A cat with suspected Multiple Personality Disorder:
As an experienced veterinary psychologist, I have treated many cats for a wide variety of conditions, including Feline Factitious Disorder (F.F.D.), Siamese Schizophrenia, Generalized Angora Anxiety Syndrome (G.A.A.S.), Hysterical Hairballs, Catnip Dependence, Finicky Personality Disorder, and of course, MPD (usually known as Feline Dissociative Disorder, multiple type).
What small success I have had has been the product of rigorously applied Multiphasic Empathic Ontogenic Work (M.E.O.W.). It is demanding of both therapist and patient, but given sufficient motivation and an understanding owner, it is the only hope.
The first phase of treatment requires repeated application of Feline Exo-Empathic Dysphoric Mood Exercises (F.E.E.D.M.E.) until a stable period of at least one month has been established. The next phase begins the challenging of the fragmentation, and it entails the Lovingly Interpreted Transferential Topographic Entity Rapprochement By Observed Xenophobia maneuver (L.I.T.T.E.R.B.O.X.) in which the very fragmentation itself is made toxic to the cat. The final phase produces a single, intact personality through Positive Unified Reintegrated Reinforcement (P.U.R.R.), and though this phase can last upwards of two years, it is essential that it be performed unerringly with intensely focused purpose. A thorough exegesis of M.E.O.W. treatment can be found in my latest book, "Feline Analytic Theory & Character: Assessment and Technique" (F.A.T.C.A.T.).
Marge was telling her friend Grace how she gets her son out of bed in the morning. "I just open his door and toss the cat on his bed. He sleeps with his dog."
There once were two cats in Kilkenny
And each thought there was one cat too many;
So they quarreled and fit
And they gouged and they bit
Til, excepting their nails
And the tips of their tails,
Instead of two cats there weren't any.
Can cats see in the dark?
Yes, but they have trouble holding the flashlight!
do you call a cat that has swallowed a duck?
A duck filled fatty puss.
Pete: Have you ever seen a catfish?
Paul: Yes, i have
Pete: How did it hold the rod?
A black and white cat crossed my path this morning, and since then my luck has been patchy
Customer: Do you sell cats meat?
Butcher: Yes, as long as they are accompanied by a human being
There was a man whose dog had died. Before he buried the dog, he took
the dog to the vet to see if for sure the dog was dead.
The vet says, Put him on the table here.
He opened a door, a cat walked around the dog once and returned inside
the little box and the vet close the door.
The vet said, Yep, your dog's dead, that'll be 200 dollars.
200 dollars, the man said, don't you think that's a little bit
excessive just to tell me my dog's dead?
The vet said, "Well, it's 40 dollars my fee, 160 for the cat scan."
What do you call a cat that travels by train?
A com-Mew-ter
What happened to the cat that swallowed a ball of wool?
She had mittens
The U.S. Army attempts to explain the question:?Why did the chicken cross the road?
Training and Doctrine Command (TRADOC):?The purpose is to familiarize the chicken with road-crossing procedures.?Road-crossing should be performed only between the hours of sunset and sunrise. Solo chickens must have at least three miles of visibility and a safety observer.
Special Forces Command:?The chicken crossed at a 90 degree angle to avoid prolonged exposure to a line of communication.?To achieve maximum surprise, the chicken should have performed this maneuver at night using NVGs (night vision goggles), preferably near a road bend in a valley.
Personnel Command (PERSCOM):?Due to the needs of the Army, the chicken was involuntarily reassigned to the other side of the road. This will be a 3-year controlled tour and we promise to give the chicken a good-deal assignment afterwards.?Every chicken will be required to do one road-crossing during its career, and this will not affect its opportunities for future promotion.
Defense Intelligence Agency (DIA):?Despite what you see on CNN, I can neither confirm nor deny any fowl performing acts of transit.?Questions? Please see the SSO.
ARMY FOREIGN TECHNOLOGY CENTER:?This event will need confirmation; we need to repeat it using varied chicken breeds, road types, and weather conditions to confirm whether it can actually happen within the parameters specified for chickens and the remote possibility that they might cross thruways designated by some as 'roads.'
Fort Rucker:?The chicken should log this as a GCC sortie only if road-crossing qualified.?The crossing updates the chicken's 60-day road-crossing currency only if performed on a Monday or Thursday or during a full moon.?Instructor chickens may update currency any time they observe another chicken cross the road.
Forces Command (FORSCOM):?The purpose is not important.?What is important is that the chicken remained under the OPCON (operational control) of USCINCTRANS (U.S. Commander in Chief, Transportation Command) and did not CHOP to the theater on the other side of the road.?Without CHOPing the chicken was able to achieve a seamless road-crossing with near perfect, real-time in-transit visibility.
Theater Air Control Center (TACC):?We need the road-crossing time and the time the chicken becomes available for another crossing.
COMMAND POST:?What chicken?
TOWER:?The chicken was instructed to hold short of the road. This road incursion incident was reported in a Hazardous Chicken Road-Crossing Report (HCRCR).?Please re-emphasize that chickens are required to read back all hold short instructions.
