上，我又能深深感到上帝的強大與我們的渺小，有如浮遊於天地，滄海之壹粟。” “那妳能推理出什麽呢，福爾？” 福爾沈默了片刻後。 “華生，妳真夠白癡的！”他說。“有混蛋把我們的帳篷偷走了！” Top joke in USA 美國 壹天，壹個男人和他的朋友正在當地的高爾夫球場打球。當他正準備切球時，看見壹支長長的送葬隊伍沿著道路方向走來。他的手剛擺到壹半，立刻停下來，脫下他的高爾夫球帽，閉上眼睛，深深的鞠躬並默默祈禱。 他的朋友看了說：“喔喔，這是我見過最體貼最感人的事了。妳真是個善良的男人。” 那個男人然後說，“是啊，怎麽說我們也結婚35年了。” Top joke in Canada 加拿大 在美國太空總署第壹次派太空人上太空時，他們很快發現圓珠筆無法在零重力的情況下工作。為了解決這個問題，美國太空總署花了10年時間和120億美元研發了壹種可以在零重力，倒置，水下，和幾乎壹切表面包括玻璃上書寫，適應溫度的範圍從0攝氏度到300攝氏度的鋼筆。而俄國人用鉛筆 Top joke in Australia 澳大利亞 壹個女人急沖沖的找到她的大夫，樣子非常的焦慮，而且神情恍惚。她緊張兮兮的說，“大夫，快看看我。我今早起來的時候，我看鏡子裏的自己。我的頭發壹根根好像生銹的金屬絲壹樣，我的皮膚蒼白滿是皺紋，我的眼睛布滿血絲，還有小蟲子掉出來，這是在我臉上找到的蟲子屍體！我到底怎麽了，大夫！？” 醫生接過蟲子屍體，給她檢查幾分鐘。然後平靜的說，“還好，我只能告訴妳，妳的眼睛沒有任何問題....” Top joke in UK 英國 壹個女人抱著她的孩子搭上壹輛巴士。司機說，“那是我見過的最醜的小孩了，呃咯！”那個女人生氣的走到巴士後排坐下。她對身旁的壹個男人抱怨到，“剛才司機在侮辱我！”那個男人說：“妳直接過去，叫他閉嘴。妳去吧，猴子我幫妳抱著。” top Joke in England 英格蘭島 兩個男人坐在酒吧裏。其中壹個開始侮辱另壹個人。他高聲嚷到，“我和妳媽睡過！”酒吧裏頓時壹片寂靜，每個人都想聽聽那個人會怎麽反擊。他又壹次大喊，“我睡過妳媽！另壹個人說，“妳喝醉了，爸，咱回家吧！” Top Joke in Wales 威爾士 紐約的壹只烏龜，當它走在過壹條胡同時，被壹群蝸牛打劫。警探前來調查，他讓烏龜描述下當時的情況。烏龜壹臉迷糊的看著警探，回答：“我什麽都不知道，事情發生的太快了。” Top Joke in Northern Ireland 北愛爾蘭 醫生對病人說，“我有壹個壞消息和壹個更壞的消息。”“哎呦，媽呀！壞消息是什麽？”病人問。醫生回答，“妳只能活不超過24個小時。”“太可怕了”，病人說，“還能有什麽比這還糟？”醫生說，“我從昨天開始就壹直試圖聯系妳。” Top joke in Belgium 比利時 為什麽鴨子長著蹼腳？ 能踩滅火災 為什麽大象是扁平足？ 能踩滅著火的鴨子 Top joke in Germany 德國 壹個將軍註意到他的壹個士兵。這個士兵會拿起他找到的任何壹張紙，然後不滿的說“不是這張”，接著便把它扔到地上再去找。他這樣已經持續了壹段時間，直到將軍安排這個士兵進行心理測試。 結束後，心理學家給這個士兵下的結論是，他瘋了。並因此給他開了退役表。 士兵拿起它，微笑著說：“找到了。”
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