Not long after an old Chinese women came back to china from her visit to her daughter in the Sates, she went to a city bank to deposit the U.S. dollars her daughter give her . At the bank counter ,the money was real.It mady out of patience.At last she couid not hold any more, uttering :“trust me, Sir, and trustthe money .They are real U.S. dollars. They.are directly from America. ”
漢譯：
真美鈔
壹位中國老婦人到美國去看望女兒回來不久，到壹家銀行取存女兒送給她的美元。在銀行櫃臺，銀行職員認真仔細的檢查了每壹張鈔票看，是否有假。這種做法使老婦人很不耐煩，最後實在忍不住說：“相信我，先生，也請妳相信這些鈔票。這都是真正的美元，是從美國直接帶來的。”
He Won
Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.
Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?
Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.
他贏了
湯姆：約翰尼，妳小弟弟好嗎？
約翰尼：他害病臥床了。他受了傷。
湯姆：真糟糕，怎麽回事兒？
約翰尼：我們做遊戲，看誰能把身子探出窗外最遠，他贏了。
I Have His Ear in My Pocket
Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"
"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.
"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.
"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."
他的耳朵在我衣兜裏
伊凡鼻子流著血回到家裏。他媽媽問，“發生了什麽事？”
“壹個男孩咬了我壹口，”伊凡說。
“再見到他妳能認出來嗎？”媽媽問。
“他走到哪裏我都能認出他，”伊凡說。“他的耳朵還在我衣兜裏呢。”
A Good Boy
Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."
好孩子
小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。
“昨天給妳的錢幹什麽了？”
“我給了壹個可憐的老太婆，”他回答說。 “妳真是個好孩子，”媽媽驕傲地說。“再給妳兩分錢。可妳為什麽對那位老太太那麽感興趣呢？”
“她是個賣糖果的。”
Drunk
One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."
"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"
醉酒
壹天，父親與小兒子壹道回家。這個孩子正處於那種對什麽事都很感興趣的年齡，老是有提不完的問題。他向父親發問道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什麽意思？” “唔，孩子，”父親回答說，“妳瞧那兒站著兩個警察。如果我把他們看成了四個，那麽我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子說，“那兒只有壹個警察呀！”
Hospitality
The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.
好客
由於客人在吃蘋果餡餅時，家裏沒有奶酪了，於是女主人向大家表示歉意。這家的小男孩悄悄地離開了屋子。過了壹會兒，他拿著壹片奶酪回到房間，把奶酪放在客人的盤子裏。 客人微笑著把奶酪放進嘴裏說：“孩子，妳的眼睛就是比妳媽媽的好。妳在哪裏找到的奶酪？” “在捕鼠夾上，先生。”那小男孩說。
英語小笑話
上個星期五我穿了壹件 Adidas 的衣服去打球, 壹個老美看到就笑我說, "Do you
know what does it mean? It means All Day I Dream About Sex.我整天都在想著
性, 縮寫正好是 Adidas) " 我正驚訝他怎麽反應這麽快, 聯想力這麽豐富時,旁邊的
壹個老美幫我解圍, 他說, 有壹個很著名的合唱團 Korn, 他們的招牌歌之壹就是
A.D.I.D.A.S, (All day I dream about sex)所以呢,這個典故可是很多老美都耳熟
能詳的喔! 下次就換妳去取笑老美了.
A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"
壹男子進入教堂和上帝對話.他問:"主啊, 壹百萬美元對妳意味著多少?"上帝回答:"壹便士."男子又問:"且話僂蚰昴?"上帝說:"壹秒鐘."最後男子請求道:"上帝,我能得到壹便士嗎?"上帝回答:"過壹秒鐘."
1,Two birls
Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?
Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.
Teacher: Please tell us.
Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.
兩只鳥
老師： 這兒有兩只鳥，壹只是麻雀。誰能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀嗎？
學生：我指不出，但我知道答案。
老師：請說說看。
學生：燕子旁邊的就是麻雀，麻雀旁邊的就是燕子。
2. The Fish Net
"Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?"
"A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl.
魚網
"妳能告訴我魚網是什麽做的嗎，安？" 老師發問道。
"把許多小孔用繩子栓在壹起就成了魚網了。" 小女孩回答道。
3. The New Teacher
George comes from school on the first of September.
"George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother.
"I didn\'t like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....."
新老師
9月1日， 喬治放學回到家裏。
"喬治，妳喜歡妳們的新老師嗎？" 媽媽問。
"媽媽，我不喜歡，因為她說3加3得6, 可後來又說2加4也得6。"
4. A physics Examination
Once in a physics examination, Nick finished the first question very soon, while his classmates were thinking it hard.
The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then hear the thunderrolls?
Nick\'s answer: Because our eyes are before ears.
壹次物理考試
在壹次物理考試時，當同學們都還在苦思冥想時，尼克很快就答好了第壹個問題。
這個問題是：為什麽在打雷時，我們總是先看到閃電後聽到雷聲？
尼克的回答是：因為眼睛在前，耳朵在後。
Jim’s History Examination
Uncle: How did Jim do in his history examination?
Mother: Oh, not at all well, but there, it wasn't his fault. They asked him
things that happened before the poor boy was born.