ARMY MATERIEL COMMAND (AMC):?Recent changes in technology, coupled with today's multipolar strategic environment, have created new challenges in the chicken's ability to cross the road.?The chicken was also faced with significant challenges to create and develop core competencies required for this new environment.?STRICOM has been asked to develop a Virtual Intensive Chicken Trainer Using ADA Language (VICTUALS).?Anticipated fielding of this device will possibly benefit the Army After Next (AAN) and certainly the NAATNA, (Next Army After The Next Army) initiatives. AMC's Chicken Systems Program Office (CSPO), in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) CSPO helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework.?The CSPO convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and retired chickens along with MITRE consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge and capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals ofdelivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, mission-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified Mission Need Statement and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values.?This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution.?The Chicken Systems Program Office helped the chicken change to continue meeting its mission.
A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk. When the chicken sees that it has the librarian's attention, it squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!"
The librarian complies, putting a couple of books down in front of the chicken. The chicken quickly grabs them and disappears.
The next day, the librarian is again disturbed by the same chicken, who puts the previous day's pile of books down on the desk and again squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!"
The librarian shakes her head, wondering what the chicken is doing with these books, but eventually finds some more books for the chicken. The chicken disappears.
The next day, the librarian is once again disturbed by the chicken, who squawks (in a rather irritated fashion, it seems), "Book, book, book, BOOK!" By now, the librarian's curiosity has gotten the better of her, so she gets a pile of books for the chicken, and follows the bird when it leaves the library. She follows it through the parking lot, down the street for several blocks, and finally into a large park. The chicken disappears into a small grove of trees, and the librarian follows. On the other side of the trees is a small marsh. The chicken has stopped on the side of the marsh. The librarian, now really curious, hurries over and sees that there is a small frog next to the chicken, examining each book, one at a time. The librarian comes within earshot just in time to hear the frog saying, "Read it, read it, read it..."
Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
The rooster.
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on it's face and the egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off.
The egg mutters, to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question..."
A chicken walked into a bookshop, up to the counter, looked the sales assistant in the eye and said "Buk!".
The assistant, somewhat taken aback, grabbed a book off of the best seller shelf, placed in on the counter and said "Book". To the assistant's surprise the chicken then paid for the book, took it and left the shop.
Next day the chicken returned to the bookshop, walked over to the sales assistant and said "Buk! buk!".
The puzzled assistant gave a shrug, picked two more books from the shelf, placed them on the counter and said "Book book". Once again the chicken paid up, took the two books and left the shop.
Third day the chicken again entered the bookshop, walked over to the sales assistant and said "Buk! buk! buk!".
Now the sales assistant just can't figure out what a chicken would want with books, but a sale is a sale so he selects three more books for the chicken, places them on the counter and says "Book book book". As expected the chicken pays up, takes the three books, and leaves the shop.
The sales assistant can no longer contain his curiosity so he decides to follow the chicken and find out what the hell is going on. Grabbing a jacket he hurriedly closes and locks the shop, just in time to see the chicken turning the corner at the end of the road. Running to the corner he sees the chicken in the distance entering the local park. Running to the park he enters through the gates and spots the chicken way over the other side near to the pond. Running through the park he finally catches up with the chicken near some rushes at the edge of the pond. The sales assistant is really breathless now and can't speak to the chicken so he just watches while the chicken gives each book, one at a time, to a toad by the waterside. Each time the chicken passes a book to the toad the toad looks at the cover and says "Redit, redit, redit"
Three guys are finalists for one position with the CIA. The candidates are told that for the last phase of the selection process they will need to bring their wives in. "We need to know some things about your home life", they are told.
No problem, all three men bring in their wives the next day. The three wives are placed in separate rooms, as are the candidates. The CIA interviewers go into the room with the first candidate:
"Sometimes CIA agents are asked to do things that seem wrong to them. We need to know for sure that your conscience will not get in the way of our objectives, and that you'll be able to carry out whatever task we ask of you."
With that, one of the interviewers pulls out a gun. "Go into the other room and kill your wife", are the instructions he gives.
"What, are you crazy?" he responds. "I've got two great kids and I love my wife. You can keep your stinkin' job!" And with that, he takes his wife and removes himself from consideration.
The agents approach the second candidate with the same explanation and instruction.
"You've got to be kidding!" he exclaims. "We've been married for 30 years. I couldn't be happier with her. Screw you and your job!" And, with that, he takes his wife and removes himself from consideration.
Finally, the agents approach the last candidate and give him the same explanation and instruction.
Instantly, he darts out of the room with the gun and into the room where his wife is. Six quick shots are fired. After a brief silence, the agents could hear all kinds of crashing noises. Finally the candidate emerges from the room all frazzled and bloody.
"What happened in there?" the agents ask.
The candidate responds, "Some idiot put blanks in that gun. I had to strangle the bitch!"
I was driving through the country, and there were some cows by the side of the road. We're all mature adults, so we've all done this: I leaned my head out of the car window, and yelled, "Moooooo!" Like we expect that cow to be thinking, "Hey, there's a cow driving that car! How can he afford that?"
What do you call a cow that has had an abortion? Decaffeinated.
How does a rancher manage his accounts? On a cowculator.
what do you call a cow that has had an abortion ? =
decaffeinated.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.