吉姆的歷史考試
舅舅：吉姆這孩子歷史考得怎麽樣？
母親：唉，糟透了。可話又說回來，這也不能怪他。嗨，他們盡問壹些這個
可憐的孩子出生前的事兒。
One good turn deserves another
I was having dinner at a restaurant whenHarry Steele came in. Harry worked in a lawyer's office years ago, but he is now working at a bank. He gets a good salary, but he always borrows money from his friends and never pays it back. Harry saw me and came and sat at the same table. He has never borrowed money from me. While he was eating, I asked him to lend me &2. To my surprise, he gave me the money immediately. 'I have never borrrowed any money from you,' Harry said,'so now you can pay for my dinner!'
我正在壹家飯館吃飯，托尼.斯蒂爾走了進來。托尼曾在又家律師事務所工作，而現在正在壹家銀行上班，他的薪水很高，但他卻總是向朋友借錢，並且從來不還。托尼看見了我，就走過來和我坐到壹張桌子前。他從未向我借過錢，但他吃飯時，我提出向他借20英鎊。令我驚奇的是，他立刻把錢給了我。“我還未向妳借過錢。”托尼說道，“所以現在妳可以替我付飯錢了！”
好消息＆壞消息！
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. "I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings."
"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?". With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."
Difference
"I can always tell a graduate class from an undergraduate class," observed the instructor in one of my graduate engineering courses at California State University in Los Angeles. "When I say, 'Good afternoon,' the undergraduates respond, 'Good afternoon." But the graduate students just write it down."
區 別
“研究生班和本科生很容易就能區別開來，”在洛杉磯加利福利亞州立大學給我們研究生上工程學課的老師如此說。“我說‘下午好’，本科生們回答說‘下午好’。研究生們則把我說的話記在筆記本上。”
Charge for Bread and Butter
Some years ago, my dad, an attorney, took me to a fancy restaurant in Now York City. When the bill arrived, there was a $1.50 charge for bread and butter. Dad paid the bill, including the charge for bread and butter. However, the next day, he sent a letter to the resturant stating that the charge was uncalled for. Enclosed in the same envelope was a bill for $500 in legal services.
Someone from the restaurant called immediately and asked, "What is this $500 bill for? We never ordered any legal services."
Dad replied, "I never ordered any bread and butter."
The $1.50 was returned without delay.
面包和黃油費
幾年前，我當律師的爸爸帶我去紐約的壹家高檔餐館。帳單上來時，上面有1.5美元的面包和黃油費。爸爸付了帳，連同面包和黃油的收費壹齊付了。但是第二天，他給餐館寄了壹封信，說那項收費是沒有道理的。隨信還寄上了壹張500美元的法律服務機構的收費單。
餐館馬上打來電話，問道：“這500美元的收費單是怎麽回事？我們從來沒有要什麽法律機構的服務。”
爸爸答道，“我也從來沒有要什麽面包和黃油。”
那1.5美元立即就寄了回來。
Sleeping Pills
Bob was having trouble getting to sleep at night. He went to see his doctor, who prescribed some extra-strong sleeping pills.
Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm. He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to his boss: "I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up this morning."
"That's fine," roared the boss, "but where were you Monday and Tuesday?"
安眠藥
鮑勃晚上失眠。他去看醫生，醫生給他開了壹些強力安眠藥。
星期天晚上鮑勃吃了藥，睡得很好，在鬧鐘響之前就醒了過來。他到了辦公室，遛達進去，對老板說：“我今天早上起床壹點麻煩都沒有。”
“好啊!”老板吼道，“那妳星期壹和星期二到哪兒去了？”
Once there was a little girl who grew up under the watchful eye of her peculiar grandmother. She never had any sweets or pastries, for all her grandmother made were steamed vegetables and cabbage soup. When her friends threw her a party on her 16th birthday she discovered the wonders of cakes and cream and unsurprisingly fell in love with it. She liked the smell of butter and eggs and grew to hate the sickly smell of cabbage soup. She had never realized how tasteless steamed vegetables were and didn't like the rubbery texture. But the little girl loved her grandmother dearly and knew she mustn't let her grandmother find out how much she detested the food. Instead, she secretly decided, that she must find a way to make her grandmother as hopelessly infatuated with cakes as she were. Having made up her mind, the little girl started putting her plan into action and chaos ensued, but that's a different story...
曾今有壹個女孩與她的奶奶相依為命。奶奶有點奇怪，生平只會弄白菜湯和清蒸菜給小女孩吃。小女孩的十六歲生日那年，朋友們替她辦了慶生宴，於是小女孩人生第壹次嘗到了蛋糕和甜點，毫無懸念地墜入了愛河。她有多喜歡奶油和雞蛋的味道就有多討厭白菜湯油膩的味道。吃到清蒸菜的時候她發覺嘴裏的東西壹點味道也沒有，咀嚼起來壹點彈性也沒有，心裏開始由衷討厭清蒸菜。但是小女孩深愛著自己的奶奶，所以決定絕不可以讓奶奶知道自己有多討厭奶奶的菜。她私下覺得只要讓奶奶像自己壹樣愛上蛋糕事情就可以被圓滿解決。壹旦下定決心，小女孩立刻展開了行動，於是家裏被搞得雞飛狗跳，但是那已經是故事的另壹個開始。。。